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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490834">Palindrome</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoraWinifreddo/pseuds/DoraWinifreddo'>DoraWinifreddo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Love, Mutual Pining, Romance, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:40:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>61,301</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24490834</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoraWinifreddo/pseuds/DoraWinifreddo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years after leaving Tokyo to build a family with Sasuke in Hokkaido, Sakura returns to find that although life as she knew it has changed, her feelings for an old friend have stayed the same.  </p><p>-</p><p>They were silent together for what felt like ages until Gaara tapped a cigarette from the carton and raised it to his mouth.</p><p>“I thought you’d have given that up by now," Sakura teased. </p><p>He held his gaze on her lips for a moment before smirking. </p><p>“You never give a good thing up.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gaara &amp; Haruno Sakura, Gaara/Haruno Sakura, Haruno Sakura &amp; Uchiha Sasuke</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Cake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a story I've had published on Fanfiction.net for a while (I write as 'LoveWorn' over there), but decided to re-write. I love non-canon pairings and I'm not a big Sasuke fan, so wanted to explore an Alternate Universe with one of my fave duos, Gaara and Sakura. </p><p>It'll be a bit of an angsty ride, but hopefully well worth it. I've tried to keep character's personalities close to the original, but obviously the backstories that make them so are different. Hopefully this appeals to anyone who loves these two the way I do. </p><p>Enjoy! xx</p><p>Stay safe and healthy everyone!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was hot.</p><p>Summers in Japan always were, but Sakura felt positively stifled. Tanabata festival was on its way, which meant the evening's train was packed full of friends and family on their way to celebrate with loved ones. It was sheer luck that she'd been able to get a seat without an advance reservation. Gone were the days of first-class travel. That evening she blended in with the masses – no fussing, no fame – just one more sweaty, pallid face in a sea of many.</p><p>They were only moments from Tokyo and suddenly everything felt real. Sakura shifted anxiously in her seat.</p><p>"Mom, stop squeezing so hard!" Sarada tried desperately to wrench her hand from her iron grip.</p><p>"Sorry." Sakura eased up a little but refused to let go. It had been ages since she’d felt so scared, and she needed someone to ground her - even if that someone was a 10-year-old.</p><p>"When are we getting to grandma's?" The question made Sakura’s skin itch.  Sarada was normally a quiet child, but while the heat made Sakura panic, it made Sarada irritable.</p><p>"Soon." Sakura checked her watch and felt herself begin to sweat more intensely. They were on the last bullet train out of Sapporo for the night and approaching Tokyo quickly. They would have to get a bus from the station to Ueno, and then a taxi to her mother's house. Sakura hadn't worked out how she was going to afford either, or if she would be able to get there before the buses stopped running.</p><p>"How long is soon?" Sarada pushed. Sakura felt more sweat starting to bead on her upper lip and wiped it with the back of her free hand. She counted to five in her head to keep the irritation out of her voice.</p><p>"We're almost there." She pointed out the window at the rapidly approaching station platform. "Look."</p><p>Sarada clambered over her lap to get a good view.</p><p>"Yes!" She piped up. "Is dad gonna meet us at Grandma's?"</p><p>Sakura hesitated. "Dad is…dad’s stuck at work, Sarada. You know that."</p><p>"But mom he's <em>always</em>—</p><p>"—Sarada, <strong>please</strong>. Give it a rest!”</p><p>The train jerked to a stop and Sakura could feel the heat of the other passenger’s stares burning down her neck.  She lifted the frowning girl into her arms in preparation to disembark.</p>
<hr/><p>Several rows up in the first-class train car, Gaara lamented life.</p><p>He hated train rides.</p><p>Excessive noise was one of his biggest pet peeves, and despite investing in a stupidly expensive set of noise-cancelling headphones, the mechanical hum of the train and its parts disturbed his usual meditative ease. First Class seats or no, he could never get any work done. Temari would probably say he shouldn't be working anyway, that train rides were the perfect opportunity to "relax," but just the mere mention of 'relaxation' made Gaara cringe.</p><p>But when Gaara caught sight of the city lights and approaching train platform, the tension in his shoulders slowly began to unwind. It was always good to be home.</p><p>His phone buzzed in his pocket and a message notification popped up on his laptop screen. Gaara didn't want to look, didn't want to imagine what kind of task his father or any other associate had cooked up for him at 11:30pm, but when he saw it was accompanied by a picture of Temari, let the scowl fall from his lips. The photo always stirred something in him. Temari together with her son Shikadai against an elaborate garden background of cherry blossoms. She was giving an uncharacteristically sweet smile and peace sign, while the young boy looked a mix of bored and embarrassed.</p><p><em>Pickup your goddamn phone</em>, the message read.</p><p>What now? Gaara wondered. He entertained the idea of ignoring it, but as if sensing the defiance, a series of shorter messages flashed on the screen in quick succession.</p><p>
  <em>Im not fucking around Gaara</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know u have service</em>
</p><p>
  <em>pick up!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>now!</em>
</p><p>As irritating as Temari could be at times, Gaara knew it was best to stay on his older sister's good side. He picked up the call.</p><p>"Gaara speaking." </p><p>Temari snickered into the mouthpiece. "Well aren't you polite, little brother."</p><p>Gaara resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "Temari, I'm exhausted. Is there something you need from me?"</p><p>"Hey now… I'm just checking in. I thought you'd be home already. It's late, you know."</p><p>"I'm on my way." He checked his watch. "The train is pulling in now and I'll get a car home."</p><p>Temari made an unimpressed sound in her throat, and Gaara paused, thinking. "Are you in my apartment?"</p><p>"What's with the attitude? You've been out of the country for months. Don't you want to see your big sister?" Temari deftly avoided the question, and Gaara decided to follow suit. In his mind’s eye he could see her rifling through his drawers with glee.</p><p>"I'll be there in 35. Don't <em>touch</em> anything." He hung up before the blonde could pepper him with more questions.</p><p>Just as he tucked his phone away, the other travellers around him began to pick up and move. Gaara gave a small sigh of relief. He hadn't slept properly in weeks, and all he had been able to think about all day was a glass of cold black tea and to sink into a soft, warm bed.</p><p>He'd planned to get off the train and head straight to arrivals to meet his driver, but as soon as he stepped onto the platform there was a commotion.</p><p>"Dad was right! You’re such a psycho!"</p><p>A little girl, red in the face, was yelling down the platform. There was no mother in sight, and around her, older passengers clucked disapprovingly.</p><p>"No wonder he hates you!" she cried.</p><p>"You stop right there!" A woman's voice cut through the scream, and Gaara turned his head towards the sound. Before he knew what was happening, a flurry of pink hair whizzed past, and the girl was snatched up by the arm.</p><p>"You’re too old for this, Sarada!" she hissed. She sounded young, and he felt a twinge of sympathy mixed with embarrassment. He’d planned to trudge on, head down, perhaps with a disapproving frown of his own, but something stopped him.</p><p>Although the rest of the platform surged ahead, Gaara couldn't tear his gaze from the pink-haired mother. When she turned to face him head on, it was like being kicked in the gut. He’d seen pink-haired punks quite a few times over the years, but this was different. Those eyes… he’d recognise those eyes anywhere. Time had changed her, but not enough.</p><p>"Sakura?"</p><p>He hadn’t meant to call out to her. Hadn’t expected his voice to sound so soft – so pathetic. But there he was, suitcase in hand, slack jawed, feeling very much like a kid instead of a 31-year-old man.</p><p>"G-gaara.” Sakura's voice sounded choked.</p><p>While she stared, Gaara drank her in. She was <em>definitely</em> not a kid anymore. Though still rail thin, there was no denying the matureness in the curves of her hips and chest, especially in that short summer dress.  He remembered her pink hair always pin-straight and neat, but in the heat of the evening it was sweat-dampened and hung limply around her face. Long, slim legs, wide green eyes - she looked like a deer in headlights.</p><p>"Wow, it's…" She made a feeble attempt to straighten her hair with her fingers. "It's been…"</p><p>"Mom, who's this?" Sarada yanked her elbow free and held on to the back of Sakura's dress. It was then that Gaara took in the little girl more fully, and her striking resemblance to someone else he once knew. She couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 but there was no mistaking whose daughter she was. The jet-black hair, the brooding face… the only thing that wasn't Uchiha were her eyes. They weren't the same soft green as her mother's, but even behind a pair of red rimmed glasses, the shape – expressive, bright – that was pure Sakura.</p><p>"Sarada this is my…" Sakura hesitated slightly before moving the young girl out from behind her skirt. "This is an old friend. Gaara."</p><p>Gaara found himself defaulting into uncle-mode. He crouched to shake her hand, but Sarada backed away with a hard glare.</p><p>"Hey Sarada," he tried, but Sarada kept her lips set in thin line.</p><p>"Sorry. She's not usually so..." Sakura trailed off as Gaara rose back up to full height. Gaara noted the slight flush on her cheeks, but also the sweat on her collarbone. Though part of him would have liked to think it was a reaction to him, he was keenly aware of the heat.</p><p>"It's fine,” he cut her short.</p><p>Sakura touched her hair again in another futile attempt to smooth it into place. This time, her hand came away noticeably damp. She could only imagine what she looked like – a sweat drenched pink rat in last season's Lily Pulitzer. And there he was, pristine even in Tokyo summer. It was a sharp inversion from the way things used to be between them. The spiky red hair she remembered from college was neatly parted and slicked down, and in a tailored business suit, Gaara looked like something out of a high fashion magazine. Back in school he'd never seemed particularly studious, but clearly something had paid off.</p><p>"You look really well,” she said.</p><p>She was trying to make small talk, but Gaara couldn’t help but notice the odd way she kept fiddling with her hair. Gaara opened his mouth to say something, but Sarada tugged urgently at Sakura's dress.</p><p>"Mom…" she whined. "I'm tired. Let's go see Grandma now."</p><p>"Sarada, just a little bit longer. Mom’s having a conversation." Sakura gave Gaara an embarrassed smile, but he looked away. As uneasy as it was, the sight of her plump lips curved up in such a familiar way made his head hurt.</p><p>"It's no trouble. It wasn't my intention to hold you up." He checked his watch. "It was good to see you, Sakura."</p><p>Sakura twisted the strap of her purse with her free hand. She hadn't expected him to be so abrupt. "Yeah. You too," she mumbled.</p><p>Gaara turned his back on the two and started to push his suitcase down the platform. Of all the people to run into, Sakura Haruno was the last one he'd expected. It had been ten years since he'd seen her, and their last meeting hadn't exactly ended on good terms.</p><p>Halfway down the platform, he stopped. He should have wanted to escape her but walking away was like trudging through sand. Gaara wasn’t an idiot – he worked with numbers all day and knew when things weren't adding up. He could see it in Sakura's strained smile and hear it in the tone of her voice.</p><p>Behind him, Sakura held Sarada to the front of her legs, watching Gaara walk away. She felt sick and embarrassed after seeing him after so many years, but just as she started to turn, Gaara closed the distance between them again with quick, long strides.</p><p>"Where are you two headed?" He asked.</p><p>"Huh?" Sakura was caught off guard, but quickly recovered. "I mean – my mom's! Ueno! We're in town visiting while Sarada's on summer vacation. She’s expecting us!" She tried to seem calm, but again, Gaara could feel something was off. It was just a little too much information to ring true. Aside from Sakura's small purse and Sarada's pink backpack the two weren't carrying any luggage. And Sakura shifted oddly from foot to foot, as if they were paining her.</p><p>"Mom I'm tired. Let’s go already," Sarada whined again, and Gaara gave his watch a glance. It was late, and if Sakura didn't have someone coming to pick her up it would be dangerous to travel all the way out to Ueno at night.</p><p>"I can give you a ride out there. My driver should be here shortly." Gaara gave his phone a glance, and saw there was another new message, this time from a completely different number. He stared at the picture next to the contact name – a confident-looking woman with a glamorous work photo. Long dark hair, glossy white skin.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>S: Back in town? How about a midnight snack? ;)</em> </strong>
</p><p>He turned the screen off.</p><p>Oblivious to the pause, Sakura went red. <em>Do I really look so desperate</em>? She wondered. Her first thought was to refuse and make up an elaborate excuse, but with Sarada whining and tugging at her dress, Sakura could feel what little semblance of control she thought she had, slowly fading away.</p><p>"Gaara I…" She wrung her hands a little, but then bowed low. "I'd really appreciate it."</p><p>Uncomfortable with the show of gratitude, Gaara turned his attention back to his phone. Another message came in, this time from his father.</p><p>
  <strong> <em>R: I see your flight landed an hour ago. Let's have a conference call tomorrow morning. Early.</em> </strong>
</p><p>Gaara could read the impatience in every word.</p><p>"It's no trouble." He turned back to Sakura. "I just have to stop at my apartment to pick up some documents if that's not a problem."</p><p>"No, no! Of course not! Do anything you need!" Sakura bowed low again. She felt ridiculous prostrating herself in front of a former classmate but didn't know what else to do. It had been 10 years since she’d seen Gaara, and sweaty and frantic certainly hadn't been the way she wanted to make a reunion appearance. Still clutching Sarada's hand for dear life, she followed dutifully behind him.</p><p>Sakura had never been more glad that Gaara’s dislike for small talk hadn’t changed. He stared out at the loading bay, one hand in his pocket, the other on his suitcase handle. He was taller than she remembered, and much more put together. It was something more than a new haircut or what looked like a <em>very</em> expensive suit – it was the way he carried himself. The refinedness of it all.</p><p>After about ten minutes of awkward silence, a black Lexus rolled up to the pickup area. A portly older man with close cropped hair opened his door and greeted Gaara.</p><p>"Welcome home. Always a pleasure, sir." The driver opened the door to the backseat, but Gaara took one look at the sleepy looking Sarada and opened the passenger side door.</p><p>"I'll sit up here, thanks." He placed his briefcase inside and then opened the door to the backseat for Sakura and Sarada. The driver watched the scene with amused interest.</p><p>"Thank you Gaara." Sakura tried a warmer smile, but the redhead refused to meet her gaze.  Oblivious, Sarada bounced inside with a sudden renewed vigour.</p><p>The ride out to Gaara's apartment was in relative silence. Sakura drifted in and out of sleep, and Gaara looked into the rear-view mirror to watch her. When he really studied her, it was hard to find a trace of the girl he knew before. There were same long pink locks, the same green eyes, but there was a wornness – a worry about her that made Gaara uncomfortable. She seemed thinner, too. Too thin.</p><p>Gaara had so many questions he wanted answers to, but each time her eyes fluttered open and he caught a glimpse of that soft green, they stuck in his throat. He was grateful when the car finally pulled up to his apartment complex.</p><p>"I'll just be a moment," Gaara said over his shoulder. But just as he stepped out, Sarada began to jostle Sakura's shoulder.</p><p>"Mom, I have to use the bathroom!" Sarada's whine carried over to Gaara's ears and he looked to Sakura, who seemed red enough to start another life as a tomato.</p><p>"Gaara I'm really sor—</p><p>"—It's no trouble at all," Gaara interrupted, and gestured with his hand for her to follow.</p><p>As soon as she stepped out of the car, Sakura’s eyes went wide. She'd visited Azabu once or twice when Sasuke used to take her to fancy business dinners, but it had been years since she'd seen it again in person. The luxury neighbourhood reminded her of carefree days spent lunching with other housewives and groups of American expats who had little cares outside of school rankings and the latest new brunch spot. Gaara's complex was massive, and incredibly well-kept. Even the surrounding shrubbery was clipped into perfect geometric shapes.</p><p>As they made their way to the front of the building, he paused briefly at the sight of a shiny white Mercedes in his designated parking spot.</p><p>
  <em>'Temari.'</em>
</p><p>He sighed. For whatever reason, Sakura seemed unusually skittish and he wasn't sure being faced with his older sisters' overbearing presence was exactly what she needed.</p><p>"Mama…" Sarada tried her 'whisper' again, and Sakura gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze.</p><p>"Almost there. Be patient," she cooed.</p><p>"Welcome home, Gaara." The concierge at the front desk gave a nod to Gaara before doing a double take at the pink-haired woman and her daughter. He smiled. "…<em>and company</em>."</p><p>Gaara gave the man a look that screamed, 'mind your own business' before guiding Sakura and Sarada into one of the elevators. Sakura watched in awe as the glass lift rose, and they were able to see a 360 view of the floors beneath them. As they ascended, the inside of the building broke away to reveal a stunning view of the Tokyo skyline. Even Sarada had stopped whining and had her face pressed up against the glass in awe.</p><p>“Shit,” Sakura blurted. Gaara snapped his gaze to look at Sakura, who had covered her mouth with both hands.</p><p>He smirked. Strangely enough, the curse had made him feel more relaxed. The elevator stopped at the 14th floor, and Gaara led them to the front door of his apartment.</p><p>"Sorry I – I just mean…you've done so well for yourself, Gaara." Sakura took hold of Sarada’s hand again. "Your place… It's wonderful."</p><p>Gaara was mute. He usually ignored most compliments - in his experience, they usually came with strings attached - but there was something about Sakura's kindness that made him upset. He, of all people, didn’t deserve it. Instead of thanking her, he changed the subject.</p><p>"The restroom is at the very end of the hall. On the right." He finally found the electric fob and pressed it against the lock screen on the doorframe. "I'll only be a few—</p><p>"—WELCOME HOME!"</p><p>The moment Gaara pushed the door open, there was a burst of noise and light. Sakura, Sarada, and Gaara jumped back in shock at the chaos in front of them. Though Gaara had expected Temari to be bumbling around somewhere drinking his wine, there were a number of guests in the front hall of Gaara's apartment, waving streamers and making noise.</p><p>Naruto was front and centre, followed close behind by Lee, Kiba, Kankuro, and Temari.</p><p>Sakura's face fell. All at once, she was confronted by a wall of joyful faces she hadn't seen in years. And as they recognised her, one by one, their smiles slowly faded. Terrified, Sarada rushed behind Sakura's legs and clung on for dear life.</p><p>"Fuck! No way! S-sakura-chan! Sakura-chan, is that really you?" Naruto dropped his noisemaker on the floor. Before Sakura could even stammer a response, he launched himself into her arms.</p><p>"SAKURA-CHAAAAAANNN!"</p><p>Sakura yelped as the blonde swung her around in his arms, narrowly missing knocking a piece of spiral glass artwork to the floor. He was much taller than she remembered, with his spiky blonde locks buzzed down to a more mature look.</p><p>Ino, Hinata, and Tenten were at Gaara's wet bar sipping cocktails, but the moment they heard Sakura's name, came rushing to the front door. Ino was first, practically hurling Naruto out of the way to get a good look at her old friend.</p><p>"Well isn't this something!" She folded her arms over her ample chest, a dark smirk on her lips. "You don't call, you don't write… and now?"</p><p>Still standing dumbly in the doorway, Gaara surveyed the tension between the two, and beside him, Temari holding a champagne flute, looked a cross between shocked and amused.</p><p>"Who's this little one?" Hinata spoke up in an attempt to bring a bit of lightness back to the room. Sakura smiled - she could always count on her for a bit of relief. While Ino fumed, Hinata crouched and extended a hand to Sarada.</p><p>"I'm Sarada Uchiha!" Sarada said proudly.</p><p>If possible, the silence in the room became even deeper.</p><p>"Oh my, yes. She looks just like him." Hinata gave Sakura a tentative smile. "Sasuke-kun.</p><p>"Poor Sarada-chan," Naruto joked, and although the joke surely went over Sarada's head, Kiba was quick to give Naruto a hard slap across his.</p><p>"She's very much a daddy's girl." Sakura spoke for the first time, forcing a smile. Though Hinata smiled encouragingly, there was still an awkward air in the room.</p><p>At the very mention of Sasuke, Gaara pushed his suitcase the rest of the way inside and headed straight for his bedroom. Though the rest of the house guests were focused on Sakura, Kankuro watched his little brother with interest. He knew Gaara had never been one for much socialising, but his current mood was far beyond a bit of introvert's discomfort.</p><p>Although Ino still looked at her former friend with contempt, Tenten and Lee came forward to put their arms around Sakura.</p><p>"It's been a long time, Sakura-chan." Tenten pushed a frizzy strand of hair out of Sakura's face and tucked it behind her ear. "You look so mature. And a mother now. Fuck! Congratulations."</p><p>"It's just a pity I missed the chance to make you mine," Lee joked, earning a little smile from Sakura.</p><p>"I…" Sakura held on to Sarada's shoulders for support. "I really—</p><p>"—cut the stammering. Where the f-u-c-k have you been all these years?" Ino butt in, clearly still fuming, but at the same time conscious of the little ears in the room. "Where's Sasuke?"</p><p>Gaara had just exited his bedroom when he heard the angry question. Sakura stood dumbly, opening and closing her mouth in an obvious struggle.</p><p>The rest of the group stood awkwardly but were clearly too curious to intercept on her behalf.</p><p>"Dad is…" Sarada started, and Sakura immediately looked alarmed. Temari caught it quickly and stepped in between them.</p><p>"Let's not do this now." Temari smiled and swung an arm over Sakura's shoulders. "Looks like we have an old friend here, Gaara's finally back home… we've got champagne and tequila… let's celebrate!"</p><p>Though Ino still looked thoroughly disgusted, a chorus of cheers sparked throughout the sitting room. Just as Naruto jumped forward to smash Sakura into another hug, Gaara slunk out to the balcony.</p><p>"So, she’s…. <em>different</em> for you.” Kankuro caught his little brother just as he managed to slink outside.</p><p>Instead of facing him head on, Gaara slid the balcony door shut with his foot and looked out over the railing. Years of unsolicited sex tips and dating advice from the tattooed club owner told him never to give an inch, because Kankuro would surely take a mile.</p><p>"Hey, I thought you said you gave that up." Kankuro gestured to the pack of Seven Stars poking out of Gaara's shirt pocket.</p><p>Gaara's shoulders stiffened up, and though his tongue ached for the sharp, smoky taste of tobacco, he folded both arms against his chest. "You never really give these things up.”</p><p>"Damn, you're more like dad every day." Kankuro smiled, but then regretted the joke when he saw Gaara's lips curl into a snarl.</p><p>"I'm not in the mood." He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a lighter to go along with the box of cigarettes. It was a cheap, plastic off-brand and neither were surprised when it didn't spark right away. With each flicker Kankuro winced, feeling the flame of his brother's temper building fast. As a child Gaara's dark moods had been uncomfortable to deal with, but as a man, there was something fear-inducing about them.</p><p>"So…" Kankuro tried to change the subject. "Who’s this ‘old friend’? Were you two gonna…?” He made a lewd gesture with his finger and a fist.</p><p>At that moment, Gaara managed to find a flame with the lighter.</p><p>“Sakura is a friend from university. I was giving her a ride to her mother's place in Ueno." He placed a cigarette in his mouth and cupped a hand around the flame to catch it before it could disappear. He closed his eyes and took a slow drag in. “She has a child, Kankuro,” he added with disgust.</p><p>"Hey, kids sleep," Kankuro joked. "Besides… didn't you hear? Apparently, it's with Sasuke Uchiha. I’ve always heard he was a massive dick.” Kankuro chuckled to himself when Gaara remained mute. "And I’ve never seen her face in the tabloids – you think she’s a side piece?"</p><p>Gaara glared out over the railing and took another hard drag on the cigarette. "She's wearing a ring, if you didn't notice."</p><p>"As if that means something nowadays,” Kankuro scoffed. “He runs one of the biggest banks in Tokyo. I know you’re friends or whatever, but if they’re actually married, 100 bucks says her husband is regularly balls deep in plenty of other--"</p><p>"Who's smoking out here?" Temari's voice cut Kankuro short, and Gaara nearly burned himself trying to hide the cigarette behind his back. When he turned, his sister and Sakura were standing in the doorway to the balcony. Temari's lips were curved wide with an impish grin, but Sakura's face was devoid of emotion. Through the frosted glass doors Gaara could just barely make out Sarada happily being fussed over by Hinata and Tenten.</p><p>"Me." Kankuro picked up the cigarette box from the railing and tucked them in his back pocket. "Sorry sis."</p><p>Gaara didn't make eye contact with his brother but was glad for the save.</p><p>"Really, Kanks? You know how disgusting I think that is. You're as bad as dad." Temari rolled her eyes. "Anyway… I was just trying to convince Sakura that she should stay and celebrate with us tonight. We don't mind, do we?"</p><p>"Of course not!" Kankuro raised his glass to the blushing woman next to his sister.</p><p>"Gaara's been on business in London for six months now, so the more friends the merrier. We'll order a bit more food and booze and make it a big party," he urged. "Anything you want and…"</p><p>Gaara watched Sakura's expression as his brother rattled on and noticed the way her eyes were trained on the floor in front of her. The way she dug her nails into her palms, the subtle tremble to her limbs. It was beyond normal embarrassment. She looked almost… <em>annoyed.</em></p><p>"I appreciate it Temari. Kankuro. But I really didn't mean to impose like this. Gaara's probably exhausted, and—</p><p>"—no," Gaara interrupted Sakura, and when she lifted her gaze from the floor to meet his, gave a firm nod. "Stay. You and Sarada enjoy yourselves."</p><p>Behind Sakura's back, Kankuro and Temari exchanged curious looks. Although they were both intrigued by the woman Gaara brought into his home, they were surprised by his sudden charitable nature.</p><p>"Hear that? We all want to have you!" Temari grabbed Sakura's arm with a grin and mouthed a 'thank you' to Gaara before dragging the woman back inside. "Now come on, let's get you a drink! Or two! Or three!"</p><p>"How unusually generous of you," Kankuro smirked. "Sure you didn't bring her to bang?"</p><p>Gaara ignored the remark and looked out over the balcony. Generous? He thought. If only it were that simple.</p><p>"It's late. There's no point in travelling now. I'll let them take the car to Ueno in the morning." Gaara finished off the last of his cigarette and reached for another.</p><p>Kankuro started to make another joke, but when Gaara hardened his gaze out over the skyline, he could sense his brother wasn't in the mood. He tried to change the subject.</p><p>"Everything go okay in London? I heard that you and Shijima…"</p><p>Gaara lit up again and rubbed the back of his head vigorously, as if trying to shake thoughts loose.</p><p>"We're adults," he said. "She took it as well as to be expected."</p><p>"Well, I mean I have to ask… did that have anything to do with this one?" Kankuro took a sip of his beer and gestured toward the house. "She an old flame or something? Did you guys get in contact recently? Start something up?"</p><p>"Of course not. Today was a coincidence."</p><p>"Hey- I only ask because I don't know…it seemed sudden. You and Shijima were together for a while and now you're not. And suddenly this new chick is here out of nowhere…"</p><p>"Enough of this," Gaara snapped. "I have more important things on my plate than women."</p><p>“You kidding? What the hell’s more important than women?” Kankuro laughed, but knew well enough not to push any further.</p><p>He wasn't like Temari, but more like Rasa in the way he dealt with people. He didn't always need to know all the details and was never the one to push difficult situations. So when Gaara said enough was enough, he backed off.</p><p>"I'll see you inside." He gave Gaara's back a slap before stepping back into the house.</p><p>Gaara was able to smoke two and a half more cigarettes before anyone realized he was missing.</p><p>"Temari said I should grab you for cake and toasts." Shikamaru emerged on the balcony while Gaara was in mid-exhale. “She also said if you keep her waiting, she’ll throw you over the railing.”</p><p>"Yikes." Gaara quickly crushed the stub of a cigarette before turning to face his brother-in-law. Shikamaru couldn't help but smirk.</p><p>"Don't worry, my lips are sealed." Shikamaru gestured to the ash on the railing. "I'm sure Temari finding out would be just as troublesome for me as it would be for you."</p><p>Gaara nodded, but instead of even offering a smile, stared dimly into the house.</p><p>"You alright?" Shikamaru gave a glance inside to where the group was surrounding Sakura.</p><p>"I think I'd be a lot better if people stopped asking me that," Gaara muttered, but Shikamaru shrugged and looked up to the sky.</p><p>"Well whatever it is..." he sighed out. "These things pass."</p><p>When Gaara returned inside, Sakura looked far less self-conscious. She'd pulled her long hair up into a messy bun and she was talking rather animatedly about something Gaara couldn't quite hear. As she spoke, the rest of the group – save Ino – seemed enthralled, hanging on every word. He didn't blame them. There was something about her, something about her smile and the way her eyes lit up when she was happy. Something that made him want to shiver even in the heat of Tokyo summer. His eyes fell to the empty champagne glass in her hand, and another three beside her chair.</p><p>
  <em>Well, I suppose it's always easy to be happy with a little help.</em>
</p><p>When he lifted his gaze back to her face, Sakura cast him a cheeky smile. It had been years since she'd smiled like that for him. She'd looked so foreign to him in the car, but the sudden brightness made everything much more familiar. It was obvious why he’d fallen in love with that smile, but dangerous, nonetheless.</p><p>"What were you doing out there so long?" Temari came up from behind and looped her arm through his, shaking the moment.</p><p>"Noth…" Gaara started, but Temari leaned in and sniffed. "...ing."</p><p>"You," she growled, catching a strong whiff of cigarette smoke. "We'll talk later." She gave his back a stiff pat.</p><p>"Gaara, there you are. Man of the hour! Have a drink!" Sakura hopped off the arm of the couch and picked up a fresh glass of champagne. Gaara stared at the flute, her hand, and the diamond ring on her finger, taunting him.</p><p>"I really shouldn't. I have a call in the morning. Early work," he explained. Behind him, the men in the apartment chorused groans of 'boo' and 'pussy.'</p><p>"Not even one?" Sakura pouted. She took another step closer and pressed the rim to her pouted lips before waving the glass just under Gaara's nose. His gaze was drawn to the sticky pink lip print she'd left on the rim. He loved the look of her lips – so full and always shimmery with some sort of sticky gloss.</p><p>"Not even for me?" Her tone was playful, with an erotic lilt that didn't go unnoticed by the men in the room. Kankuro concealed his smirk into a glass of whisky.</p><p>"I remember when you used to love to drink with me," Sakura murmured close to his ear, and for a second, Gaara lost track of everyone else in the room. She smiled, and a hot feeling stirred in the pit of his stomach. His head swam with intrusive thoughts – an image of him grabbing her around the waist, his mouth on her mouth, her hand sliding down the front of his trousers as he pulled her close.</p><p>"Just one." Gaara gave in and took the flute from her hand.</p><p>"You really do look great." Sakura gave his forearm a squeeze. Earlier on she'd looked so frazzled, but now she stood just a little too close, spoke a little too sweetly, flirted a little too much. If Gaara were a different man he might have taken advantage, but instead he distracted himself by searching the room for the mini-Uchiha. "Where's Sarada?"</p><p>At the mention of her daughter, Sakura forgot all about her drunken tease. "She was sleepy so we put her down in your spare room – is that okay?"</p><p>"Of course, that's fine." Gaara took a big swallow to distract himself from Sakura’s doe-eyed gaze.</p><p>"Hey, let's do toasts!" Temari cut in holding a large sheet cake. Gaara normally didn't do sweets but seeing the way Sakura's eyes lit up at the sight of the sugar-laden treat, couldn't help but want to follow along.</p><p>The group gathered around the long table in Gaara's dining room – one that Temari had insisted he buy for hosting parties but had so frequently remained empty. That night, it was full and almost overflowing with alcohol and snacks. Gaara stood at one end with Sakura at the other. Their eyes met again and when she smiled, he felt a flash of warmth creep up the back of his neck. The thoughts washed over him again – Sakura on the table this time, her back smashed into the sugary sheet cake, his lips running over the sharp lines of her collarbones, her hand down his slacks.</p><p>Gaara hated sweets, but was sure he could eat her all night. </p><p>
  <em>‘Fuck.’</em>
</p><p>He downed his champagne in one desperate gulp. Temari started off with a small speech, and slowly the toasts went around the length of the table.</p><p>"A toast to friendships!" Naruto raised his glass.</p><p>"A toast to reunions!" Lee cheered.</p><p>"A toast to girl power!" Tenten winked.</p><p>"A toast to getting to bed on time?" Gaara tried, and there was a tittering of laughter.</p><p>When it came back around to Sakura, they all tightened up the circle. Gaara expected something simple – a trite, happy, <em>‘I’m so glad to be back,</em>’ but there was something in the way she clung to her drink that made him uneasy.</p><p>Tears pricking the corner of her eyes, Sakura raised her glass. "A toast to divorce."</p><p>A shocked silence came over the room. Even Kankuro, who had been secretly helping himself to finger scoops of frosting, stopped to stare. When there was no reaction, she doubled down. Tears streaming down her cheeks this time, she repeated it, louder.</p><p>"To fucking divorce!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Scrambled Eggs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks to everyone who's reading thus far! And two my first two reviewers! Yay! :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gaara still remembered the night he took his first drink.</p><p>It was the first week of university, and his new bouncy blonde roommate had taken it upon himself to throw a house party on both of their behalves. Two days of living together and Gaara had already decided he hated Naruto Uzumaki. He was too loud – too brash – too much of everything except good sense. Theoretically they should have gotten along – two boys with no real family to count on, but it didn’t take long for Gaara to see that Naruto’s support system was more far-reaching than anything he could ever hope for.</p><p>Within hours the flat was packed with his friends, a sea of idiotically happy faces, gushing over holiday plans and shared stories he couldn’t relate to. Gaara told himself he’d hide away in his room until they were gone, but Naruto had other plans. He introduced him to everyone – Kiba, Lee, Chouji – <em>everyone</em>. They were all polite, even when he wasn’t. Even <em>her</em>.</p><p>Sakura Haruno was different ten years ago. First year pre-med, body healthily tanned and toned from track and judo. She was too short to be any good at the former, but still seemed to try her damndest anyway. Even before Sakura showed up at the party, Gaara spent many a night watching her run laps around their building.</p><p>The noise might have kept anyone else up, but he didn’t sleep much, anyway. Not since he was a kid. To anyone who asked – (<em>And really, who asked?)</em> - he blamed insomnia. Nightmares were too babyish to admit out loud.</p><p>She came with her boyfriend, Sasuke Uchiha, but from the way he acted it was clear she was little more than an accessory. Gaara watched as she played the “cool girlfriend” and spent the night waiting on him – shuttling beers and snacks and vodka cokes back and forth from the kitchen while he made snide comments about her hair snack intake.</p><p>“Hey. Gaara, right?” She smiled when she’d noticed him standing sourly by a tray of vodka-soaked watermelon. “You don’t talk much, do you?”</p><p>Like a cat, Gaara blinked slowly in response. He didn’t know how to act around women. They were more like foreign objects than actual people, and on top of that there was something about Sakura’s kindness that he found deeply distressing.</p><p>“Here. Have a beer at least.” Sakura handed him a bottle with one hand while stacking fruit onto a plate with the other. “You should come join us when you feel up to it.”</p><p>Too awkward to form words, Gaara took the sweating bottle with a half-nod.</p><p>That night, the IPA was like a weighted blanket. The liquid went down bitter but left his tired body comfortably numb. Suddenly hate became too exhausting, and he slipped off to bed while the party raged on for hours. Every day since that moment, he got in the habit of letting a drink lull him to sleep. That was, until, Sakura came back into his life, full force. Only partway through freshman year and suddenly she was over all the time, waiting on the doorstep for Naruto, making excuses for a place to stay when Sasuke locked her out of their apartment.</p><p>But it was never like the first time. She seemed broken and scared and he hated it on her. But still, that uncomfortable friendliness lingered. It kept her showing up and bugging him and picking fights just to have someone to talk to. Like the liquor, she was soothing. So when Sakura eventually started buying him nicotine gum and switching out his whisky cokes for club sodas with lime, he didn’t mind it. He didn’t need to sleep anymore. He could stay up longer. He could listen to her talk for hours.</p><hr/><p>The next morning, Gaara was up with the sun.</p><p>The conference call with his father was scheduled for 8 am sharp, but he always gave himself an extra two hours to mentally prepare for meetings with Rasa.</p><p>Shower, shave, and shavasana.</p><p>He needed the quiet to ground himself, especially after the chaos of the night before. What started as a slightly strange but cheerful evening quickly turned dark the moment Sakura made her confession.</p><p>"<em>To fucking divorce!"</em></p><p>Gaara remembered how she tried to smile through the statement, how her fingers white-knuckled the glass so tightly he thought it might shatter. One moment he’d been fantasising about taking her on a bed of sugary sheet cake, and the next she’d broken down.</p><p>"<em>To new beginnings."</em> Gaara had jumped in to cut the silence, and for a moment it worked. Shocked mouths quirked up at the edges into nervous smiles and hands hovering over hors d'oeuvres quickly came together in soft claps of approval. The only one frozen by the statement was Sakura. She looked at him the way she looked at him the last time they saw each other - with confusion and betrayal.</p><p>The girls all rushed to comfort her when she bolted from the room, and by the time Gaara managed to apologetically shuffle all the well-meaning guests out of his house, Sakura had joined her daughter to pass out in his guest room.</p><p>"<em>I think the best thing is to just let her sleep it off." Temari looked back at the door with pity. “She had a lot to drink.”</em></p><p>“<em>I'd take her home with me, but it's across town and Sarada's already sleeping. And Ino and Sai don't really have space for—</em></p><p>"<em>It's fine. I’ll take care of her."</em></p><p>He regretted saying those words. He’d never taken care of anyone or anything in his life. Gaara laid back on his yoga mat, eyes closed and took a deep breath in through his nose. Years ago, he would have written off meditation as bullshit, but those days Gaara found it just about the only thing short of a nicotine drip to help him manage his emotions. He had a routine – slip into darkness and scan through the body limb by limb – root out any tension and let it dispel into the air. That morning, however, his whole body was a ball of tension.</p><p>Women didn’t normally put him on edge, but Sakura wasn’t just any woman. She was <em>the </em>woman. The one who had cared for him before he cared for himself.</p><p>A tinny cracking of terracotta echoed across the house and stifled Gaara's peace. There was only one room it could have come from, and he scrambled quickly out of his bedroom to the indoor garden next door.</p><p>Gaara braced himself for a fight, but his shoulders slumped when he faced his "intruder." A little Uchiha stood barefoot in his indoor garden, soil covering her hands.</p><p>As soon as their gazes locked, Sarada's eyes went wide with fear. He’d expected tears maybe, but the little girl in front of him recoiled completely, as if trying to disappear into the floor. The reaction felt oddly familiar to his own childhood, but he tried not to dwell on it.</p><p>"I'm really sorry!" She bowed low.</p><p>Gaara moved cautiously so as not to further startle her and scooped up the remains of the prickly plant from the floor. Sarada immediately relaxed.</p><p>"Everything’s just fine." He used his clean hand to ruffle her hair. "Cacti are resilient things."</p><p>"Really?" She leaned in close.</p><p>"Yes, really." Gaara carefully picked up the shards of terracotta from the tile and then swept the dirt aside with his broom.</p><p>When he'd moved everything out of the way, Gaara lifted Sarada and held her up to see the other succulents lined around the room.</p><p>"All of these have been with me for years. Like I said...resilient."</p><p>"What's that one?!" Sarada gestured to a massive cactus sitting in a pot in the corner of the room, whose top was blooming with a smattering of pink flowers.</p><p>"Oh, that." Gaara shifted Sarada in his arms so that he could pull the pot closer from its sill. “That’s an old gift.”</p><p>“From who?"</p><p>"Sarada Uchiha!" Sakura appeared in the doorway with her hands on her hips. She gasped as soon as she saw the cracked pot and soil in a pile on the floor.</p><p>"Mom, look at this!" Sarada jumped out of Gaara's arms as he lowered her to the floor and gestured to the big cactus. However, Sakura was too mortified to pay attention.</p><p>"Gaara I'm so sorry. Your plant—</p><p>"—It’s nothing.”</p><p>Sakura sighed out hard and looked to her daughter, who tried her best to shrink herself behind Gaara's pajama pant leg.</p><p>"You don’t touch things that don't belong to you, Sarada. You know that." She crouched to her level. "You're lucky Gaara is so nice."</p><p>Gaara watched Sakura stroke her daughter's hair as she spoke. Though her words were firm, there was a softness in the chiding that dispelled any tension in the room. Motherhood really suited her, he thought. Still, with her hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun and her face clear of makeup, Sakura looked startlingly young.</p><p>"Sorry, Gaara." Sarada hugged her mother around the waist as she apologised.</p><p>"It's fine." Gaara tried to wave her off, but Sakura was determined.</p><p>"No, it's important for us to apologise when we do something wrong. It's really important."</p><p>From the way she looked at him, Gaara could feel the double meaning in her words.</p><p>"Sarada, go hang out in the living room." Sakura shooed her daughter out of the room. The moment the door swung closed behind her, she put her face in her hands.</p><p>"How are you feeling?" Gaara asked. He wanted to get in before she had a chance to spill out yet another apology.</p><p>"Mortified." She threw her hands down. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, Gaara. I don't usually drink like that. <em>Really</em>. All I know is that I'm so, so—</p><p>"You have nothing to apologize for.”</p><p>“I embarrassed you in front of all of your friends…”</p><p>“They’re your friends too.”</p><p>She looked away from him. “I just—</p><p>“Don’t say it.” Gaara stepped closer and Sakura bit her lips together, presumably to stop another apology from bubbling out. Such a cute, embarrassed little action, but Gaara tried not to linger on it.</p><p>"God, I’m sorry. It’s like I can’t help myself.” Sakura twisted nervously at the hem of her shirt.</p><p>Gaara recognised it as one of his old gym tops; the white fabric had been made sheer through overuse of softener and the Lacoste logo distorted itself over the swell of her right breast. The more he stared, the more clearly he could see the outline of her nipple.</p><p><em>‘What is wrong with you?’</em> A voice in his head chided, and Gaara snapped his gaze back to her face. It had been quite a while since he'd had a woman other than Temari in his apartment, and Sakura was quickly reminding him of the feelings that could come with that kind of intimacy. Sexual energy that had lay dormant for ages was now back in full force.</p><p>“Yes, well…” Gaara scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck. “Just about everyone in that room last night has a history of embarrassing themselves at parties.”</p><p>Sakura snickered, and the softening of her features made him relax. Usually he hated recounting any part of his university experience, but to see a smile on Sakura’s face was worth it.</p><p>“God, remember that time at your apartment? With Kiba and the Fireball?” Her eyes crinkled beautifully at the edges as she laughed.</p><p>Gaara smirked at the memory of the shitfaced young man howling over their balcony. That night he’d brought five dogs over from his part time job at a rescue centre, and after 8 shots of whisky and more than a few beers, let them loose in the apartment lobby.</p><p>“How could I forget? We nearly got evicted.” He ruffled his hair with one hand, and Sakura’s eyes followed the action eagerly. He’d forgotten how much of a head-fuck it was to have someone look at him that way. <em>Her </em>look at him that way.</p><p>"You haven't changed at all, you know." Sakura’s lips quirked up into a smirk that reminded him of the drunken cheekiness from the night before. "Not <em>really</em>."</p><p>Standing there together in close quarters, Gaara felt something shift between them. It was subtle, but a bit of the nervous tension from the night before had ebbed, and Sakura’s smile revealed to him a girlish, more easy-going nature.</p><p>"That sounds vaguely like an insult," he said.</p><p>“Only vaguely? Then I’m not trying hard enough.” Sakura folded her arms against her chest and Gaara’s gaze dropped down again. It was like she was pushing them straight at him.  </p><p><em>‘Stop staring,’ </em>he scolded himself.</p><p>Across the hall, Gaara's phone buzzed loudly.</p><p>"I'm sorry I have to—</p><p>"—no, it's fine." Sakura brought her hands up to play with the frizzy ends of her hair. "You're a busy man."</p><p>Gaara stepped off down the hall and it wasn’t until Sakura was alone in the room that she realised how strongly her heart was beating. His gaze – so fucking serious and just a little dark… she hated that it still did something to her. Regardless of what she’d said the night before, she was still a married woman, and reliving teenage fantasy was not becoming of a woman who’d just turned thirty.</p><p>As the sun began to rise, the room filled with light, and Sakura was happy to feel the warmth seep in through the windows and onto her skin. She looked around at the variety of succulents, creeping vines and prickly plants that filled the shelves. All brilliantly cared for, not a browning leaf in sight.</p><p>The thought of Gaara dutifully gardening seemed at odds with his new business-like persona. Somehow, she’d imagined him growing out of his horticulture phase, but was glad to see that bit of unpretentiousness had stuck. Sakura turned to the side and caught sight of a large cactus in the corner, sitting in a familiar blue pot, blooming with pink flowers.</p><p>Her heart hurt.<em> 'That's - It couldn't be…'</em></p><p>Just as she started to get closer to the plant, Gaara returned, markedly different than before. He'd changed into a crisp white button-down and slacks, and his hair was parted and combed neatly into place. Gone was relaxed Gaara, and in his place was a picture of stoicism.</p><p>"Everything okay?" she asked. Her heart was racing again, but not just from the sight of him.</p><p>"Mn?" Gaara had missed the question, but when he saw the concern on Sakura's face, forced a small smile.</p><p>"Yes. Sorry about that. Can I get you something to eat?" Gaara tried. "For you or Sarada?"</p><p>Sarada re-emerged in the doorway with a grin on her lips. "Let’s have scrambled eggs!" She piped up, but then caught the dangerous look on her mother's face. "I mean…"</p><p>"Simple enough." Gaara started off toward the kitchen, but Sakura was hot on his heels in an embarrassed panic.</p><p>"Gaara don’t. Really. Sarada can wait until we get to my mom's. Right, Sarada?"</p><p>"Yeah…" Sarada frowned as she gave a stubborn nod.</p><p>Gaara glanced at his watch. "I have time. It's no trouble."</p><p>Sakura tried again to protest, but by the time she met him in the kitchen, Gaara was already cracking eggs into a glass bowl. It was such a natural thing, to make breakfast for a friend, and yet Sakura felt awkward. She was so used to being the one scrambling eggs and setting plates; no one had done anything for her in ages.</p><p>Her eyes wandered the slick, expensive-looking apartment before falling on Gaara’s tall form. She remembered a time not long ago when she would have killed to wake up to him making her breakfast. To wake up in his apartment, barefoot with bedhead. But ten years later, it was glaringly apparent that Gaara wasn’t meant for her. He never had been.</p><p>Sakura’s gaze came to rest on her hands in her lap. The wedding band on her ring finger weighed heavy.</p><p>"Maybe you have changed.” She frowned at the marble countertop. “Making me breakfast? Ten years ago, you would have just dumped me out on my ass.”</p><p>Gaara stopped whisking the eggs in the bowl, and Sakura dug her nails into her palms. Oblivious to the abrupt shift in mood, Sarada hopped up on one of the high stools across from her mother.</p><p>"Huh? What does that mean?" She frowned.</p><p>“It’s just an expression.” Gaara lied, but was glad to see Sarada too distracted with spinning on the stool press it further. Sakura kept her gaze trained on the countertop. </p><p>“I need to…I should put on some clothes,” she said and jumped down from the stool.</p><p>Instead of trying to stop her, Gaara focused on pouring the egg mixture into a hot pan.</p><p>
  <em>‘You would have just dumped me out on my ass.’</em>
</p><p>Gaara whisked hard. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking to invite her back. There he was – borderline flirting, letting his head fill with sexual fantasy as if he hadn’t betrayed her years ago. Had he really expected her to forget?  </p><p>“How do you know my mom?” Sarada interrupted Gaara’s violent assault on her eggs.  </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“My mom. How do you know my mom?” Her eyes narrowed in a way that was way too reminiscent of Sasuke. “She never talks about anyone in Tokyo except Grandma.”</p><p>“We went to school together.” He turned off the flame on the stove and grabbed a plate.</p><p>“Oh." Sarada swung her legs back and forth idly. “Did you know my dad too?”</p><p>“Yes.” Gaara’s back stiffened as he scraped the eggs onto Sarada’s plate.</p><p>“Really?!” She leaned forward, eyes wide. “What was dad like back then?”</p><p>“The same.” The sweetness of Sakura’s voice floated back into the kitchen, and Gaara was glad he hadn’t been forced to come up with an appropriate response.</p><p>She was wearing her dress from the day before. The fabric was wrinkled now, but somehow, she pulled it off.  </p><p>“You should have told me I looked like such a wreck.” She gave a nervous chuckle, but Gaara held her gaze with intention. She’d done something – some sort of female wizardry that depuffed her eyes and made her lips look glossy, but even without it Gaara found her stunning.</p><p>“You look great,” he said.  </p><p>Sakura pulled her hair free from its bun and shook her head until it hung in frizzy waves around her shoulders. Gaara tried not to frown. He’d never liked her hair long – it hid her – ate up her delicate features in a way that made her body seem too fragile. It was a well-known rumour in university that Sasuke preferred girls with long hair, and since Gaara had known her, Sakura never had a cut above her shoulders.</p><p>Sarada looked up from shovelling eggs into her mouth. “Her hair’s a total mess. Dad tells her that all the time,” she grinned.</p><p>Sakura’s posture deflated at the mention of Sasuke.  </p><p>“We should get out of here. My mom’s expecting us.” She gave Sarada’s back a firm pat.</p><p>“Really? Now? But Gaara’s house is so cool…” she whined, but one look from her mother had Sarada hopping down from the stool.</p><p>“There’s no rush. Really.” Gaara tried, but Sakura wouldn’t look at him head on.</p><p>“Sarada, go pee. I’m just going to say goodbye.”</p><p>As soon as Sarada disappeared around the corner, Gaara took a seat at the island across from Sakura. Up close she really looked like a doll. A sad, pissed doll, but a doll, nonetheless.</p><p>His fingers itched for a cigarette.</p><p>“Perhaps we should meet up again when you’re free and talk,” he suggested. It was lame, but somehow he hoped Sakura might lean into it.</p><p>“Talk about what?” her tone was stony.</p><p>Gaara faltered – he hadn’t expected such a direct response. Normally he was the king of dealing with rough situations, but this wasn’t some boardroom dick swinging. It was ten years of toxic history.</p><p>“I didn’t come here to see you,” Sakura continued. She smiled, but Gaara could see it was strained. “I just want to make that really clear.”</p><p>“Sakura, I didn’t assume.” Gaara stood and stepped towards her, but then thought better of closing the distance between them. Closeness was what had gotten into a mess in the first place.</p><p>“I can tell you have a really nice life here and the last thing I came to Tokyo to do was fuck that up.”</p><p>Gaara watched her gaze sweep the space. Everything was perfectly in place – sterile and expensive – nothing like the ramen and smoke scented apartment he’d shared with Naruto during college. Part of him wanted her to be proud, but he could tell by the look in her eyes that was the last thing on her mind.  </p><p>“Sarada and I have a good life too, you know,” she added. “In Hokkaido too, we…”</p><p>As if on cue, Sarada came running out of the bathroom.</p><p>“Time to go see Grandma?” she asked, wiping her wet hands on her shorts.</p><p>“Time to go see Grandma.” Sakura hopped down from the stool and grabbed her purse from the coffee table. Gaara followed behind as they headed for the door. It was all happening so quickly – he’d expected more time. More time to gather himself. More time to talk. More time to apologise.</p><p>“Wait.” Gaara held the door closed with one hand when Sakura reached for the handle. She looked up at him with a scowl.</p><p>“Gaara we really have to—</p><p>“<em>Wait</em>.” Gaara reached behind her to where his suit jacket was hanging on a hook. He dug around in the pocket for a moment before holding out a crisp, white business card. “Here. Call me if you need anything. Anything at all.”</p><p>When Sakura made no move to take it, Gaara tucked it into the front pocket of her purse. Sakura reached again from the door handle, but with Gaara standing so close behind, she had no choice but to back into him.  It was a brief touch – five seconds of soft pressure against his chest – but just enough to send him careening back into teen-hood.</p><p>“Let me know if—</p><p>“<em>Bye</em>.” Sakura flung the door open and pulled Sarada through. It slammed shut hard behind them, leaving Gaara staring at a thick pane of frosted glass. </p><p>“...bye.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah, poor Gaara. Or poor Sakura? :p</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Eggplant curry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you again for the lovely reviews! I have a few chapters of this story already pre-laid out, but I want to be consistent with uploads so will say that you should be able to count on a new chapter every Sunday :) Hope you like this update - let me know what you think if you have the time!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In summer, going to see the fireworks was a Haruno family tradition. Most other families might go to one or two local festivals, but Kizashi Haruno didn’t do things in half measures. Every celebration within a 100-mile radius was fair game, and the more sweet treats they sold, the better. Sumida, Omagari, Tsuchiura… nowhere was too busy or too far. Despite her mother’s feigned protests, they would go as a trio to every celebration they could afford and gorge themselves on kakigori and yakisoba while watching the colours light up the sky.</p><p>Sakura was nine when the fun stopped. After her dad died, her mother couldn’t find it in her to get out of bed, let alone book tickets for any of the major shows. Even the local festivals seemed to be too much effort. The few friends she had went with their parents, and even when they invited her, Sakura was too scared to leave her mother home alone.</p><p>Sarada was born on a fireworks night.</p><p>Sasuke would sometimes joke and say it was why she never stopped crying. Sakura went into labour on their balcony, halfway through hanging up a load of laundry. She’d only just sent the housekeeper home for the night, and it was by the grace of God that old lady Minami heard her cries while slipping her shoes on at the front door.</p><p>Despite the amount of money they’d shelled out a private birthing suite, breathing classes and a doula, nothing prepared Sakura for the agony of labour.</p><p>19 hours.</p><p>Her body was so small and the pain so intense she thought she might tear completely in two. Sakura cried for her mother then, for Sasuke, for Ino, for absolutely anyone to help. It wasn’t just the physical pain, but the fear of what Sarada being real would mean for her. A little girl couldn’t come into the world all alone – not with a mother so sad and pitiful.</p><p>Sasuke arrived just on time to save her – still in his suit and smelling faintly of a perfume she didn’t recognise. But Sakura could ignore it all when he held her, when he squeezed her hand and kissed her forehead and told her not to ever fucking give up.</p><p>“This the beginning of our family,” he said. And the words were so soft and so reassuring and so <em>unlike him</em> that she readily believed it.</p><p>The following months were rough. The days Sakura imagined would be devoted to fawning and cooing over a sleeping baby were spent mostly in tears. Her body throbbed and oozed and burned and no amount of house help could soothe the ache of loneliness.  Sarada refused to take her breast, but latched onto her like dead weight, threatening to scream whenever she even thought about putting her down. Sakura felt like a prisoner in her own home.</p><p>“I don’t know what to do anymore,” She cried to Sasuke at eight months in. “My mom should be here to help. Why can’t she visit?”</p><p>Sasuke had just come in from a long day – something about back to back client meetings, but her head spun too much to make sense of any of it. It was easy for him to come home when it was good, when Sarada was exhausted and finally sleeping after a full day of screaming and shit-stained surfaces.  </p><p>“We have money. We can pay someone to come in.” He pulled his tie free with a frown. “What more help do you need? Besides, your mother was always critical of you, <em>wasn’t she</em>?”</p><p>It was posed as a question, but Sakura could hear the subtle suggestion in his tone. Why did she doubt him? Why did they need anyone else when they had each other?</p><p>“Maybe we could finally reach out to the others?” Sakura kept her voice soft, both out of fear of his reaction and the ever-looming assault of Sarada’s wails. “Ino and Naruto maybe…they might understand. They might--”</p><p>“Jesus Christ. The Stockholm Syndrome with you,” Sasuke scoffed. “It’s been months now. Don’t you find it funny none of them even tried to find out where we went?”</p><p>When Sakura lowered her gaze, Sasuke pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “They don’t care about you. I’ve always been the only one, haven’t I?”</p><p>Sasuke took her silence as agreement.</p><p>“You didn’t have a life back in Tokyo,” he took her by the chin to look her straight in the eyes. “Neither of us did. Our life is here now.”</p><p>Sakura looked to the crib beside their bed and then the sticky stains of breastmilk seeping through her top. “I don’t think I can do this, Sasuke-kun. I...”</p><p>“Hey. You’ll be a great mother, Sakura.” Sasuke held her to his side. “Better than what either of us grew up with.”</p>
<hr/><p>It was like something out of American Psycho – Gaara’s name embossed in gold on the crisp white card. If she licked the edge, she’d half expect to get a buzz of cocaine.</p><p>
  <em>Partner &amp; Lead Financial Services Consultant</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Suna Consulting</em>
</p><p>Sakura furrowed her brow as she read the job title. <em>Finance? Really?</em> Back in college Gaara was the guy she always had to nag to stop drinking long enough to do problem sets. He’d really done well for himself. And on top of it all, looked fucking fantastic. Life truly was unfair. She was the one who was supposed to have a great job – paediatric surgeon or medical scientist or something. Not penniless and on the brink of divorce.</p><p>Sarada, who’d been busying herself with a handheld game the entire bus ride, sat up to peek at the business card.</p><p>“He seemed really fancy,” she noted. “Like dad.”</p><p><em>He’s nothing like Sasuke,</em> Sakura wanted to say, but instead just gave a shrug.</p><p>“Are we going to meet him again? And all the other people from last night? They were fun.” Sarada tried to take the card, but Sakura tucked it securely back into her purse.</p><p>“Hey look, this is us.” Sakura gestured out the window, feeling very glad for the bus’s stop.</p><p>After a five-minute walk, Sakura found herself standing in front of her childhood home in Ueno. There was a time when coming home was a nightmare for her, but still, it was amazing how much things hadn't changed. Ten years and her mother still lived in the same house, on the same street, with the same stupid pink welcome mat and matching doorbell.</p><p>Sakura wondered if she was the only one who'd become something peculiar.</p><p>"What’s wrong?" Sarada snapped her out of her daze. "Let's see Grandma already!"</p><p>“Yeah, yeah.” Sakura rang the doorbell with her free hand. She expected a wait, but it only took a second for her mother to fling open the door.</p><p>"Listen you assholes, I told you I don't want to buy a subscript—</p><p>Mebuki paused mid-rant as soon as she saw her visitors more clearly.</p><p>"Sakura! Sarada!" She jumped back in surprise. Sakura had no time to react.</p><p>"Oh goodness – look how big you are!" Mebuki yanked Sarada off her feet and swung her around. Sakura smiled, but couldn’t help but feel guilty watching the two. Her mother hadn’t seen either of them for years, and it was through no fault of her own.</p><p>As with most things, Sasuke was the one to put his foot down. He’d banned her from visiting their home in Hokkaido until a year after Sarada’s birth, and then after a series of arguments about his presence (or lack thereof) in the household, Sasuke moved them further out of the city and her mother hadn't seen either of them for five years.</p><p>"I'm definitely going to be as tall as dad soon," Sarada said proudly. Mebuki gave a good-natured laugh, but Sakura couldn't help but notice the way her mouth twisted up in disapproval as soon as the little girl turned her back.</p><p>"And you! Your hair's so long!" She hovered over Sakura’s head with a frown. "All those split ends though. Jesus…  You think that husband of yours could toss you a few bucks for the salon now and then."</p><p>"Mom you know Sasuke likes long hair." Sakura shifted out of her reach. "I'm trying to grow it out a bit more first. Then I'll fix it up."</p><p>Mebuki rolled her eyes and ushered Sarada in towards the living room. While she set her up with the television, Sakura wandered around the kitchen. The paint was different and there were some new pots of fake flowers on the sill, but everything else - from the lemon-yellow backsplash tiles to the pencil height chart next to the fridge - it was just as she'd remembered.</p><p>"It's been a long time, Sakura." Mebuki's tone took on a serious edge as soon as she re-entered the room. "I worried about you. You <em>and</em> Sarada."</p><p>Sakura pressed her thumb against a rusted nail poking out next to one of the markings on the height chart. "I called. I sent letters.”</p><p>"Postcards with no return address.” Mebuki corrected. “A phone call from an unlisted number at Christmas.”</p><p><em>‘Because he was trying to protect me,’ </em>Sakura wanted to say, but instead pushed her thumb harder against the point. She didn’t know what she’d expected – she couldn’t just try and pretend her relationship with Sasuke was normal. Not with her mother.</p><p>“I didn’t come here to fight,” she sighed. “I’m back now, aren’t I?”</p><p>Mebuki hugged Sakura from behind and swatted her hand. “Yes. Finally.”</p><p>Sakura relaxed into her mother’s hold. It had been so long since she’d been held that way – strongly, lovingly. Part of her didn’t ever want it to stop.</p><p>"You just can't imagine the kind of shit that went through my mind all this time,” Mebuki frowned, giving her waist a squeeze. Sakura knew she was feeling for bones – trying to assess just how much thinner she’d gotten over the years.  “What he could have been doing to you out there…"</p><p>"Mom, please. Again with the dramatics." Sakura pulled away and dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. "Sasuke wasn't <em>doing anything</em> to me."</p><p>"Oh right, yes. Just <em>doing everyone else</em>, I'm sure." Mebuki said sarcastically as she pulled a covered bowl from the fridge and popped it in the microwave.</p><p>Sakura's shoulders slumped.</p><p>Sasuke's infidelities had been something of an open secret for years, and though When she was in Hokkaido Sakura knew other people loved to gossip about it, but she tried never to let it get to her. After all, they didn't know the intricacies of their relationship - they didn't <em>understand</em>. But to hear it from her own mother…</p><p>Mebuki saw the look on Sakura’s face and reached for her hand. “Sakura honey…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—</p><p>"—don't." Sakura recoiled from her touch. "It’s not like you're saying anything I haven't heard before. It’s not like… I don’t <em>know</em>."</p><p>Mebuki reached across the table again to hold her hand, and though Sakura was hesitant at first, something about the look in her mother’s eyes softened her. It wasn’t pity she saw – it was relief.</p><p>“He has no right to treat you the way he does,” she was firm. “I’m glad you’ve finally smartened up this time.”</p><p>Sakura frowned. She was a grown woman, and yet still her mother thought she could tell her what to think and feel.</p><p>"Actually, I just thought Sarada and I should get away for a little bit. A holiday." Sakura smoothed both hands through her hair. "Sasuke and I have just been having some disagreements…”</p><p>The microwave timer went off and Mebuki rushed to put the bowl in front of her daughter. "Just tell me the truth, Sakura," she said, before handing Sakura a spoon. "Has he been hitting you?"</p><p>"Mom!"</p><p>“Mom what? I’m sorry Sakura, but what do you expect me to think? It’s been <em>years</em>. I can count the number of times I’ve seen Sarada on one hand! Everyone was always asking about you. What was I supposed to say?”</p><p>“You didn’t have to tell them anything,” she snapped. “If you didn’t want to keep up appearances, oh well! You could have told them the truth. Your stupid kid got pregnant out of wedlock and ran off to be with a man!”</p><p>“Why him?” Mebuki shook her head. “Of all the men…”</p><p>
  <em>Because he could take care of me. </em>
</p><p>“All he’s ever done is control and isolate you,” she carried on when Sakura didn’t respond. “What kind of man doesn’t want his wife to have her friends and family at their wedding? At their child’s birth?”</p><p>Sakura dug a spoon into the bowl in front of her. It was eggplant curry – her favourite from childhood – prepared the proper way instead of squeezed from a package like she used to in college. Yet as soon as she put the first bite in her mouth, she couldn’t swallow it down.</p><p>Sakura pushed the barely eaten bowl of food away from her.</p><p>"Hey, you finish that." Mebuki gestured to the bowl. "You look like a skeleton. He been starving you too?"</p><p>"<em>Mother</em>—"</p><p>"I know you don’t want to hear it, Sakura, but that man is toxic." Mebuki frowned. "Always has been, always will be. He clearly doesn't know a good thing when he sees it, and I swear to God your father would have absolutely hated him."</p><p>Sakura clenched her fists on the tabletop.</p><p>"Where is papa?" She looked around the room, desperate for a change in topic. It was a classic avoidance technique, but Mebuki didn’t push it.</p><p>"I moved him a little bit,” she sighed.  “I cleared out the old sewing room for some more space. I figured he'd like it."</p><p>"Ah." Sakura followed her mom to a room down the hall where the old alter was present.</p><p>She lit a stick of incense before lowering herself to her knees on a pillow in front of the raised platform. Mebuki joined her daughter and pulled open the ornate wooden doors to reveal Kizashi's photo placed just slightly below the Buddha. Her father had died years ago when she was nine – a hit and run accident on his way home from work. It had been 21 years since then, and yet every time Sakura saw his photo in the shrine, it was like the wound had been reopened.</p><p>“He would have wanted to see you with someone who supports you,” Mebuki said. “He would have wanted to see you happy.”</p><p>“I wasn’t happy in Tokyo. Sasuke wanted me to have a better life,” Sakura countered. After all, it was the truth. She’d feared the thought of going back to Tokyo and of having to worry about her mother, but things had gotten so out of hand.</p><p>“Well, did you?” her mother frowned.</p><p>Sakura squeezed her eyes shut. It had become second nature to believe Sasuke’s control was out of love. That trapping and isolating was a way of preserving the things that mattered most to him. But she had to be honest with herself. If she genuinely believed he loved her, she wouldn’t have taken off for Tokyo with Sarada in the first place.</p><p>"Just tell me the truth. How bad is it, Sakura?" Her mother put a hand on her shoulder after she'd finished her prayer.</p><p>"Bad." Sakura hung her head. "He sent divorce papers in the mail."</p><p>"Divorce papers?" Mebuki looked shocked. "<em>Him?</em> Jesus."</p><p>"We'd been arguing more about-about …<em>everything</em>,” Sakura was intentionally vague. “I blew up. He said he wants to have more children, but I just don't know that I can do this shit again. You know how hard it was with Sarada…" She was careful to keep her voice low.</p><p>Although now Sakura regarded Sarada as one of the best things to happen to her, the timing and circumstances had never been right. Pregnant in her final year of university – all alone in Hokkaido for her birth…</p><p>"He wants you barefoot and pregnant while he does whatever he pleases." Mebuki snapped. "That's always been his plan.”</p><p>Sakura watched the smoke from the incense curl up towards the ceiling. "I gave him an ultimatum while he was away on business and the very next day the divorce papers showed up. He didn’t sign them, but … I mean I really thought he would have fought."</p><p>"Please. It’s a manipulation tactic. Are you ready to call his bluff and leave?" Mebuki looked at her daughter seriously but sighed when Sakura tipped her head down. "He's trying to scare you into staying, Sakura."</p><p>"I've <em>been</em> scared, mom. I mean what the fuck are we supposed to do? I gave up my job years ago… I've depended on him for everything…"</p><p>"That's why you need to get rid of him and get your life back."</p><p>"But what about Sarada's life?" Sakura was desperate. "You should see him with her when he’s around, mom. He really does love her."</p><p>"That doesn't mean you have to stay." Mebuki put an arm around her daughter's shoulder, drawing her into her chest. "That doesn't mean that's what's best for <strong>you.</strong>"</p><p>Sakura thought of Gaara’s home – the pristine perfection – the way all her old friends filled the space looking so happy and warm. How was it that her life was the only one that hadn’t worked out?  And the way he’d rescued her from the station – like a helpless child. It was everything she’d never wanted, coming to fruition.</p><p>
  <em>Idiot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Idiot.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Idiot!</em>
</p><p>"I want to start over.” She balled her hands into fists in her lap. "I really do."</p><p>"You can." Mebuki kissed her forehead, the way she did when she was young. Before her father died everything went to shit. Just like then, it felt healing. "And you two can stay here for as long as you need to figure out how."</p><p>Although Sakura relaxed into her mother's hold, the reality of the situation still weighed heavy on her mind.</p><p>She and Sasuke had been together for as long as she could remember. High school 'sweethearts.' It would never be as simple as just turning her back and walking away. And on top of that, she was back in Tokyo, forced to face all the people she'd lied to and deserted. They'd all want answers eventually, and she still didn't know how to explain.</p><p>
  <em>‘Call me if you need anything. Anything at all.’</em>
</p><p>Sakura remembered Gaara’s words and how startlingly nice just a moment of his touch felt. She wanted so desperately to hate him more than anyone, but as usual, she ate up any bit of kindness, no matter who it came from. All she could think about the scent of his gym shirt, smoky sweet like the bedsheets in his college apartment.</p><p>She wondered what life might have looked like if they were together. Would they live in a flashy condo in Azabu? Or maybe something small and wild in Nihonmatsu? Have tons of bossy little kids with messy red hair? She thought of his empty apartment – there were no feminine touches or hints of domesticity anywhere. Did that mean he was single? Or maybe he was like Sasuke - the kind of man who liked his space. The kind of man who took his hook-ups to expensive hotels.</p><p>Sakura shook her head to clear the haze. Childish fantasy was what had gotten her into trouble in the first place. The first man she’d tried to drown herself in was Sasuke. In his money, then in status, then sedatives…but none of it ever worked. If she wanted to protect Sarada, she would need to grow up and leave fantasy behind.</p>
<hr/><p>Gaara was still thinking of Sakura as he prepared for his videoconference with Rasa. He considered himself a man of logic and reason, but whenever she came into the picture, it was like he was running on pure adrenaline.</p><p>The memories of college life still plagued him – a time when he absolutely hated Sakura and everything he thought she represented. A brainiac when it came to academics, but a total idiot with love. It pissed him off to see someone he assumed had everything throwing it all away for a man who constantly disrespected her. A stupid high school romance built on looks and status.</p><p>He’d been forced to work to put himself through university, and with no family to go home to during breaks, had little sympathy for weakness in anyone, let alone someone with so much privilege.</p><p>Naruto was the one with the soft heart. The one who let their apartment be a revolving door for her night after night. But once he got a girlfriend and started spending all his time with Hinata, Gaara was stuck with the fallout. Sakura would smile and apologise and make excuses for Sasuke, and it was always just enough for everyone to turn a blind eye. It seemed so pathetic to him, that kind of “friendship.” The way they so easily disposed of one another. It was why he convinced himself it was better to have no one at all.</p><p>Or at least, he<em> tried</em> to.</p><p>Gaara logged into the Skype call to find his father waiting. As soon as they were connected, Rasa launched straight into criticism.</p><p>"You're late," he pointed at his watch for emphasis. It was only three minutes past eight, but there was no arguing with Rasa.</p><p>"Apologies.” Gaara lowered his head slightly and then opened one of the folders on his desk. "If you like, I can take you through—</p><p>"—I've already read your report." Rasa cut him off. "Well done. Although as I keep telling you…brevity matters."</p><p>"Thank you, sir. My mistake on the length," Gaara said, fighting hard the urge to roll his eyes. Never in his life had he gotten anything from Rasa aside from criticism. Even compliments were peppered with some sort of insult.</p><p>"The London client was pleased with your leadership, so let's assume they'll be repeat business. How was everything else?"</p><p>"Everything else?" Gaara racked his brain for any other business he’d somehow forgotten to attend to. "Did someone complain about something?"</p><p>"I mean, you were in London for the first time, weren't you?" Rasa seemed bored. "Did you enjoy yourself?"</p><p>Gaara tried not to gawp at the man on the screen. Rasa never asked him questions that were even remotely the slightest bit personal, and for a moment Gaara wondered if it was some sort of twisted test.</p><p>"I…yes. I mean… I didn't quite have time. Lots of work," he tried.</p><p>Rasa drummed his fingertips on the table for a moment before sighing. Gaara cringed internally. <em>A swing and a miss.</em></p><p>"Anyway, we're contracting out the financials for this next project so you won't have to worry about…"</p><p>Although thrown off by his father's odd mood, Gaara was still distracted. What if that was the last time he saw Sakura or Sarada? He’d spent years convincing himself she was better off without him, but the feeling of rejection was strangely painful.</p><p>"Is something wrong?" Rasa asked. Gaara was startled by the question, but from the deep frown on his father's face, assumed the query wasn't coming from a place of deep concern.</p><p>"No. Everything is operating as it should," Gaara said briskly.</p><p>"Right." Rasa eyed him suspiciously before continuing. "As I was saying… he’s invited you and Shijima. I’m not usually interested in such showy clients, but the art business is profitable. Temari will let you know the details. You and Shijima should be able to attend together, as usual."</p><p>"I don't think that's a good idea," Gaara was quick to interject.</p><p>"Why?" Rasa demanded. “I thought you two got on well.”</p><p>Gaara suddenly felt a headache coming on. He didn’t want to know why Rasa was suddenly interested in his relationship (or lack thereof) with Shijima. He assumed, like most of the office, he must have vaguely been aware of their dates, but was just too uninterested to ever bring it up. It was rule number one of good business practice not to shit where you eat, but strangely enough, Gaara didn’t get the vibe that he was going to be chewed out.</p><p>When Rasa finally had enough of the silence, he sighed aloud.</p><p>"Fine," he muttered and dropped the call, leaving Gaara staring at a blank screen.</p><p>'<em>Fucker,'</em> Gaara thought, and shut his laptop. His relationship with his father had never been a dream, but lately, for a reason he couldn't quite figure out, it seemed as though the man was getting shorter and shorter with him.</p><p>Gaara slid his laptop back into his bag and checked his watch. He still had a little time before he needed to be in the office. When he returned to the kitchen to finish the dishes, he could still see Sarada’s half-eaten plate of eggs where he left it on the countertop. He frowned, thinking of the bright little girl. How was it possible for something so sweet to come out of a relationship with that bastard? Just from the way Sakura deflated when Sarada said Sasuke’s name – it was obvious nothing had changed.</p><p>The front door swung open suddenly and Gaara heard the rapid clicking of heels on the tile. He didn’t have to look up from the sink to know who it was.  </p><p>“You can’t keep letting yourself in like this.” Gaara turned to face his sister.</p><p>“Your fault for giving me a spare.” Temari waved the apartment keys in his face with a toothy grin. “And for moving into this place.”</p><p>“It’s convenient.” Gaara shrugged.</p><p>“Yeah, for <em>dad.</em>” Temari huffed. “You living in property he owns means he doesn’t have to deal with the hard work.”</p><p>“I don’t see it that way.” Gaara rinsed a glass and set it neatly in the dishwasher. Temari huffed.</p><p>“You don’t have to do <em>everything</em> he wants, you know.” She frowned. “You don’t owe him anything.”</p><p>Gaara tensed. He knew very well what Temari was angling at but didn’t have the time or patience to go there.  Although they were siblings, they hadn’t truly grown up together and sometimes it was hard not to see her and Kankuro as simply extensions of Rasa. Reminders of pain and a type of childhood he wasn’t entitled to.</p><p>“Have you given any thought to the thing I mentioned last month?” Temari asked when Gaara turned back to the sink. “The family sessions?”</p><p>Gaara nearly snorted. <em>Family therapy</em>. He remembered nearly laughing when she’d brought it up to him while on business abroad. It figured she didn’t have the guts to say it to his face. Something so absurd – so<em> pathetic</em>. Just the thought of being in a room with a know-it-all psychiatrist and his siblings, relaying tales of their childhood made him sick. And for what, exactly? He already knew the score - life wasn’t fair and some people were entitled to more than others. <em>End of.</em></p><p>“I’ll let you know when I have time in my schedule,” He said, and Temari gave a defeated sigh.</p><p>“So… how’s Sakura? Sarada? They up yet?” She changed the subject. Gaara paused in his washing.</p><p>“They left.”</p><p>“Oh. I thought maybe they might—</p><p>“Might <em>what</em>?” Gaara’s tone was sharp. He lifted Sarada’s half-eaten plate of eggs from the kitchen counter but hesitated a moment before scraping it into the bin. The remaining bits had been shaped into a smiley face.</p><p>Something in his stomach felt embarrassingly warm.  </p><p>He remembered how it felt before the drama unfolded – just the three of them in the kitchen. Sakura half-dressed with her bedhead, Sarada stuffing her mouth with food, him watching over them both. He’d never been able to envision a family of his own before. He wondered – if things had been different, could he have really had that with her?</p><p>Suddenly he could hear her voice in his head again, filled with resentment.</p><p>
  <em>“Ten years ago, you would have just dumped me out on my ass.”</em>
</p><p>Gaara scraped the eggs into the trash and flung the plate into the dishwasher. It bounced off one of the racks and shattered a wine glass.</p><p>“Jesus!” Temari jumped at the sudden crash. “What’s wrong with you?”</p><p>“Nothing. Sorry.” Gaara shut the dishwasher with his foot and rubbed his forehead, temporarily warping the harsh lines of the tattoo there. “I just…just remembered I forgot to send an important email.”</p><p>There was a deep silence between them for a moment, then Temari leaned up on the counter with both elbows. Gaara took her in. She looked different – more made up. With her hair pin straight and her lips painted a dark red, Gaara couldn’t help she looked strangely menacing.</p><p>“Is Sakura your ex?” She blurted.  Gaara looked at her as if she’d grown another head. Though she wasn’t a full-blown menace like Kankuro, Temari certainly hadn’t been blessed with the gift of tact.</p><p>“<em>What?”</em></p><p>“You heard me.” She sat back down at the island. “Did you guys used to go out?”</p><p>“She’s an old friend from school.” Gaara wiped a cloth against the already pristine surface. The house cleaner would come around later (he’d have to up her bonus for dealing with the broken glass), but he’d been well trained since childhood to feel guilty about his own existence.</p><p>“Seemed like more than that,” she smirked. “You two looked <em>very </em>cosy together.”</p><p>His phone buzzed on the table and a message popped up on his screen from Rasa, but he couldn’t concentrate.</p><p>“Stop fishing. If you want to ask something, do it. I have to be in the office before 9.” He wiped his hands against a dry cloth. Temari rotated on the stool.</p><p>“I just think she seems cute, is all. Really lively.” She grinned. ‘And I know people get thrown off by kids, but you’re really good with them. You might consider--”</p><p>“Alright that’s enough.” He grabbed his bag from the chair beside her and slung it over one shoulder. “You need to leave.”</p><p>“What?” She laughed. “You’re not getting any younger, little brother!” She reached out and pinched his cheek as he made a move to shoo her out through the living room.</p><p>“Temari…” He swatted her hand away. “Believe it or not, some people really are perfectly comfortable with being alone.”</p><p>“That’s true.” Temari picked up her purse and headed for the front door. Just before opening it, she poked out her tongue at him. “Not you though.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The angst, the sadness, the draaaamaaaa. ;-)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Tangerine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! Lots of devastating things going on in the world at the moment so I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy and strong. Another long chapter because I really can’t contain myself, lol. This was supposed to come out on Sunday, but I didn’t like the original version I did and had to re-write at the last moment! I also updated the tags and summary on this story to hopefully make it clearer. </p><p>Thank you so much for your lovely comments, it’s seriously so wonderful to see people enjoying the fic, even though it’s been dark as hell! I admit I’m addicted to writing angsty fics, but also looking back, canon Naruto is pretty damn angsty in general! </p><p>Here, I really wanted to explore the various dynamics of abusive relationships, family trauma, and finding closure.</p><p>*Trigger warning* for allusions to/descriptions of abuse in this chapter. :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For Gaara, punctuality was crucial.</p><p>Kankuro always liked to tease him about suffering from “chronic early bird syndrome,” but what Gaara really strived for was being <em>exactly </em>on time. He hated the feeling of waiting in offices or bars or anywhere for things to happen. Every second felt like an eternity when you were early, and the associated eagerness was in no way endearing.</p><p>It was simple. Too early meant too vulnerable, too late was a door closed, and the sweet spot was somewhere in the middle. The spot between desperation and failure. The spot where things were always exactly right.</p><p>Gaara had come into the world too early.</p><p>28 weeks. Premature. His father said it made him overly sensitive, and Kankuro would tell stories about how he would always cry at the drop of a hat. It should have bothered him, but if he was honest, he didn’t remember much about childhood. Temari (or her therapist, rather) said it was likely some sort of coping mechanism due to prolonged trauma, but Gaara wasn’t sure about that. He didn’t feel traumatised. He didn’t <em>feel anything,</em> really.</p><p>He didn’t blame his father for dumping him off at his uncle’s almost straight out of the womb. Life with Yashamaru was pleasant, and he imagined it was hard enough for a man like Rasa to deal with two kids on his own, even with paid help. But besides that, Gaara was responsible for stealing away the most precious thing in a man’s life – his wife. How could you possibly look at something every day that reminded you of losing the love of your life? How could you ever manage to love something like that?</p><p>As an adult, Gaara wondered what Rasa was like before him. A man with two perfect children and a wife he adored. A man in the sweet spot of life. </p><p>As a teenager, however, he was a bitch about it. He resented the cold shoulders and shouting and physical violence that came when Yashamaru passed and Rasa was forced to take him back into the family home. Those years were spent in ferocious rebellion – breaking curfew, stealing, fighting, anything to piss Rasa off. It was the tattoo, of all things, that was last straw. The kanji for love, scratched in thick red ink on his forehead, for everyone to see.</p><p>He could have stolen his siblings’ monthly allowance to get it done well at some upscale place in the city but opted to stick and poke it himself in his closet of a room. At the time it was worth the agony just to see the look on Rasa’s face. Pure rage and disappointment only further amplified when he claimed it as a dedication to his mother.</p><p>Gaara used to cry about her, but only up until he realised it was pointless. He’d never known Karura, and his early birth meant her early death. He was her murderer, not her son, and fundamentally, tears got him nowhere. In fact, the wrong emotion at the wrong time meant a guaranteed shouting match – <em>if he was lucky</em>. The safest thing was to completely dampen any feelings at all.  </p><p>Sakura was a combination of the two things he hated most. Tardiness and free-flowing emotion.   </p><p>She was always the last person to show up at an event, and whenever she came to the apartment, Gaara knew to expect waterworks. It was always maddening to him that a girl like Sakura could spend so much of her life in tears and still manage to make the Dean’s list. But more than that, it was maddening that he even cared. After all, her friends certainly didn’t. They’d always laugh it up with her at drinks or dinner in the apartment and make excuses for her penchant to burst into tears. All it took was for Sakura to tell them to leave Sasuke alone and they did.</p><p>The night everything changed between them, Gaara knew something was off. It was almost 1am when Sakura came knocking, and though most of her fights with Sasuke happened in the evening, she’d never showed up so late before.</p><p>The knock was different too – more of a banging, really – rapid-fire, as if she were trying to break down the door.</p><p>Gaara pretended to read up on Malliavin Calculus when really, he was just waiting to see her. Even though he’d never admit it, he took an unusual amount of joy in coming up with snarky jabs that would make her cheeks red and her lips pout. As much as she played the princess with Sasuke, Gaara could tell she wasn’t weak. When they argued, she’d give as good as she got. But that night, when Naruto opened the door and he saw her face, all comment died in his throat. It was the first time he’d ever seen a woman look like that – so… <em>bruised</em>.</p><p>There was no time for any of Sakura’s usual playful defence. Naruto dragged her into his room, and it was only after almost an hour of hushed arguing that he came out again.</p><p>“What did he do to her?” Gaara demanded.</p><p>“Nothing.” Naruto held the door shut behind him. “Just leave her alone.”</p><p>“What do you mean<em>, nothing</em>? That psycho boyfriend of hers is <em>clearly</em>—</p><p>“Listen. She’s wasted. She said she fell down the stairs and she can’t even think straight let alone explain what happened.”</p><p>“Are you serious? <em>Ray Charles</em> can see what happened!”</p><p>Naruto balled his hands into fists. “Just stay with her while I’m out, okay? I need to find him.”</p><p>“You’re kidding.” Gaara glared at the door. “I’m not a babysitter – call the police if—</p><p>“Will you shut the fuck up!” Naruto snapped and Gaara was so startled by the vicious reaction that he recoiled. “<em>Please</em>. Just watch out for her for a couple hours.”</p><p>Gaara wanted to say no.</p><p>He wanted to piss off completely, but when he stared at the closed door and heard the Sakura’s gentle sniffles from inside, he couldn’t help but think of a time in his life when he sported bruises of his own.</p><p>Instead of running, Gaara settled back down on the sofa. He didn’t remember falling asleep but was roused a few hours later by the feel of something smacking lightly against his face. When he blinked back into consciousness, the living room was shrouded in darkness and the door to Naruto’s room was wide open. When he sat up, pieces of orange peel fell from his hair into his lap.</p><p>“What the…” Gaara could see Sakura’s shadowed figure at the kitchen table. Both arms were arched above her head as she’d just made a successful three-point shot.</p><p>She dropped them immediately when he turned.</p><p>“You were crying in your sleep,” she said, and he could just barely make out the shape of her knitted brows. “Something about…your mom?”</p><p>Gaara swiped his face with a hand and was embarrassed to have it come back wet. He couldn’t remember the nightmare anymore, but his breathing was still laboured.   </p><p>“Shut up.” He stalked into the kitchen and turned up the lights. When the fluorescents hit her full force, he took a sharp intake of breath. She looked so much worse than he remembered. The bruising around her neck was dark purple and formed a perfect ring. Her usually pretty mouth was mottled mess of swollen areas and red patches where he guessed blood had only just started to pool.</p><p>Dressed only in one of Naruto’s old baggy sweatshirts, he could see her bare legs and a series of bruises on her thighs that seemed to indicate something more than just a fight. But while Gaara was disgusted, Sakura seemed unbothered. She held a tangerine in one hand and was digging at the wrinkled peel with her nails.</p><p>“All of these are rotting. Jesus, don’t you guys eat fruit?” She smiled but Gaara didn’t return it.</p><p>Instead, he increased the dimmer until she was only just barely lit. A bit of tension in Sakura’s shoulders relaxed and she started picking at the white pith of the tangerine.</p><p>“Was it a nightmare?” She popped a segment of fruit past her bruised lips. “You can tell me. I’m a good listener, you know.”</p><p>“Where’s Naruto?” Gaara tightened his hold on the chair across from her. “Is he back yet?”</p><p>Sakura ignored him and opened the math book he’d left behind on the table. She skimmed through the answer sheet tucked inside, then waved it in the air.</p><p>“All of these are totally wrong.” She forced a laugh. “You must be failing.”</p><p>Gaara took a seat at the table.  “Is this the first time he’s done this to you?”</p><p>“I could tutor you if you want,” she prattled on. “I tutor Naruto and now he gets Bs, <em>mostly</em>.”</p><p>Gaara knocked the book out of Sakura’s hands and off the table, but she didn’t flinch.  </p><p>“Your boyfriend is going to kill you.” He looked her straight in the eyes. Her smile dropped briefly, but as soon as he blinked it was back.</p><p>“Well maybe I want to die.”</p><p>Her voice sounded so soft, Gaara almost missed the words themselves.</p><p>“What?” he rasped.</p><p>“Jesus, you’re so serious.” She reached into the fruit bowl and picked out another slightly saggy-looking tangerine.</p><p>Gaara couldn’t stop staring at her. Despite what he told himself, she really was still pretty, even with the spotty bruises marring her face and neck. Even with the bull-headed foolishness that kept her going back to Sasuke. Neither one of them spoke, and Sakura focused her attention on the skin of the fruit, working one thumb under the peel, pushing gingerly and evenly until it had separated in one clean piece.</p><p>“Nice!” she held up the long strip of rind with a proud smile.  </p><p>When Gaara didn’t say anything, she looked down at the table and gingerly rubbed her neck.</p><p>“You have no idea what it’s like when someone loves you, do you?” she asked. “Like loves you so much they don’t want anyone else to have you.”</p><p>Gaara didn’t know what to say. It was true – he didn’t understand. But was that really love? Possessing someone?</p><p>“He does it because he loves me,” she said, but it was soft, as if she were speaking to herself more than anything. “Because no one else can take it like I can.”</p><p>She was tearful as usual, but this time, it wasn’t masked by a smile. This time, she looked so devastated Gaara didn’t know what to do.</p><p>“I just…” She squeezed the peeled fruit in her hand until it sprayed juice over the tabletop.</p><p>“<em>Right?</em>” she begged. “Isn’t…isn’t it right?”</p><p>Trembling, Sakura reached across the table for his hand. Gaara’s first instinct was to pull away, but instead he let her hold it – just lightly touching his fingertips at first, and then over his palm completely. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone had ever touched him so gently.  </p><p>“Sakura…”</p><p>As soon as he started, she burst into tears. She sobbed loud and ugly, making sounds like some sort of wounded animal. For the first time in a long time Gaara felt scared. Naruto wasn’t there – no one was there – how did he deal with her? Sakura grabbed at his hand, his wrist, his arm, pulling him until he was forced to stand.</p><p>When Gaara saw her face, it was distorted with effort and hysteria. The once beautiful features squashed and red and snotty. Without thinking of the consequences, he pushed the table back and let Sakura throw herself into him. They crumpled to the floor together, her face buried in his chest, her fists balled in his shirt.  </p><p>When he listened to her like that, Gaara remembered a childhood of crying, locked in closets, or bathrooms or strategically left behind from family outings. He remembered how devastating it was to cry out for someone and get nothing.</p><p>“This is the last time.” Gaara squeezed her. He’d wanted to be comforting but realised sounded vaguely like a threat. “Promise you’ll get rid of him.”</p><p>Sakura didn’t answer. Instead she grasped him harder and cried until her voice was raw and there was absolutely nothing left. When she finally passed out, Gaara moved her to the couch and was tucking her in with a smoke scented blanket when the front door opened. Naruto slipped in with a sigh but smiled when he saw the tender gesture.</p><p>“Thanks.” Naruto put a hand on his shoulder and Gaara noticed the knuckles were bruised and red.</p><p>He shrugged away. “You find him?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Naruto threw his jacket towards a chair, but it missed and hit the ground. “He won’t do it again. He promised.”</p>
<hr/><p>Time passed slowly while Gaara was in the office. Life had mostly settled back into its normal routine since Sakura showed up, but there was still an undercurrent of distress. He hadn't heard anything about her at all since she'd stormed out on him and returned home to her mother.</p><p><em>Is that it for good then? </em>He wondered.  </p><p>As if sensing his change in mood, Yukata, his secretary, popped into the office pushing a cart full of treats and mail.</p><p>"Sorry I missed you this morning. I was running some errands. How was London?" She smiled brightly and placed a glass of cool black tea on his desk.</p><p>"That's just fine, Yukata. The account went well. Rasa said—</p><p>"I meant the <em>city</em>, Gaara-sama.,” she interrupted with a giggle. "How did you find it?"</p><p>"Oh. Right," Gaara mumbled. "I was working quite a bit. Not much time to explore."</p><p>"Oh Gaara-sama…" Yukata clicked her tongue with disapproval.</p><p>"You know I really wish you wouldn't do that." Gaara opened his laptop. "It's just Gaara. <em>Really</em>. I’m your boss, not your lord."</p><p>"Sure Gaara-sama!" Yukata shrugged and handed him a stack of letters. "Here's your mail."</p><p>"Thanks." He leafed through a few old memos and then stopped on a flyer from 'Suriya,' an upscale tapas bar in Tokyo. "How's your sister doing these days?"</p><p>"Business is great! She always asks when you'll come by. It's always free cocktails and curry for you, you know. And maybe a date?" Yukata stuck out her tongue with a playful grin.</p><p>Gaara smiled to himself. Ever since he’d done their family the favour of helping out with accounts, Yukata’s younger sister Matsuri had remained infatuated with him. </p><p>"Maybe," he deflected. "Tell her I'm proud of her hard work. Let me know if she needs anything from me when they open up the Sapporo branch."</p><p>Gaara was just about to take a sip of tea when Kankuro popped his head into the office. Instead of giving a proper greeting, he threw a wink Yukata's way and plucked a tangerine from her cart as she started off.</p><p>"Damn. She gets hotter every day, doesn't she?" Kankuro said in a low voice, gesturing to Yukata as she swayed out of the office with a smile. He started to peel the fruit and toss the rind on Gaara’s desk.</p><p>"She's too young for you," Gaara muttered. "And not to mention too sensible."</p><p>"Well, I do love a challenge."</p><p>"Keep your hands to yourself," Gaara warned. "I don't have the budget for another secretary."</p><p>"Oh please. You have the budget to hire a harem of secretaries." Kankuro rolled his eyes. "But enough about my work-related fantasies… How's it going with our favourite pink lady?"</p><p>"Who?" Gaara looked down to his screen to avoid his brother’s gaze. He usually prided himself on having a wonderful poker face, but when it came to Sakura, he didn’t trust himself.</p><p>"Pink hair, small tits, little kid…. Sakura. You know I'm talking about Sakura, you douchebag." Kankuro ate a segment of fruit and then tried to spit the seed into Gaara's trash can. Instead, it made an arch across the table and plopped straight into the bottom of his glass of tea.</p><p>Gaara resisted the urge to fling the liquid in his brother's face.</p><p>"I haven't spoken to her since the party. I assume she's safe with her mother."</p><p>"Maybe you should give her a call or something." Kankuro shrugged. "Check in on her. One of the girls must have her number."</p><p>Gaara gave him a long, suspicious look. "Since when do you suggest I do anything even remotely kind for anyone?"</p><p>"Hey, I'm looking out for your sexual health here, little brother. Divorced women are always desperate for dick. Especially divorced single moms. You should scratch that itch if you get the chance."</p><p>Gaara felt his face get hot with anger, but instead he put his head in his hands. "Just when I thought you couldn't get any more crude."</p><p>Kankuro shrugged. "So are you gonna do it or what?"</p><p>"<em>Or what</em>," he bit back.</p><p>Kankuro rounded the desk to peer over Gaara's shoulder at his laptop screen. Any other guy with an office of his own would surely be watching porn, but Gaara only had up a few emails and spreadsheets. But then again, Gaara wasn't just any other guy.</p><p>He’d changed completely from the hellraiser he was in his teens, and while he and Temari enjoyed the luxuries that their father's wealth afforded them, Gaara went out of his way to avoid it. It was only over the last few years that things had changed. As soon as Gaara graduated from college, Rasa did a 180, giving him control over both the Japan and London arms of their agency.</p><p>And since then, Gaara had been perfect. He travelled often but only for work, treated himself to only a small, functional wardrobe, and never spent more than was necessary. While Kankuro and Temari were more lax with their personal lives and careers, Gaara was rigid. To Kankuro's knowledge there were never any illicit indulgences. No strip clubs, no paid sex, no drugs. Kankuro didn't know how he managed.</p><p>"Are you ever going to spill about what happened with Shijima?" Kankuro tried. He'd never been particularly invested in the high-powered female analyst, but she did seem to bring some normalcy to Gaara's life. They went out, he took her to events, he <em>assumed </em>they had sex. Seeing them together made him feel…less guilty. Less worried about his little brother.</p><p>Gaara closed his laptop and checked the clock. He had a standing squash and dinner date with Naruto at 6:30. It was the only day of the week he left the office on time, and he was suddenly thankful for an excuse to escape his older brother's arrogant line of questioning.</p><p>"She was looking for a larger commitment than I was interested in," he said, packing his things.</p><p>"That doesn't sound like you." Kankuro tutted.</p><p>'<em>What do you know about me?' </em>Gaara wanted to say, but instead let silence settle between them.</p><p>"Dad worries about you, you know." Kankuro said, and Gaara couldn’t restrain his scoff.</p><p>"The only thing Rasa worries about is his money."</p><p>"No, I'm serious." Kankuro took a seat on the edge of Gaara's desk. The redhead was troubled by the look of concern on the usually flippant man's face.</p><p>"Temari's married with a kid and he knows I’m not fucking with that shit any time soon, but you…"</p><p>"Me?" Gaara raised a brow.</p><p>"We both know you're not like me, Gaara.” Kankuro smirked. "I see you with Shikadai sometimes. You probably want a million kids…marriage…house in the countryside…the whole thing."</p><p>Gaara frowned as he began packing his work away. "So, it’s a crime to want a family now?”</p><p>"If that's what you really want, then why ditch Shijima?" Kankuro pressed again. "She was ready to have your babies the moment you met."</p><p>"She wasn't right for me."</p><p>"And Sakura is?"</p><p>The redhead shot a glare at his brother. "I have <em>zero</em> interest in Sakura."</p><p>"Oh, <em>come on</em>, I saw the way you guys were looking at each other the other night." Kankuro finished his last segment of orange. "<em>Everyone did</em>."</p><p>As he shook his head, Gaara was overtaken with the memory of Sakura’s glossy pink lips pressed up against the rim of a champagne glass.</p><p>She still sounded the same. Sweet and chipper, but with a familiar warm huskiness that cropped up when she drank a little too much. And when she drank a little too much…</p><p>He pinched the bridge of his nose and stood up. He didn’t want to think of Sakura at all.</p><p>"You're getting almost as bad as Temari,” he muttered.</p><p>"Hey, now that's mean!" Kankuro laughed, and Gaara was glad to see the seriousness gone from his face.</p><p>“Sakura’s obviously going through a challenging time in her life. I'm just doing what I can to help."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. Of course. I should probably do my bit too, really. It's probably really lonely out here all by herself." Kankuro wriggled his brows at his little brother. "I'm sure she'd love some company now and then."</p><p>Gaara felt himself grow hot with rage at even the suggestion of Kankuro taking advantage.</p><p>"Get out." He snapped, and Kankuro backed out with both hands up in surrender.</p>
<hr/><p>Sakura woke the next day a little past noon. By then the sun had already flooded her room and was quickly baking her legs. She lay in her childhood bed, sticky with sweat, staring up at the ceiling. Posters of famous glamour models and bisected images of the human body - torn from old issues of Discover - stared back at her. The dichotomy was always strong – her fascination by the science and physiology – yet wanting to belong as a woman in outside that clinical space. Sexy, curvy, popular.</p><p>30 years and she still hadn't gotten that one down.</p><p>Outside, the noise of cartoons carried in from the living room and told her Sarada had probably been up for some time. Sakura turned over on her side and dug her phone out from under the pillow.</p><p>As soon as she turned it on, notifications flooded the screen – slow at first, but then in quick succession. 18 missed calls. 6 voicemails. 49 texts. One name.</p><p>
  <em>Sasuke Uchiha.</em>
</p><p>Sakura stared at the image she'd saved of him in her phone. It was one of the rare photos she'd snagged of him smiling. She remembered the moment perfectly – a warm spring day in Hokkaido, one of the few he spent at home with them, even after Sarada was born. He'd just watched the little Uchiha take her first steps, and Sakura was so shocked she'd nearly dropped the camera.</p><p>They’d made love that evening – <em>the normal way for once</em> – and he’d made her promise to give him three more. Sakura remembered feeling giddy then. Happy drunk, the way it felt to lie out in the sun all day and drink too much plum wine.</p><p>Like she would give him absolutely anything if he’d only smile that way for her, too.</p><p>Sakura tapped on the first voicemail and let it play.</p><p>"<em>I’m disappointed in you, Sakura.” </em>Sasuke’s voice was smooth and even, not betraying an ounce of rage. <em>“If you were struggling again, you should have come to me. You can’t just decide to take our little girl in the middle of a breakdown. You need to come home. We need to get you help--</em></p><p>The door swung open without warning and Sakura deleted the message as soon as Sarada popped her head in. "Mom, you’re up!”</p><p>“I am!” Sakura kicked off the sheets and Sarada bounded headfirst into her arms. They fell back together into a tangle of arms and legs on the bed.</p><p>“Grandma sent me in to wake you. You can’t sleep forever, you know,” she said.</p><p>“Oh, is that so?” Sakura tickled her tummy and Sarada bit her lips together to keep from bursting into a fit of laugher. She was a lot like Sasuke in some ways – hard to get a smile out of, but when you did, it was always beautiful.</p><p>“She said she invited your some of your old friends to come over.” Sarada grinned.  “You never had any friends in Hokkaido. It’s really cool—</p><p>Sakura shot straight up in bed. “Wait, grandma did <em>what?</em>”                           </p><p>On cue, Mebuki peeked her head around the corner. “Ah, finally. Good work, Sarada!”</p><p>She gave a thumbs up to the little girl, who saluted in return before shuffling back out into the living room.</p><p>"You’re such a shit stirrer,” Sakura pouted and pulled the sheets back up over her head. Encased in stifling darkness, she hoped her mother would get the hint, but the space on the bed next to Sakura's foot sank down, and she knew she’d taken a seat.</p><p>"You think you can come back and just avoid everyone?” Mebuki gave one of Sakura's toes a wiggle. "You need to face these things head on.”</p><p>Sakura sank down deeper under the covers. That was easy for her to say. It would be useless to get into retelling what happened at Gaara’s apartment; no matter what, her mother always had a habit of thinking she knew better. Socialising while piss drunk was one thing, but there was no telling how they’d all react towards her in the sober light of day.</p><p>"Who did you invite?" Sakura sighed.</p><p>Mebuki ripped the sheets back from Sakura's face. "Just the girls – Ino, Hinata, Tenten. I thought maybe no kids would be better until—”</p><p>“Kids?” Sakura’s heart stuck in her throat. “Fuck…. <em>what</em>? They have…”</p><p>“A lot’s changed, Sakura.” Mebuki tried to stroke her hair, but Sakura moved just out of reach.  </p><p>She wrapped the comforter around her body more tightly. "Do you even get how humiliating this all is? Mom, I’m fucking 30. No money, no job, no husband…a total failure.”</p><p>"Oh don’t say that. You know I could never be disappointed in you.”</p><p>Though Mebuki tried to be soothing, Sakura knew the score. She was supposed to be the first one in the family to get a college degree. The first bigshot doctor. The first to make something out of nothing.    </p><p>“I know it hurts, but you can't just wallow in this, Sakura. You have a daughter of your own to think about now. A mother has to be there for her children no matter what."</p><p>"Oh yeah, like you were?" Sakura muttered.  </p><p>The response was instinctual, but as soon as the words passed her lips, she regretted them. They didn’t talk much about life after her father. For Sakura, it was mostly a blur – years of dinners eaten alone and raising herself while her mother cycled on and off various antidepressants. She almost hadn’t gone to college out of fear she might break.</p><p>Mebuki was silent a while. Then, sighed. "What do you want me to say?”</p><p>Sakura thought of the voicemails on her phone from Sasuke and the shelf in the bathroom cabinet at their Hokkaido home, lined with a plethora of her own prescriptions.</p><p>What <em>did</em> she want her to say?</p><p>It would have been completely hypocritical to start a fight over appropriate grieving methods. And while on such shaky ground with her Tokyo “friends,” the last thing she needed was to make her mother an enemy.</p><p>“Nothing.” Sakura shrugged. “You’re healthy again. That’s all that matters.”</p><p>“Your friends coming around helped.”</p><p>“My friends?” Sakura toyed with her cell phone beneath the sheets, scrolling through a series of text messages from Sasuke. They all seemed like benign requests to have her back, but then again, he’d never been stupid enough to put his real thoughts in writing.</p><p>“They always asked about you after you left,” Mebuki smiled. “I didn’t have much to tell them, but…I think they understood. They felt a lot of guilt. Ino, Naruto, the shy redheaded one….”</p><p>“Redheaded one?” Sakura bolted upright on the bed, nearly causing her mother to topple off.</p><p>“Ah, yeah.” Her mother shrugged. “I didn’t remember him from your grade school class. Someone you met in college, maybe?”</p><p>“<em>Redhead.</em> You’re <em>sure</em>?” Sakura spluttered. The thought of Gaara showing up at her childhood home was both endearing and mortifying.  </p><p>“Yeah. Tall, green eyes… Kind of…” Mebuki made a gesture with her hand that Sakura couldn’t quite figure out. “He was one of the first to come by after you told me you were in Hokkaido, actually. His name was Gaiden, maybe? Gizeki?”</p><p>“<em>Gaara</em>.” Sakura hugged a pillow to her chest. “It must have been Gaara.”</p><p>“Ah, yeah. Gaara. Odd guy, that one.” Mebuki smirked. “He’d always turn up alone and never come inside.  Kind of acted like he had a stick up his ass, really… but I think he was afraid of me.”</p><p>Sakura smiled a little to herself.  She could see the interaction clearly in her head – Gaara awkwardly trying to be polite around her boisterous mother. Rubbing his earlobe, maybe, the way he did when he was trying to hide his embarrassment.  </p><p>“What did…” Sakura toyed with the frizzy ends of her hair. “What did he want?”</p><p>“He asked for your address. Said he wanted to get in touch, but you know I didn’t have anything to give. He came over a few more times though. Even fixed the back garden up…”</p><p>“He did that?” Sakura’s heart began to race. “Papa’s garden?”</p><p>She covered Sakura’s hand with hers and was pleased when she didn’t pull away.  </p><p>“Does he still come by?” Sakura asked. Her cheeks were warm with blush, but she only hoped her mother didn’t notice.  </p><p>“Oh no. All the others came around from time to time over the years but not him. Well… not after I told him about you and the baby.”</p><p>“You told him?” Sakura furrowed her brow. <em>Why hadn’t he mentioned visiting her mother? Or knowing anything? </em></p><p>“I know you said you wanted to keep it a secret but… I don’t know. There was something about him coming around… I just said that you’d gotten married and started over somewhere else.” Mebuki gave Sakura a curious glance. “Were you two close friends?”</p><p>“Sort of,” Sakura mumbled, but turned to face the window and offered nothing else. Her mother could be as bad as Ino when it came to rooting out gossip, and the last thing she needed was to try to explain the complexity of her relationship with Gaara to the woman who used to change her diapers. Sakura was glad when she abruptly changed the subject.</p><p>"Tsunade used to come around asking about you too, you know. You should see if she has any work at the hospital."</p><p>Sakura felt a stinging sense of shame thinking about her old mentor. After years of study she'd taken off at the end of her apprenticeship at the hospital without warning, and now she was supposed to beg her for a job ten years later?</p><p>"I couldn't." She shook her head. "I mean…there's literally no way."</p><p>"There’s always a way," Mebuki countered. “If you’re going to stay in Tokyo you can’t just lie around in bed all day. Not when you have so many people willing to help you."</p><p>Sakura let out a weak groan.</p><p>"Speaking of… <em>Girls! She’s up!”</em> Mebuki shouted over her shoulder, and Sakura shot straight up in bed.</p><p>“Girls? Wh--</p><p>Before Sakura could even make a move to straighten up her hair, a trio of familiar faces filtered in through the doorway.</p><p>Ino led the pack, looking smug.</p><p>"Well, well, well. Sober now, are we?"</p><p>"Ino…" Sakura fought the urge to crawl back under the covers at the sight of the look of pity on the faces of Hinata and Tenten behind her. "Guys you really didn't have to…"</p><p>"Can it." Ino jumped in. "It's bad enough you cut us out for ten fucking years. We're here to help you with your exit strategy. Since I'm damn sure you've done fuck all thinking about it."</p><p>"Exit strategy?" Sakura scoffed. "Look – I know I was a bit dramatic at Gaara's…"</p><p>"—an <em>understatement</em>," Ino muttered over her shoulder to the other two.</p><p>"Ino, I'm not even sure I'm really leaving. There’re still other things we could try. Therapy, mediation…."</p><p>Ino gave Mebuki a shocked look, but she put up her hands and backed out of the room.</p><p>"But Sakura-chan… at the party you made it sound so certain." Hinata took a careful seat on the foot of the bed. "Has something changed?"</p><p>"It's complicated." Sakura spoke with her eyes glued to the fuzzy pink carpet on her floor. “It’s been a rough year for us both.”</p><p>“Oh please.” Ino frowned. "Look, if I know Sasuke, the reason you're here in the first place is because he can't keep his dick to himself. Right?"</p><p>Sakura felt her cheeks growing hot.  </p><p>"It’s not about any of that. The bank is expanding internationally and he’s under a ton of pressure. I could have done more to—</p><p>"For God's sake - how long are you going to let him make you look like an idiot?" Ino grabbed Sakura by the chin, forcing her to make eye contact. “Your relationship has always been a joke!”</p><p>"Marriage is a partnership!" Sakura snapped. "But I wouldn't expect you to understand a fucking thing about that! You’ve always been jealous that I was the one who —</p><p>Before Sakura could even finish the statement, the words were slapped out of her mouth. Hinata gasped as the sharp sound filled the room, and Sakura's head cocked to the side. Tenten was quick to grab Ino's wrist before she could wind up to deliver another blow.</p><p>"Don't fucking tell me I don't understand marriage! I understand marriage. And partnership. And trust. And friendship!" Ino's hand trembled as she spoke, and Sakura, still shocked, look up at the shimmering diamond band around her finger.</p><p>"<em>Jealous</em>?" Ino continued, shaking with rage. "I should thank God every day that you were the one he chose. But I'm not that terrible, Sakura. Even I know you deserve better."</p><p>"Why did you go, Sakura-chan?” Hinata cuddled her around the shoulders, shielding her from another potential outburst. “Why didn’t you let anyone know where you were?”</p><p><em>‘I just wanted to disappear,’ </em>Sakura wanted to say, but the words sounded too depressing to say out loud.</p><p>“Getting pregnant like that was embarrassing. I didn’t even let my mom know until I was in Hokkaido,” Sakura admitted. “I made her promise not to tell. About the marriage, about Sarada, about any of it. Sasuke said the less people knew, the better.”</p><p>“<em>Sasuke said</em>,” Tenten scoffed. “Of course.”</p><p>“We tried to send letters, but they were all returned.” Hinata sounded tearful.</p><p>“He made us move around a lot. After my mom pissed him off, he said I couldn’t give out the new address.” Sakura felt pathetic explaining. She was an adult – how could she let someone else tell her who she could call or where she could live?</p><p>A look of realisation flashed across the other women’s faces and Ino hissed a curse.  </p><p>“I’m sure that fucking psychopath was probably screening everything.”</p><p>“You have to understand his perspective.” Sakura’s defence was automatic. “He was only doing what he thought was best. He had to fight for everything. And suddenly he had all of this responsibility coming to him at 21 – the inheritance, the bank… It would have looked so shit to turn up with a kid. He thought we could get married in Hokkaido and wait it out a bit. <em>Then </em>come back."</p><p>"But you never came back,” Hinata said.  </p><p>Sakura dug her nails into the inside of her palms. She could remember the exact moment Sasuke told her there was no going back to Tokyo, and her new home would be in Hokkaido. It was the moment she realized her dreams no longer mattered. "Plans changed," she whispered.</p><p>"<em>His</em> plans changed, you mean," Ino corrected. "Come on, Sakura. You never wanted to be a stay at home mom. Or live in the fucking country. You had plans too."</p><p>“There’s nothing I can say to make it better,” Sakura whispered. “I just want a do-over.”</p><p>“Us too.” Ino gave her hair an aggressive ruffle. “We just want to be here for you, you moron.”</p><p>Sakura’s eyes welled with tears, and Tenten squeezed both of her shoulders with a grin.</p><p>"Alright, alright… let’s not waste time being all tearful when what we all really want to know is the story between you and Gaara.”</p><p>"What? There's no story!” Sakura fired back, just a little too loudly.</p><p>Ino scoffed and wiped at her eyes. "Well judging by how flirty you were with him last night I'm gonna say that's a fucking lie."</p><p>"And it's not what I've heard from Naruto-kun…" Hinata inserted gently, but upon seeing Sakura's dark look, rethought her approach. "I mean…he said you two became quite close in college."</p><p>"We all had close male friends in college. It doesn't mean anything was going on." As she deflected, Sakura found herself wringing her bedsheets with both hands.</p><p>"Yeah <em>friends</em>, not fuckbuddies." Ino gave her a gentle nudge in the ribs. "Come on already, spill. You’ve been gone ten years, the least you could do is let us know how big his dick is."</p><p>"Inoooo!" Sakura could feel her face going full tomato red.</p><p>"<em>Inoooo,</em> what?" She teased. "Did you fuck him or not? We won't judge. He’s kind of cute, in a boring, hyper-capitalist kinda way."</p><p>Behind her, Tenten snorted with laughter.</p><p>"It wasn’t like that,” Sakura insisted. “You know how it was with Sasuke. He was always stressed out, so I stayed over at Naruto's apartment a lot. They were roommates. Naturally, we started talking."</p><p>"So <em>naturally,</em> you started fucking. Is that what you're saying?" Tenten giggled. "Listen, I wouldn't blame you. I mean he's always had a certain weird…<em>pull</em>. And you're into those dark, brooding types, aren't you?"</p><p>Sakura resented the callout, but of course they weren’t wrong. Sakura’s type had always been a little… <em>damaged.</em>  </p><p>“He’s not all dark, is he Sakura-chan?’ Hinata gave an encouraging smile. “Naruto’s always been good friends with Gaara-kun. He’s sweet, isn’t he?”</p><p>“I…” she turned her face away. “Naruto would know better than me.”</p><p>“Stop being so cryptic.” Ino flicked her in the centre of the forehead. “It’s been 10 years and you’re finally ditching the dead weight. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of flirtation.”</p><p>“Or fucking,” Tenten added, and Sakura watched Hinata fight to restrain a smile.</p><p>“Gaara is really just… I mean we’ve <em>never</em>…” Sakura struggled. “It’s just really never been a good fit…”</p><p>She trailed off, not trusting herself to say any more.</p><p>"Fine. Enough. So what's the plan?" Ino challenged.  "What's next now that you're back?"</p><p>"My mom seems to think I should get a job and start over here."</p><p>"That sounds like good advice," Hinata said, cheerful. "I'm sure you could get something again at the local hospital."</p><p>"I don't know," Sakura sighed. "I never finished my apprenticeship and there's no way Tsunade's going to want to take me back after so long—</p><p>“Sakura, stop sabotaging yourself.” Ino interrupted. “The best thing you could do for yourself and for Sarada was to come here. I know you’ll work it all out.”</p><p>Sakura shifted on the bed so that her feet touched the floor. "Right. You're right."</p><p>"Of course, I'm right." Ino gave her a playful smile. "I'm <em>always right.</em>"</p><p>"It really is good you're here," Hinata said gently, in attempt to soften the blow. "The best thing in hard times is to surround yourself with friends. I know Boruto would love to have another little friend to play with. And Himawari once she gets older."</p><p>"My little Inojin too!" Ino chimed in. "He needs more friends with filters…."</p><p>"I'm sure Sarada would love that." Sakura nodded.</p><p>"And we can go out and do something girly. Just the three of us," Tenten added. "Like old times."</p><p>"Sure." Sakura nodded, trying hard not to burst into tears again. "Of course."</p><p>They all leaned in for a group hug and when they pulled back, Sakura felt a longing she hadn't experienced in years. She'd gotten so used to solitude and Sarada being her only friend.</p><p>Ino and Tenten headed to the door with a wave, but Hinata was the last to let go.</p><p>“I know you have a lot to worry about with Sarada and the divorce, but... I think you’re wrong about Gaara-kun,” she said, gently tucking a strand of Sakura’s hair behind her ears. “I think it’s a better fit than you realise.”</p>
<hr/><p><strong>AN</strong>: Life is ROUGH for these two. Lots ups and downs here, but next chapter we see Gaara and Sakura meet up again. ;-)</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Double Vodka Cranberry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy humpday! Hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and thanks again to those who've reviewed. A bit more misery here, but also a bit more Gaara/Sakura. lol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Becoming a doctor was never Sakura’s dream.</p><p>When she was a child, her head spun with all sorts of exciting career choices, but physician wasn’t one of them. Ninja was alluring at age 5, then professional artist at 7, but around age 8 was when her parents started pushing the idea. Little stethoscope toys for her birthday, biology camp in the summer, and eventually special cram schools to get her ahead of her peers in middle school.</p><p>Her father was the one with the real passion for medicine, and Sakura was the one to ruin it when her mother got pregnant at 16. They needed quick, stable income, and he’d only just started exams. The smartest thing for Kizashi to do, of course, was to give it all up. And after he died, the most<em> honourable</em> thing for Sakura was to pick up where he left off.</p><p>While other kids in high school were goofing off and still figuring out their plans, Sakura was enrolled on a four-year pre-clinical program. But instead of being celebrated, she would often come home from cram school to see her mother hadn’t eaten, choosing instead to drink herself to sleep. Evenings became a ritual of cleaning, studying, and fixing herself microwave meals.</p><p>University should have felt like a relief - an escape from stress induced stomach-aches and the misery of home – but while her friends picked subjects like literature and general sciences to stall their debuts into adulthood, Sakura was thrust into real clinical training. She was lucky if she had time to spend with Ino and the girls for lunch, let alone at campus parties. And if she wasn’t working with Tsunade at the university hospital, or trying to fit in time for clubs, she was waiting for Sasuke to come home to her. Freshman year was more like a full-time job than a reprieve.  </p><p>She was in awe of people like Gaara – someone who could make it to university seemingly without any plans. She didn’t know much about him other than he worked a part time job in a tattoo parlour in Ginza, didn’t study, and didn’t seem to get much sleep. But Naruto liked him, and as manic as he was, the kid was a good judge of character.</p><p>It wasn’t until she was at her lowest that she had a chance to see it for herself. She still remembered crying in his arms and waking up to his blanket tucked under her in the morning. They didn’t talk about it at all after that, but she knew he looked at her differently. Instead of avoiding her, Gaara became the one who invited her in and ensured there was always a key left under the mat. In return, she fulfilled her promise to tutor him. As boring as it was, she began to look forward to the Sunday afternoons spent in his apartment, bickering good-naturedly as they worked their way through his math assignments.  </p><p>“So…this?” Gaara finished scribbling in his notebook and showed it to Sakura.  </p><p>She leaned over his shoulder to check the work, then blinked owlishly at him. “Oh wow, so you’re not dumb after all.”</p><p>Gaara scowled and she broke into a cheeky grin.</p><p>“No, honestly. This is great. You’re doing way better than a few weeks ago!” Sakura rolled over onto her back on the wood floor and fanned herself with a book.</p><p>She felt the heaviness of Gaara’s gaze scanning her body as she stretched, but as soon as she lifted her head, he turned back to the workbook.  </p><p>“Have you always liked this stuff?” he asked. “Science and math?”</p><p>“Kind of.” She shrugged. “My parents really pushed me to study, so I did.”</p><p>“Just like that?” Gaara raised a brow.</p><p>“Yeah, just like that.” Sakura squinted at him, feeling scrutinised. She couldn’t tell if he was judging her or genuinely interested.</p><p>“It’s so hot in here.” She turned over onto her stomach and stretched again, pushing for a change in subject. “You guys should really get a good fan.”</p><p>“My room has the balcony,” he said, nonchalant. “We can sit there if you want.”</p><p>Sakura peered at him over her shoulder. Normally she would have been sceptical about an invite like that from a guy, but from what she observed, Gaara didn’t seem like the lewd type.</p><p>“Really?” she perked up.</p><p>Gaara shrugged. “If it’ll stop you rolling around on the floor like a dog.”</p><p>Sakura shoved him in the back with the heel of her foot. <em>“Dick.”</em></p><p>She expected a trash pit like Naruto’s, but Gaara’s room was surprisingly neat. <em>Creepily</em> neat. The thing that surprised her most were the plants - succulents everywhere she looked. Naruto mentioned he had a thing for them, but this was beyond her imagination. Every free bit of space was dotted or stuffed with some bit of greenery. On a shelf above his bed she spotted the cactus she’d gifted him a few weeks before as a pseudo olive branch. It had been half-dead from the sale rack, but now was blooming brightly with a fresh ring of pink flowers around its top.</p><p>“Wow,” she whistled. “It’s like a little greenhouse in here.”</p><p>She spun on her heel to take in the rest of the plants. “How do you keep them all alive?”</p><p>“They don’t take much.” Gaara knelt on the bed to reach the cactus she’d given him and extended it for Sakura to see. “It was overwatering. A new pot and better drainage did most of the work.”</p><p>“You’re amazing.” She grinned at him and was surprised by the soft shade of pink that made its way into his cheeks.</p><p>She liked it.  </p><p>“Like I said, it wasn’t much.” He knelt on the bed again and put the plant back in its place. “You made a good choice.”</p><p>“Was that a compliment?” she teased, but Gaara ignored her and began rooting around in one of his drawers. She smirked when he pulled out a packet of cigarettes.</p><p>“You’re way too young to have such a bad addiction,” she chided. “Aren’t your parents pissed?”</p><p>“My dad’s the one who started it,” he said. “I used to steal them from him when I was a kid.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” Sakura smiled, eager to hear more. Gaara never told her anything remotely personal. But when nothing came, she followed him out onto the balcony.</p><p>“Can I try one?” she asked as he lit up.</p><p>“You?” he raised a faint red brow. “You’ll kill yourself.”</p><p>“Oh come on…” Sakura pouted and leaned in close enough to make Gaara recoil.</p><p>“Fine. Here.”  He started to tap a fresh cigarette out of the box, but she reached forward and snagged the one in his mouth.</p><p>“Light me up,” she smirked, and placed it between her lips. Reluctantly, Gaara took out his lighter and held the flame to the end of the cigarette. It caught, but there was no real smoke.  </p><p>“Why doesn’t it work?” Sakura pouted, staring at the singed end.  Gaara’s gaze, however, was back on her lips.</p><p>“Try again. You have to…suck—I mean, <em>inhale.</em>” His cheeks went pink again, and Sakura smiled.</p><p>Gaara lit the end again and watched as Sakura drew in a big breath. Almost immediately she broke into a fit of coughs.</p><p>He stifled a chuckle. “I told you so.”</p><p>Still hacking, Sakura flicked the lit cigarette at Gaara’s face, but he caught it easily. He patted her on the back to help ease the fit, and then rubbed a slow circle before letting his hand fall away completely. The gentle touch was so different from Sasuke, and she certainly hadn’t expected it from someone like him.  </p><p>“You going home for the summer to be with your dad?” Sakura asked once she’d regained her breath.</p><p>Gaara snorted. “No.”</p><p>Again, he left her hanging, and Sakura nodded to herself before staring out over railing.</p><p>“I was thinking of staying too,” she peeked at him from the corner of her eye. “So maybe we’ll see each other around?”</p><p>“I thought you lived in Ueno.” He exhaled a cloud of smoke. “That’s not far.”</p><p>“Yeah, but…I don’t know. My mom’s not… <em>well.</em>”</p><p>“Then shouldn’t you be with her?” His voice took on an irritated tone. “Or do you just plan to hang around with your boyfriend all summer?”</p><p>Sakura’s heart sank.</p><p>“If your mother is sick you should be with her,” he repeated, firm. “You never know what could happen.”</p><p>Sakura thought of her home in Ueno with the dead flower beds and the empty wine bottles everywhere and her mother dragging herself around like a zombie. He was wrong. She knew exactly what would happen if she went home.</p><p>“I...” Sakura started, but then pushed up from the floor. “You know I actually just remembered I have some errands to run.”</p><p>Gaara reached for her wrist, but then stopped himself at the last moment. When she looked back, he turned his head.</p><p>“Lock the door behind you.”</p>
<hr/><p>"Are you really sure this is okay?" Sakura stood with Sarada in Ino’s front doorway, holding onto her shoulders for dear life. She didn't really want reassurance, but instead an excuse to avoid seeing Tsunade.</p><p>"It's more than okay!" Ino reached forward and attempted to pry one of Sakura's hands free. "Like I said, Inojin needs more little playmates, and I have the day off, anyway."</p><p>Inojin stood beside his mother, staring blankly at Sarada. She couldn't believe just how much the little boy mirrored Sai, even with Ino's light hair and crystal blue eyes. <em>The men in their lives certainly had strong genes…</em></p><p>"She's your kid?" Inojin asked.</p><p>"Yes, this is my Sarada. And she’s really excited to play with you today, Inojin!" Sakura clapped her hands together with a smile that made Sarada roll her eyes.</p><p>Inojin continued to stare her down.</p><p>"She doesn't look anything like you.” He shifted his gaze back to Sakura. "Did you use a surrogate?"</p><p>"A-ah…" Sakura stammered, unsure of what to say. It was something she’d heard from the wives back in Hokkaido in ‘jest,’ but never out of the mouth of a child.</p><p>Ino flushed red.</p><p>"Mom, what's a surrogate?" Sarada frowned.</p><p>"Oh my…" Sakura ruffled Inojin's hair with a strained smile. "What a… <em>blunt</em> little boy you have."</p><p>"Believe me, I know," Ino laughed, but gave her son a warning look. "Just like his father."</p><p>"I look more like my dad," Sarada said proudly.</p><p>"I wish I looked more like papa. He says blonde hair is a curse." Inojin smirked, and then narrowly dodged a slap to the head from his mother.</p><p>"Wanna go paint?" He changed the subject abruptly, earning a wide grin from Sarada. Sakura was surprised by the way she took to him so quickly – back in Hokkaido she'd always struggled to make friends.</p><p>She looked back at her mother for approval, and Sakura, stifling a laugh, gave a nod.</p><p>Ino grinned, but then noticed Sakura still holding Sarada's backpack, and the way her fingers worked nervously at the straps.</p><p>"Hey." Ino took the bag from her hands. "Listen. It'll be okay. You spent so much time with Tsunade during university. There's no way she could turn you down, even if it’s just for some office help."</p><p>"Right. Right." Sakura took a deep breath. "I just… I keep worrying. Is it really the right thing for me to go back to work, anyway? Sarada's really sensitive—</p><p>"—Sarada’s a big girl. She’ll be just fine," Ino said sternly. "Besides, our moms worked when we were kids and we didn't turn out too horribly, did we?"</p><p>There was a pause, and they both chuckled, though Sakura felt something churn in her stomach.</p><p>"Don't answer that." Ino turned Sakura around and gave her a smack on the bottom. "Now go. Go on and let me know how it goes when you get back."</p>
<hr/><p>Though her hair was shorter now, and her face a bit more wrinkled with age, Sakura recognised Shizune as soon as she entered the hospital reception.</p><p>"No way, no way, no way!" As soon as Shizune looked up from her lunch, she nearly jumped across the table to greet Sakura. Behind her desk, a mini potbellied pig squealed happily in its bed.</p><p>"I can't believe this. Look how grown up you are!" Shizune put her hands on her hips and took a step back to admire Tsunade's former protégé.</p><p>"Oh God, don't remind me." Sakura batted her away, but her hands shook with adrenaline. "Is Tsunade in?"</p><p>"Yeah, she's just on a quick lunch break," Shizune made a drinking motion with her hand and winked. "Go ahead in, I'm sure she'd get a kick out of seeing you."</p><p>Sakura swallowed hard. Somehow, she imagined <em>she'd</em> be one getting a kick.</p><p>"Thanks." Not wanting to risk getting turned away at the knock, Sakura stepped right in.</p><p>"Well, well well..." She tapped her fingers against her chin. "Sakura Haruno. Did you con Shizune to let you in here?"</p><p>"Tsunade-sama." Sakura gave a deep bow but bristled when she heard the blonde scoff. Tsunade had never been particularly soft with her, but this was definitely different.</p><p>"Oh please. What's the use of politeness now?" Tsunade kicked out the chair on the opposite side of her desk and gestured for Sakura to sit.</p><p>"Thanks," she said. "You know I really like what you've done with the—</p><p>"Give it a rest, Sakura. I told you, don't bother with pleasantries. What do you want?"</p><p>Sakura sighed out.</p><p>"I've decided to relocate back to Tokyo for a while." Her lips twitched into a nervous smile.</p><p>"Is that so?" Tsunade pulled a glass from her drawer and placed it in front of them on the desk. Sakura knew the ritual well. Whenever she used to come into the office for a chat and Tsunade wanted to make a point, she wouldn't hesitate to pour herself a stiff drink.</p><p>"Yes well…things with my marriage are a bit strained and I thought it would be good to get away.”</p><p>"You don't say?" Tsunade didn’t look at Sakura, but instead the polish on her fingernails.</p><p>"I have a child now. A little girl." Sakura rooted around in her purse until she found her wallet, and the small class photo of Sarada tucked into a plastic fold. She extended it towards Tsunade. "Sarada."</p><p>She took it reluctantly. "That's Sasuke's kid all right," she said, before handing it back.</p><p>"She's really important to me and… I guess what I'm trying to say is…" Sakura fidgeted. "I need a job."</p><p>Tsunade chuckled to herself. "Do you know what year it is, Sakura?"</p><p>"Well, I—</p><p>"I mean, did you even end up finishing your studies? Have you been practicing?” Tsunade filled her glass with sake, watching with pleasure as Sakura's cheeks burned red.</p><p>"Well Sasuke let me finish my last rotation in Hokkaido, but never I never got around to specialisation. I don’t expect to practice – I just…any position will help. If I want to support Sarada by myself, I need money and—"</p><p>Tsunade snorted. "If money is what you need, get a divorce and then chase alimony and child support from your moneybags husband. I'm sure he can afford it."</p><p>There was a deep silence and for a moment, Tsunade looked as if she might apologize, but just shook her head.</p><p>"Sakura I'm sorry this happened to you. <em>Truly</em>. But I don't have time to waste on little girls who want to play at being doctor. Ten years ago, you were brilliant. You had potential, and you threw that away to run after some pretty boy."</p><p>"That’s not what—</p><p>“I'm sure you're a wonderful mother, Sakura.” Tsunade filled another glass with sake. “I’m glad he <em>let you</em> do that, at least.”</p><p>Sakura didn’t know what to say, so opted for nothing at all.</p><p>“Here.” Tsunade raised her cup and nudged the filled glass towards Sakura. “To you and Sarada.”</p><p>Sakura stared at the glass. Though she had the urge to down it all in one shot, the embarrassment was already too much.</p><p>"Thanks. Thanks for your time, Tsunade-sama." Sakura turned on her heel and shuffled quickly into the reception area. Shizune called out for her to wait, but Sakura knew that if she stopped, she’d break down.</p><p>The hardest part was, Tsunade wasn't wrong. She had given up everything for Sasuke. Being “smart,” had gotten her nowhere, but Sakura was convinced that if she had someone as confident and popular as Sasuke Uchiha, she would have <em>everything</em>.</p><p>In the end, it was only fair. Sasuke was the first person who saw straight through her act. The first person who noticed that things with her home life had never been quite right. Sasuke was the one who saved her, and she owed him for that in a way no one would ever understand.</p><p>Sighing, Sakura started a slow walk back to Ino's place. As she approached the summery-looking house, she caught sight of the back of a tall man holding Sarada up in the air. The silky black hair reminded her of Sasuke, and she panicked, breaking into a jog. At that moment, he turned, and Sakura recognized the familiar face.</p><p>"Sai." She breathed a sigh of relief. "It's just you."</p><p>"It's <em>just me</em>." He gave a curt smile before throwing Sarada up in the air and catching her. The sudden move nearly gave Sakura a heart attack, but Sarada was full of laughter.</p><p>"Again!" she cried.</p><p>"No, me next!" Inojin whined from beside his father's pant leg. "You’re <em>my</em> dad! She's hogging you!"</p><p>Ignoring the pouting boy, Sai placed Sarada back down on the ground and turned back to Sakura.</p><p>"Nice to see you again, ugly," he smirked and gave her arm a nudge.</p><p>"That wasn't funny back then and it's not funny now." Sakura grit her teeth through a smile. As much as she loved her best friend, she remained slightly baffled by her choice in partner. She could still remember them having fits of giggles over the humourless and borderline morbid drawings he’d leave taped to her books in university.</p><p>"Lighten up, Sakura." His smile softened, and for the first time ever since she'd met Sai, Sakura thought he seemed sincere. Fatherhood really changed people, it seemed.</p><p>'<em>Some people.'</em></p><p>"Hey mom!" Sarada bounded into her mother's arms. "It's been so much fun! Inojin’s dad has a huuuuuge art studio in the house, and his mom has flowers everywhere from work!"</p><p>"Oh really?" Sakura swung her daughter around once before settling her bare feet back on the ground. Together, they walked back to the entrance of the house, where Ino stood grinning. Sarada sat down and pulled her feet into a pair of sparkling grey sneakers.</p><p>"That's amazing, Sarada!" Sakura bent down to tie her daughter's shoes, but Sarada pulled them away.</p><p>"Stop it. I can do them by myself, you know." she said. "I'm not a baby anymore."</p><p>Sakura, shocked by the rejection, remained in her bent position for a moment before rising. When she stood, Ino was watching her carefully.</p><p>"No." Sakura hesitated, but then smiled. "No, of course not."</p><p>"It's okay, Sakura." Ino said with a gentle smile once Sarada ran back out to say goodbye. "Inojin gets like that too sometimes. We don't want them to, but they all grow up. They won't need us forever."</p><p>"Yeah, you're right," Sakura said without much enthusiasm. She could feel her eyes start to water.</p><p>"What's wrong? What happened?" Ino leaned in close.</p><p>“What do you think?” Sakura bit her bottom lip and shook her head to keep from crying again. Behind them, Sai pretended not to notice, picking up toy cars and other kiddy detritus from the yard.</p><p>"Shit. No way." Ino tried to pull her into a hug, but Sakura backed away.</p><p>"The whole thing was a dumb idea. I don't know what I was thinking," she shrugged. "I should just get Sarada home and help mom make dinner."</p><p>"Fuck that." Ino snatched her purse from the rail behind her front door. "Let's go for drinks. Right now."</p><p>"What?" Sakura looked at the blonde as if she'd grown another head.</p><p>"I’m serious. Come on, let's ditch the kids with uncle Sai and get plastered."</p><p>"Let's do what now?" Sai raised a brow at his wife, who only had to give him a warning look to command silence.</p><p>"Ino, I really don't think I should… " Sakura hesitated. She'd never spent a whole night away from Sarada before and wasn't sure she wanted to start now.</p><p>"Sakura, come on. Ever since I've known you, you've always done the right thing. Do something bad for once, <em>Jesus</em>."</p><p>Sakura looked from where Sarada and Inojin were chasing each other in the grass, back to her old friend. Ino was right. She’d spent most of her youth being an overdisciplined goody-two-shoes. What good had that done her?</p><p>“Fine. But just for a little bit.”</p><p>"Perfect! I'll call everyone out. We'll make it a girl's night and Sarada will stay over."</p><p>"Girl’s night? Ino I said just for…” Sakura started, but before she knew it, she was being dragged downtown.</p><p>Although Sakura didn’t mind adding Tenten and Hinata to the mix, there was something about seeing Temari walking up that made her feel uneasy. After her embarrassing show at Gaara’s welcome home party, Sakura didn’t know how to act. Everything about her seemed so sharply put together – from her attitude to her hair to her crocodile skin Jimmy Choos.</p><p>“Temari.” Sakura stuck out her hand for a shake, but the older blonde slapped it away. </p><p>“Get out of here with that.” She smirked and wrapped both arms around Sakura’s shoulders. “Let’s get wasted.”</p><p>“Nothing tonight for me,” Hinata interjected with a gentle smile. “Still breastfeeding…”</p><p>"I’ll drink double for you, Hina. My day was hell. Fucking <em>art clients</em>." Temari rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Where should we go?” Tenten grinned.</p><p>Ino opened her mouth to respond, but Temari was quick to jump back in.</p><p>“We should all go to Suri-ya. Half priced cocktails on Tuesday.”</p><p>Usually, she would press for a rowdier venue – maybe even a club – but as Shikamaru constantly reminded her, her meddling truly knew no bounds.</p><p>Temari knew Gaara made a habit of visiting the bar on Tuesday evenings to catch up with Naruto after a game of squash., and it was the perfect opportunity for her to stir shit. Normally the thought of what either of her brothers got up to after dark made her want to hurl, but there was something about the tension between Sakura and Gaara at the welcome home party that sparked her interest.</p><p>"Suri-ya it is!" Ino cheered.</p><p>As soon as they arrived, Temari was quick to order a round of vodka cranberries for the table. Sakura felt strangely out of place in a bar – she couldn't remember the last time she'd been out for dinner or drinking at a place that didn't have a kids' menu.</p><p>"Stop babying that cocktail." Ino elbowed her in the booth. “It’s one night and you deserve this.”</p><p>Sakura sighed and finally caved in, taking a long drink from her glass. The vodka burned her throat but was a pleasurable reminder of what she’d missed about single life.</p><p>“Thatta girl,” Tenten gave her a wink. “Feel better now?”</p><p>“Ask me after a few more of these,” Sakura chuckled and looked around the table at her friends.</p><p>As usual, Ino was the antagonist and Tenten and Hinata tried in their own ways to even things out. However, the one woman she was curious about was Temari. Gaara never spoke with her much about his siblings while in college – it always seemed as though there was bad blood there. But somehow at the party, things seemed so relaxed with them all. Temari chatted with Tenten, Ino and Hinata as if they were old friends.</p><p>And there she was, just trying to slot back in.</p><p>Suddenly, Sakura could see their lips moving and hear the dull thudding of music in the background but couldn’t process anything. When she reached for her drink again it was empty, and the warmth in her tummy became an ache.</p><p>“Excuse me.” She stood up from the table abruptly. “I have to…I have to use the bathroom.”</p><p>As Sakura stumbled towards the back of the bar it was like the whole room was closing in on her, squeezing the air out of her lungs. It wasn’t until she was behind closed doors that she could breathe again.</p><p>“Calm down,” she pleaded to her sweaty reflection. It had been ages since she’d had a panic attack, but just like Sasuke, her Xanax safety net was back in Hokkaido.</p><p>“You alright?” Temari gave Sakura a careful once-over.</p><p>“Yeah, I just…it’s a bit overwhelming.” Sakura gave a breathless chuckle and reached for the taps.</p><p>“Ten years, right?”</p><p>“Right.” Sakura splashed a bit of cool water on her face and then let it drip back down into the sink.</p><p>“Are you bothered that I’m here?” Temari asked.</p><p>“Of course not.” Sakura blotted at her face with paper towels. “I just…the last time we saw each other wasn’t exactly flattering for me.”</p><p>“Oh, you’ve got to let that go, kid.” Temari opened her purse. Sakura watched as she pulled out a tube of mascara and began to fan the wand against her lashes. “We all get a bit off our faces sometimes.”</p><p>“And speaking of faces…come here.” Temari ordered, but when Sakura didn’t move, she took the younger woman’s chin in one hand.</p><p>With her free hand she pulled a tube of lipstick from her purse and gently traced Sakura’s lips with the deep red colour. Mouth slightly agape, Sakura could only stare as Temari touched up the edges of her work with a moist paper towel. Standing so close, the bright and crystalline green of her eyes reminded her of Gaara.</p><p>“Red looks good on you.” She winked and tucked the lipstick away. “And your hair…” she ran her fingers over Sakura’s split ends and then gathered it high into a pony with one hand. “It’s much better up. You have great shoulders.”</p><p>Though flustered, Sakura didn’t dare move when Temari secured it into place with a hairband. For a finishing touch, she wet her fingers under the tap and smoothed down the frizzy flyaways at her temples.</p><p>“Cute.” Temari stepped back with a grin.</p><p>Sakura looked back in the mirror. With her hair out of her face and her lips a deep red, she almost didn’t recognise herself.</p><p>“You know, I don’t know much about how Gaara managed in university. Our family was fucked up back then, to say the least.” Temari flipped her purse closed. “But from the sounds of it, you were important to him.”</p><p>“I don’t know about that.” Sakura tried to protest, but Temari rolled her eyes.</p><p>“Whatever. What I’m trying to say is… any friend of my little brother is a friend of mine.”</p><p>Sakura breathed out a little easier. “Thank you Temari.”</p><p>“Don’t thank me yet.” She gave Sakura’s arm a playful slap. “You’ve got the next round.”</p><p>Ino rose out of the booth as soon as Temari and Sakura headed back over. Her playful smile turned into a wicked grin at the sight of Sakura’s mini makeover.</p><p>“Well, well, well, looks like you really <em>can</em> polish a turd.”</p><p>“Shut the fuck up, <em>pig.</em>” Sakura stuck out her tongue and reached for the shot glass in in Ino’s hand. Just as she downed the tequila, the chimes at the front of the restaurant sounded, signalling the front door had opened.</p><p>"Oh my! Well isn’t this a wonderful surprise," Temari grinned.</p><p>The girls craned their necks as Naruto and Gaara entered the curry house. The two were clad in gym gear, and Gaara was typing something furiously into a blackberry while Naruto was talking animatedly to the wait staff.</p><p>A slim brunette pointed them to a table behind them, and across the bar, Sakura’s eyes met Gaara’s.</p><p>'<em>Right on time.' </em>Temari checked her watch with a smirk. For once, her brother's annoying devotion to punctuality had paid off for her. Beside her, Sakura dropped down low in the booth.</p><p>"I can't believe this…" She tried to cover her face with a napkin.</p><p>"What's wrong?" Temari feigned concern. Sakura reached across the table and grabbed Tenten’s still full shot glass.</p><p>“Hey!” Tenten frowned as Sakura downed the liquor.</p><p>"It’s your <em>brother</em>!”</p><p>"Yeah, great isn’t it!” Temari grinned as she waved them over.  </p><p>“Ah, amazing!” Naruto rushed to the table and leaned over Ino to press a kiss to the top of Hinata’s head. “Can we join?”</p><p>“It looks like they’re having a ladies’ evening…” Gaara reached for Naruto’s arm to pull him back, but the blond had already slid in beside his wife.  </p><p>“Don’t be stupid – the more the merrier.” Temari scooted in so that Gaara could join the table, directly across from Sakura. Hesitantly, he took a seat.</p><p>“Ugh. Why are you two so sweaty?” Ino frowned and waved her hand towards a server.  </p><p>“Tuesdays are squash days. Gaara beat me at every set!” Naruto balked and took a handful of edamame from the appetisers on the table. “He was like a fucking monster!”</p><p>“Is that so?” Ino raised a brow towards Gaara, but the redhead’s gaze was focused elsewhere.</p><p>“I think it’s pent up sexual frustration.” Naruto snorted through a mouthful of snacks and Temari made a loud gagging noise.</p><p>“Naruto!” Hinata chided.</p><p>When Sakura looked up, Gaara was staring straight at her, seemingly deaf to the comments. Though he looked away when their eyes met, it was too late. A hot feeling had already made its way into the pit of her stomach. His eyes, the same seafoam green as Temari’s, had been sharply focused on her face. <em>Was it the lipstick? </em>she wondered. <em>Was it too over the top?</em></p><p>“I’m going to go grab another drink.” She stood and shuffled to the bar. The music was louder there, but she felt strangely safe sandwiched in between two businessmen and their younger dates.</p><p>“What can I get you?” The bartender waved a hand in her face.</p><p>“Ah - double vodka cranberry!” Sakura had to shout above the noise.</p><p>“And a vodka soda. Single.” A familiar voice sounded out over her shoulder. The bartender nodded, but Sakura kept her gaze trained on the countertop. She could see her slightly sweaty reflection in it, as well as a shock of red hair over her shoulder.</p><p>Once the drinks came, a large hand extended over her head with a shiny black credit card. Sakura whipped around to face him with a frown.</p><p>“I can pay for my own…” Her voice was muffled into the front of Gaara’s shirt. He was unbearably close – so much so that she could smell the woodsy scent of his cologne mixed with sweat.</p><p>“You what?” Gaara leaned down, seemingly oblivious to her discomfort.</p><p>“I said I can pay for…” Sakura tried again but stopped when Gaara shifted closer, his body trapping her against the bar. She quickly acquiesced and raised her glass in cheers. Sakura barely waited for him to finish tapping his glass against hers before sucking hard on the little black straw. Half the cocktail disappeared in seconds.  </p><p>Gaara’s lips quirked into a slight smile and he said something, but Sakura couldn’t hear it. As if reading her mind, he leaned down and lowered his mouth to her ear.</p><p>“It’s too noisy here,” he said. “Outside?” Sakura swallowed another gulp of her drink and nodded dumbly when Gaara gestured to the front door.</p><p>Once they made their way out, Sakura was thankful for the cool of the evening air and the chance to put some distance between them.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’d be here.” Gaara put his glass down on the sill of the building and pulled a small box from his shorts’ pocket. “I know the owner. Naruto and I always come—</p><p>“It’s fine. It’s a free country.” Sakura cut him short. She took another sip of her drink and was happy for the buzz that was finally fuzzing the edges of her brain.  </p><p>They were silent together for what felt like ages until Gaara pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. Although Temari had chewed him out for it at the party, the familiar tick made Sakura smile.</p><p>“I thought you’d have given that up by now.”</p><p>Gaara held his gaze on Sakura’s smile for a moment before smirking.</p><p>“You never give a good thing up.” He lit the cigarette and turned away from Sakura as he exhaled, letting the smoke float over his shoulder.</p><p>“Even when it’s bad for you?” she laughed.</p><p>“<em>Especially</em> when it’s bad for you.”</p><p>Gaara chuckled and Sakura felt the tension in her body relax. In that moment, it was hard to remember why she’d ever been angry at him.</p><p>“You’re never going to settle down if you keep that up, you know,” she teased. “Women hate smoking.”</p><p>Gaara seemed surprised by the remark, but then shrugged. “I’m hardly built for that kind of thing.”</p><p>There was a look in his eyes that was strangely dark, and she couldn’t hold his gaze for much longer. Though she’d never been able to put her finger on what kind of woman was Gaara’s type, she didn’t like the thought of him being alone.</p><p>‘<em>Not that it’s any of your business,’</em> something in her scolded.</p><p>“How’ve you and Sarada been?” he asked when, once again, the silence became too much.</p><p>Sakura finished the last of her drink one swallow. The bartender had poured heavily, and it didn’t go down nearly as smooth as the first two.</p><p>“Great. Totally great.” She nodded.</p><p>Gaara took another drag on his cigarette. “Sakura, you’ve always been a terrible liar.”</p><p>She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling. Joking jabs were natural between them in university, but after Tsunade, she wasn’t sure she was in the mood.</p><p>“I need to get a job if I’m going to stay here with Sarada long term.” Sakura fidgeted. “I went back to Tsunade to ask for some work and she pretty much laughed in my face.”</p><p>“But it’s not like I can blame her,” she said, quick to pre-empt any sympathetic response. “Things change. I’ve changed.”</p><p>“I’ve never known you to give up on things so easily.”</p><p>Though she was too nervous to look at him, Sakura could practically hear the frown in Gaara’s voice.</p><p>“Yeah, well… you haven’t known me for a while.” Sakura plucked the black straw out of her empty glass and tossed it onto the cobbled street.</p><p>“You’re right,” Gaara conceded. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Sakura nearly dropped her glass. She hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Sasuke never apologised for anything, and she’d grown used to accepting that in some way, everything was always her fault. After her day, there was something about the simple apology that made Sakura feel like crying.</p><p>Even more so when Gaara reached for her shoulder but stopped himself halfway. What was it with him? Why was he so hesitant with her?</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me you used to visit my mom?” she pushed. “I mean, why did you even fucking go there in the first place?”</p><p>Gaara rubbed a hand across his face and then into his hair. It was clear to Sakura that he hadn’t expected the confrontation, but she was a little too drunk to care.</p><p>“I don’t know…” he exhaled and waved a cloud of smoke from her face. “Curiosity, maybe? Guilt? I wanted to know about you…. Your <em>life</em>, I mean.”</p><p>“You could have just asked me.” She frowned. “I mean…back in school. I would have told you about...”</p><p>“I should have done a lot of things differently back then,” Gaara said. “I think about that a lot, Sakura.”</p><p>Sakura was drawn to this fingers and the way they toyed with the remains of his cigarette. Though he sounded confident, that small, fidgeting action was the true tell. She found it precious – tough old Gaara like a little schoolchild, suddenly unsure of what to do with his hands.</p><p>The stub was burning down to its end, but before he could toss it on the ground, Sakura plucked it from his fingers and placed it between her lips.</p><p>Sober, Sakura wouldn’t have dared, but high on a mix of vodka cranberries and tequila, she felt bold. She didn’t like Gaara feeling sorry for her. Her whole life was <em>sorry</em>. What she wanted was control. There was something electric about the energy they’d shared together at his apartment during the party and in the morning in his indoor garden. There had always been a <em>something </em>between them, and she wanted it back.</p><p>“You’re saying you think about me, then?” she smirked.</p><p>Sakura puckered her lips around the cigarette and took a slow drag. She blew a perfect ring out over his head and then dropped the stub before it could burn her fingertips. Gaara stared at her parted lips.</p><p>“You’ve gotten better at that,” he remarked absently.</p><p>“Yes, well… Lucky for me, I don’t think I’ll ever settle down again.”</p><p>“Don’t say that.”  </p><p>“<em>What</em>?” Sakura laughed.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be without someone,” Gaara insisted, but then frowned, as if rethinking his approach. “I just don’t like to think about you alone.”</p><p>“There it is again,” Sakura grinned at him. “You really think about me a lot, don’t you?”</p><p>She reached past Gaara to grab his drink from the sill. “And here I thought I was the one with the hopeless crush.”</p><p>He lifted the glass from her hand before she could take a sip. “You shouldn’t have any more. You’ll get—</p><p>“Why did you shut the door on me back then?” she blurted.</p><p>Gaara’s posture stiffened and Sakura’s cheeks glowed red. It wasn’t at all how she had planned to broach the subject with him – if at all – but several drinks deep, she’d lost all sense of modesty.</p><p>Sakura took hold of the edge of his shirt with both hands. Her face was crumpling in a little, the way it always did when she was overwhelmed, but this time she refused to let herself cry.</p><p>“Jesus Sakura…” Gaara pulled her in gently, just enough to feel her tummy pressed lightly to his, and to trace his fingertips up and down her bare arms.</p><p>“Do you know how terrifying you are?” he asked. Sakura felt his body tense again when she let out a soft sigh. His hands slid down her forearms and then cautiously, to her waist. </p><p>“I’m not the person you think I am,” Gaara said, the pads of his fingertips just barely skimming her sides. "I'm not <em>good.</em>"</p><p>Sakura could tell he was holding himself back, as usual, and it made her want to scream.</p><p>“I don’t care.” She pulled in closer. “Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere. Do whatever you want to me.”</p><p>“Sakura—</p><p>“Gaara?” A sultry voice came around the corner, cutting Gaara’s reaction short. Almost immediately, he put Sakura at arm’s length.  </p><p>“Ah, I thought that was you, darling.” The voice came closer, and Sakura couldn’t help but stare. “What luck.”</p><p>Sakura deflated. It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over her head. The playful smile on her lips dropped away and she felt herself sobering quickly.</p><p>
  <em>‘Darling?’</em>
</p><p>Sakura couldn’t deny she was gorgeous – everything about her slim, suit-clad form and long, dark hair oozed sophisticated sex appeal. And apparently, she was Gaara’s. So that was it, she thought. That was his type.</p><p>“Oh hun, you’re smoking again?” The woman plucked the packet of cigarettes from Gaara’s shirt pocket. “You know I can’t stand that smell…”</p><p>Gaara looked to Sakura, as if to explain, but she wouldn’t meet his gaze.</p><p>“Shijima—</p><p>Shijima kissed the corner of Gaara’s mouth. “Who’s your little friend?” She gestured to Sakura with a warm smile. In the light, for some reason Sakura found her oddly familiar.</p><p>“This is—</p><p>“I’m no one.” Sakura waved Gaara off before he could answer. “I was just getting out of here, actually.”</p><p>“Don’t leave.” Gaara manoeuvred away from Shijima’s touch. “Shijima is—</p><p>“I should get back to the girls.” Sakura bit her lip, smearing red lipstick across her teeth. “Or home. I should go home.”</p><p>“Let me take you.” Gaara reached for her hand, but Sakura made a wobbly dodge out of reach.</p><p>“No that’s fine. I don’t want to hold you two up.” She extinguished the rest of Gaara’s cigarette in her cup and placed it on the sill.</p><p>“Sakura it’s late. I should really walk with you - to the station at least.” Gaara reached out again, but Shijima took a firm hold of his arm.</p><p>“She said it’s fine, darling.” She smiled at Sakura, but there was a harsh curiosity to her gaze. “Let her go.”</p><p>“I’ll be fine. I’ll send a text or something” Sakura waved lamely.</p><p>The pleasant fuzziness from the alcohol had waned and all she wanted to do was escape.  She walked fast past the couple, eyes on the cobbles, and headed for the station.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Shijima - what a cockblock!!!</p><p>Sakura not having a good day in this chapter, but I enjoyed showcasing a time when she was much lighter and playful with Gaara. She's a bit of a sad sack at the moment, but not for too long. I think loving someone who's not good for us is really relatable, and how sometimes we become conditioned to make excuses or rewrite history because we think we owe them in some way. And not just with romantic love, either, as we can see with Sakura &amp; Mebuki!</p><p>Also Learned a lot about the Japanese medical school process writing this (and probably still fucked up because there’s only so many resources available in English)! In the US I’ve always understood the process as getting a 4-year undergrad in a relevant subject, then going on to apply to med school and doing four more years. In japan, apparently, the majority of people start studies from high school, hopefully qualify to sit a major exam and do two more years of legit clinical training afterwards. So, 6 years as opposed to 8. After that, it can be four to six more years of PhD level study (while working as a doctor at a university) for a specialty. Hardcore! </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Diet Coke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm back! Apologies for the delay - I've had a lot of changes. Started a new job recently and it's amazing yet overwhelming! I hope everyone is managing to stay safe and healthy, and most of all, hope you enjoy this upload. Double chapter because I had to split this. Woo! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shijima Hoki was perfect.</p><p>Gaara knew it the first day they met. Rasa brought her in on contract work for a project in Dubai, and every head in the office turned when she walked into the room.  He never usually paid attention to the women in his office, but everything about Shijima commanded it.</p><p>Poised, practical, <em>perfect.</em></p><p>She was beautiful and so was her resume. Top of her class at Tokyo University with an MBA from Harvard. Almost a full page of awards for her expertise in financial services and business analysis. It wasn't until he googled her that he found everything else. Pride of her hometown, Miss Hokkaido three years running.</p><p>Hokkaido.</p><p>The city name made him feel queasy.</p><p>The child in him wanted to ask if she’d ever met a Sakura Haruno, but the question never came. Instead, he quizzed her about trivial things - the temperatures,  the city, the people, and what kinds of things there were to do for a woman her age.</p><p>Shijima took it as an interest in her background and personality, but everything Gaara wanted to know was tied up in Sakura. He wanted to be able to picture her thriving somewhere beautiful, instead of the other countless other dark scenarios he would often struggle with at night.</p><p>The first time they slept together, Shijima brought him home under the guise of needing plant care tips. When he turned from inspecting the petals on a parched and dying hydrangea, she stood in the bathroom doorway, wearing something far too skimpy to call a nightgown.</p><p>He was 22 and mildly terrified. She, 27 and highly amused.</p><p>"You should take your pants off now," she'd teased.</p><p>He didn’t know what he was doing – didn’t know if he liked it, really, but Shijima was gentle and understanding in a way that put him at ease.</p><p>His first time turned into a second time and then there were too many others that followed to even remember. Gaara had always imagined that being with a woman would change him, but everything from then on felt surprisingly dull. Every week he scheduled Michelin star dinner dates in his work calendar and bought her gifts she hinted at from Tiffany's, Shiseido, or La Mer. They scheduled their sex out of practicality - to make sure they were always well prepared for important business meetings and were never showy about the relationship.</p><p>She met Kankuro and Temari a handful of times, but overall seemed rather unconcerned with family ties.</p><p>And though Gaara told himself he didn’t care, there was something wonderful about knowing his father approved. That even though Rasa wouldn’t say it outright, he was pleased to see them together. It was the clap of a hand on his shoulder at business events and the clink of a champagne glass in toast that somehow managed to erase years of abuse and neglect. For once in his life Gaara felt like he was doing something right.</p><p>Sakura Haruno was most certainly<em> not </em>perfect.</p><p>She worked too hard, gave too much, and was in a relationship that was bound to kill her. But there was something about her. The way she cared for her friends and poured every ounce of herself into her studies. The way she was kind to everyone – even the ones who deserved it the least. Even him.</p><p>Gaara let himself become consumed by the niceties and the dangerous game they played together when they were alone. She would declare her love for Sasuke to anyone who would listen, but all he knew was that when she stepped over the threshold into his apartment, something changed. There was banter and teasing, but there was also touching. Her hands on his shoulders, her feet in his lap, and he had no idea how to handle it. She seemed so desperate for any sort of contact he wondered if the Uchiha ever touched her at all.</p><p>Back then Gaara didn’t understand much about sex or flirting or women, but he knew he wanted her.</p><p>Because of her, he did things he’d never done before, like try to quit smoking and pay attention in class.  </p><p>Because of her, he’d developed a weak spot.</p><p>But though he despised how Sasuke treated her, Gaara couldn’t see himself as any better. Unlike Sasuke, he couldn’t afford to buy her anything nice to make up for a lack of affection. In the end, all he did was take from her.</p><p>Just like everyone else.</p><hr/><p>Gaara didn’t quite know what he was doing. One moment he was anxious to get as far away from Shijima as humanly possible, and the next he was in the backseat of an Uber, fondling her in a way unbecoming of anyone post-puberty. Gaara rarely expressed desire outright, but something about talking to Sakura had flipped a switch in his brain. He couldn’t get the image of her out his head – her hair pulled up and away from her face, plump red lips wrapped around his cigarette, the softness of her tummy pressed against him.  </p><p>He could still hear her voice in his head.</p><p>
  <em>‘Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Do whatever you want to me.’ </em>
</p><p>Gaara hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye to Naruto or the rest of the table before taking off.</p><p>“Just pull in here.” Shijima broke their kiss to direct the driver to a covered parking area behind her building. “Let’s go in through the back.”</p><p>She lived in a high rise like him– an even fancier place where celebrity sightings were commonplace – and took her privacy seriously. When they rode the lift to her apartment, Shijima was careful to keep poised, but Gaara felt he was bursting at the seams. He wasn’t sure if it was more lust or frustration, but as soon as they were inside, the urge to bury himself inside her was intense.</p><p>“Shower?” Shijima asked, oblivious. She switched on the lights as she moved through the massive entryway, lined with expensive foreign art and sculptures. As soon as she reached down to take off her heels, Gaara stopped her.</p><p>“No.” He guided her towards the kitchen table. “I want you like this.”</p><p>“Like this?” Shijima gestured at her plain black suit. “Darling, no.”</p><p>When Gaara didn’t respond, she touched a hand to his cheek. “It’s been a while. I could put on something—</p><p>“Not tonight.” Gaara caught her wrist in his hand and spun her in his arms so that her back was pressed flush against his chest. The way Sakura’s had been at the bar. Her body tensed, but he peppered kisses against her neck to calm her.  </p><p>They were both used to him being the more <em>pliant </em>one in their relationship when it came to sex, but for once, Gaara didn’t want that.</p><p>“Like this, then?” Shijima pulled her skirt up and braced herself against the dining table with both hands. She looked over her shoulder at him, playful.</p><p>“Just like that.” Gaara grabbed hold of her hair with one hand, tugging it high into a ponytail. Shijima’s breath hitched. Grabbing her hair like that, feeling the slightness of her body, he could almost pretend she was someone else.</p><p>“Don’t move.” He warned when she started to look over her shoulder.</p><p>Gaara pulled down his shorts just low enough for comfort and thrust inside her. Shijima grasped at the slick table-top for stability. Normally he would have taken his time with her, but this time he gave Shijima no breathing room before starting an urgent rhythm.</p><p>“Gaara!” she gasped.  </p><p>The table shook with his effort, and Shijima submitted completely. They were together for five, six minutes tops before he could feel his orgasm building. Desperate, he reached around and slipped a hand between Shijima’s thighs to hurry her along.</p><p>Suddenly he could hear her begging and feel her tightening around him.  </p><p>She’d only just finished when Gaara pulled out and stroked himself against her back.</p><p>When they’d slumped down on the floor together in exhaustion, Shijima was frowning.</p><p>“I just bought this skirt.” She sighed. Gaara watched her unzip and wriggle out of the tight, black fabric before tossing it at his feet. There was no hiding the damp, patchy stains he’d left behind.</p><p>“Send me the dry-cleaning bill,” Gaara muttered.</p><p>“What got into you, anyway? You’re not usually so...<em>like that</em>.” For once, Shijima was at a loss for words. Smiling lazily, she twisted her hair up into a bun. With her neck bare, Gaara could see the harsh red marks he’d left behind with his teeth.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Oh come on, don’t try and pretend like that was totally normal for us.” Shijima reached over and ruffled his sweat dampened hair.</p><p>As the haze of his orgasm cleared, Gaara’s sense slowly came back to him.  </p><p>“I’m really…sorry.”  He turned his head. “This was a mistake.”</p><p>“Seemed pretty intentional to me.” Shijima kicked off her heels and shoved them out of the way with her feet. “Drink?”</p><p>“I’m leaving.” Gaara tucked himself back into his shorts and stood.</p><p>“Why?” Shijima rose to her feet and pulled her panties back into place with one hand. “It’s late; stay over.”</p><p>“I meant what I said before I went away. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”</p><p>“You’re stressed.” Shijima shrugged off her suit jacket as she opened the fridge. The shelves were stacked with glass bottles of sparkling Voss, diet sodas, and vegan protein powders. “Men always do this kind of thing when they’re stressed. Just because Rasa’s been riding you lately, doesn’t mean we have to be over.”</p><p>“It’s not about my father.” Gaara glared at her back. “We don’t make sense together.”</p><p>“We make perfect sense together.” She pulled out a Diet Coke and poured it into a tall glass. “Financially, educationally, <em>sexually</em>…”</p><p>Shijima said the last bit with a smirk, but when Gaara didn’t bite, frowned. His gaze drifted to the front door and she could tell he was plotting how to make his escape.</p><p>“That woman outside the bar tonight…” she started, and he turned back to face her. “I’ve never seen her before. Was she an escort?”</p><p>“<em>Excuse me</em>?” Gaara bristled. Satisfied, Shijima took a long sip from her glass.</p><p>“I’m not a jealous woman, Gaara. And I’m certainly not old fashioned. We’ve been on a break; I don’t mind if you—</p><p>“She’s not an escort,” he snapped, edging a curious smile out of Shijima. Gaara was usually excellent at regulating his emotions, but something about the line of questioning put him on edge. “She was— <em>is</em> an old friend.”</p><p>“Well something about your little <em>friend </em>got you hot and bothered.” Shijima smiled. “You were all over me as soon as she left.”</p><p>Gaara’s body tensed. “That’s not what happened.”</p><p>“Right. Sure.” She rolled her eyes and Gaara watched as she turned to her attention to something on her phone.</p><p>Any other woman might have started a full-on screaming match, but Shijima was quiet. It was eerily similar to their breakup before he went to London. She didn’t shout, she didn’t beg, but he wasn’t at all surprised. In all their time together, Gaara didn’t think he’d ever seen her cry. It was part of what made their “relationship” so easy. No drama.</p><p>"I’m not in love with you.” Gaara said when it was clear she was set on ignoring him. “That’s why I want to end it. That’s all.”</p><p>Finally, Shijima looked up. But instead of looking hurt, she seemed amused.</p><p>“My little sister Hakuto did the whole marriage for love thing a few years back.” She played with the metal straw in her glass. “A boy from our hometown. My parents set up arranged marriage for her, but they ran off together. Eloped.”</p><p>“What happened to them?” Gaara braced himself for something dark but watched as a smile spread over Shijima’s lips.</p><p>“They’re happy now. Four kids. Live in the mountains with a whole farm and everything.”</p><p>“Are you… saying you want a farm?” Gaara couldn’t help but smile at the thought of her knee deep in manure.</p><p>“Not with this manicure,” she chuckled and stood up from the table. “Darling…”</p><p>Gaara watched as she walked over to him, still only in her blouse and panties. She ruffled his hair, like a mother teasing her child.</p><p>“What I‘m trying to say is…that kind of thing is rare. My sister, she was brave. You and I…we’re just…<em>not</em>. But what we are is smart. And we would be comfortable together.”</p><p>She pressed a kiss to his forehead and Gaara remembered why it had been so easy to fall into her. <em>Smart. Reasonable. Comfortable.</em> Everything was always at her insistence; she was matter of fact that way.</p><p>Being with Shijima meant fewer decisions to make, and Gaara could float away on the momentum of her desire, possibility into something great. Something <em>expected</em>. He was getting older, and year after year watched more of his friends and family settling down. He was one of the few left on the outside of their secret club. The one where happiness seemed to come so easily.</p><p>Sakura came to mind again. She was chaotic. Messy. Someone his father would never in a million years approve of.  And yet, he felt hot just thinking about her.</p><p>"Don’t you agree?" Shijima pressed, looping her arms around his neck.</p><p>Gaara’s phone buzzed in his pocket. Expecting something from Rasa, he quickly fished it out.</p><p>Instead, there was message from an unknown number. The words, <strong><em>‘Made it home. Srry for being embarrassing</em>’ </strong>punctuated with a pink flower emoji. He peeled Shijima’s arms from around his neck.</p><p>“Everything ok?” She tried again, but Gaara wouldn’t look at her.</p><p>“I have to go home.”</p><hr/><p>The next morning, Sakura sat on a stool in Ino's kitchen, a towel stuffed down the neck of her t-shirt.</p><p>"You sure you want to do this?" Ino asked as she raised the scissors to the braided ponytail in her best friend's hair.</p><p>Sakura squeezed her eyes shut. “Hurry up and cut it before I change my mind.”</p><p>She felt Ino pull gently on her hair, and then the slight sawing motion of the shears making their way through the thickness of her braid. Five seconds and suddenly over ten years of length was no more.</p><p>Ten years of borderline obsession - highlights, lowlights, deep conditions, expensive organic masks, trims - all charged to Sasuke’s AMEX without a second thought. All because it was the least she could do to keep appearances.</p><p>It wasn't until after Sarada was born that things changed. It was then she realised neither shiny hair nor a crying newborn could keep Sasuke out of other women’s beds. She started to wear it pin straight in silent rebellion, hanging like a sheet to hide the bags under her eyes and the sallow tint to her skin from skipping meals and subsisting mostly on Xanax and diet coke.</p><p>“There we are…”</p><p>Once Ino trimmed away the excess and evened out the ends of her hair, Sakura took another look at herself in the hand mirror. She moved her head back and forth, marvelling in how light it felt.</p><p>At just above shoulder length, the new cut brought more attention to her eyes, and she made a horrified mental note to start looking into Botox and Juvaderm.</p><p>"What's with that face? You look great." Ino stepped back to admire her handiwork. "Way more mature."</p><p>"Mature… But not <em>old,</em> right?" Sakura had a moment of panic, and Ino quickly picked up her comb again.</p><p>"Not old. Don't worry. " She spritzed it with water and parted Sakura's hair to the side, training away her usual centre part. "Very sexy, actually."</p><p>Sakura ran her fingers through the new cut, scrutinising herself at different angles. She thought of the night before, and the woman who had so easily wrapped herself around Gaara’s arm. Her hair was long and dark. Like ink.</p><p>Ino watched the other woman curiously for a moment.</p><p>“What made you want to do this all of a sudden?”</p><p>Sakura thought back to Temari in the restroom of the bar, and the way a simple change in styling had made Gaara take notice.</p><p>“I have nice shoulders,” she said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. “It would be a crime not to show them off.”</p><p>Ino grinned. “Gaara tell you that when he was banging you last night? I noticed you two took off early…”</p><p>“I had too much to drink.” Sakura pulled the towel from around her shoulders and tossed it at Ino’s face. “Took the train home. <em>Alone</em>.”</p><p>“Oh?” Ino caught the towel before it could sail over her head. “Kinda thought you might have gone home with him.”</p><p>“I’m not sure his girlfriend would appreciate that.” Sakura said, seemingly nonchalant.  </p><p>“Girlfriend?” Ino’s mouth dropped open.</p><p>“She showed up last night. Total model type.” Sakura shrugged. “Practically ate his face off.”</p><p>It was an exaggeration, of course, but Sakura couldn’t get the image of them together out of her mind. She should have been more mortified by her behaviour, but luckily the vodka had fuzzed out most of the touchy memories.</p><p>“Him? <em>Really</em>?” Ino scoffed. “Model-type?”</p><p>Sakura was startled as well, but more by Ino’s reaction. They all seemed like such good friends at his house party. How was it that they didn’t know anything about Gaara’s love life? She was the one who’d been gone for a decade, not him.</p><p>“Well maybe it’s not what you think.” Ino swept a bit of hair from the countertop into her palm. “Maybe it’s not serious.”</p><p>Sakura knew she was only trying to make her feel better, but reflecting on the night only made her thoughts spiral. His gentle touch on her arms, his chest pressed up against her back at the bar… Even if it was painfully restrained, Gaara certainly hadn’t looked at her in a way that gave the impression he was seeing anyone.</p><p>“If it’s not then he’s a moron,” Sakura forced a grin. “They’d have like…insanely beautiful kids together.”</p><p>“Fuck.” Ino sighed and plopped down on the chair next to her. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Why?” Sakura shrugged. “I’m happy for him. He deserves it.”</p><p>“You deserve things too,” Ino nudged her in the arm with her elbow. “You know that, right?”</p><p>She studied Sakura’s face in a way that made her uneasy. She remembered the painful conversations she’d had with Ino in university when she first started seeing Sasuke. Her indignant and almost violent defence of him – it wasn’t surprising when Ino and the rest of the girls had given up on her entirely. It was almost overwhelming to know that after all this time, she could still be supportive.  </p><p>“Hey.” Ino nudged her again when she didn’t respond. “What do you think he’s like in bed?”</p><p>Sakura groaned. She didn’t know how to feel about Gaara being her go-to button when things were awkward.</p><p>“Does Sai know you’re so obsessed with another man’s di– <em>scratch that</em>, you’re two sides of the same perverted coin!”  </p><p>“No, honestly!” Ino threw her hands up as she stood to put the kettle on. “He’s so serious all the time…don’t you think he’s probably into a bunch of weird shit?”</p><p>Sakura puffed her cheeks and turned away.</p><p>“No?” Ino laughed. “Then what? --Oh, I know! He’s like secretly a sadist, isn’t he? I could see it. All those finance types are.”</p><p>
  <em>All those finance types…</em>
</p><p>A chill ran down Sakura’s spine. Suddenly, an image of Gaara squeezing a hand around Shijima’s throat popped into her head and she pushed up from the table.</p><p>“No way! He’s gentle! He—” she stopped herself, cheeks burning red. “Or, I <em>think.</em> I don’t know. Jesus—don’t put ideas in my head, pig!”</p><p>“Oh please. Take it down a notch. You’ve definitely already thought about this.” Ino poured hot water into a kettle packed with green tea leaves.</p><p>“Ugh.” Sakura pressed the heels of her palms against her eyes, as if trying to gouge them out. “I’m a terrible person.”</p><p>“You’re not a terrible person.” Ino chuckled as she pried Sakura’s hands away from her face. “Sasuke was your first. It’s natural to be curious about what it could be like with someone else.”</p><p>“How do you stop fantasizing about someone?” Sakura moaned.</p><p>“You don’t!” Ino placed a mug in front of her. “God, do you know why I keep ragging on you about this Gaara stuff?”</p><p>“Because you’re pathological?”</p><p>“Because I want you stop feeling guilty for having desires of your own!” Ino poured the tea into a tall carafe filled with ice. “You always had to take care of your mom, then take care of Sasuke’s feelings, and I can tell Sarada’s ramping up to be your newest excuse. Let yourself feel things, for God’s sake.”</p><p>“Feel things?” Sakura blanked. What did that mean? She definitely wanted to <em>feel something,</em> but ever since becoming a mother that had been solidly off the table for years. She didn’t understand normal relationships, and she sure as hell didn’t understand normal s<em>ex</em>.</p><p>It was bizarre. Naruto and Hinata made sense, even Sai and Ino she could accept, but  Gaara, the man who had been so dour and removed from everyone at school – the guy she struggled to get a word out of most days - even he had managed to find someone to love.</p><p>“<em>Mind your manners, duty over emotion, respect your</em> <em>elders.” </em>Ino took on a mocking tone as she placed a mug in front of Sakura. “We’re all raised that way, but what good did it do you, taking it to the extreme? Sasuke giving you that ultimatum was the best thing that could have ever happened to you, Sakura.”</p><p>“You really think?” Sakura decanted a bit of the chilled tea into a cup.</p><p>“Consider it a blessing. When you sign those papers you’ll be a free woman.”</p><p>“Is it that easy?” She wondered aloud.</p><p>When Ino winked at her, Sakura found herself chuckling. “<em>Fuck</em>. I just want to know what it’s like for something to be easy.”</p><p>“You can have easy, kid.  An easy life, an easy lay… you can do it if you really want it. It's not about Gaara. Like...watch a porno, get back into running or judo, drink – whatever you want. He stole all that from you, but you can take it back.”</p><p>“But Sarada—</p><p>“Fuck off using her as an excuse.” Ino flicked her in the back of her head. “When kids see their parents happy, they feel safe. Simple.”</p><p>It was true. Sakura could see how happy Sarada was after just one afternoon with Inojin. She barely had friends in Hokkaido and was always frustrated at home. A few days in Tokyo and it was like she was a different little girl.</p><p>“Come work with me at the flower shop,” Ino said. “You can help take orders and run deliveries.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Of course, really. It won’t be a ton of money, but you can help long as you want until you figure things out.”</p><p>“You’re being so nice to me!” Sakura clutched her mug with both hands to keep from flinging her arms around Ino in gratitude. “What’s the catch?”</p><p>“No catch.” Ino lowered her gaze to the milky coloured floor tiles. “If I’m honest, I look back at us and I’m just…I’m sorry I let you down.”</p><p>“What? You didn’t—</p><p>“Back in school with your mom and…” she hesitated. “Everyone just pretended they didn’t know. You know, <em>don’t get involved</em>. Maybe if we’d been better friends to you back then you wouldn’t have felt like you needed Sasuke so badly.”</p><p>
  <em>Needed Sasuke so badly…</em>
</p><p>It was an innocent remark, and yet somehow really stung. Sakura didn’t want to defend him, but still it felt so unfair. Sasuke had been a prick, but he’d also been generous. Expensive manicures and pedicures, girls’ trips and shopping sprees… all things she and her friends had benefitted from. And in return, he could take from her as much as he wanted.</p><p>It was only fair.</p><p>“Mommmmm!" Sarada cried out from down the hall. The sound of footsteps quickly approached, and she skidded to a stop in the doorway of the kitchen, covered in ink. "Inojin says there's a festival next week and- <em>your hair</em>!"</p><p>"You like it?" Sakura shook her head from side to side. Sarada’s mouth dropped open.</p><p>"It's short like mine!" She grinned, but then suddenly her smile faded away. "Dad’s gonna hate it.”</p><p>"That's okay," Sakura hugged her daughter close. "I did it because I like it, not for dad.”</p><p>Ino was happy to hear the words, but Sarada's smile quickly morphed into an angry frown.</p><p>"You're so annoying!" Sarada let go of her mother abruptly. "You're always making him mad!”</p><p>Shocked, Ino lowered her mug.  "Sarada… that's not very nice," she chided.</p><p>"It's just not fair," she huffed. "Now when dad does come for us, he's going to be angry. <em>As usual."</em></p><p>"Sarada that's not…" Sakura started, but Sakura turned on her heel and rushed back out through the doorway.</p><p>"Jesus. Have you talked to her?” Ino asked once she heard the screen door slam. “About you and Sasuke?”</p><p>"I don’t know if she’ll understand.”</p><p>“She’s not a little kid anymore. You have to bring it up eventually. I’m sure she knows things aren’t right between you and the sperm donor.”</p><p>Remembering something, Sakura pulled out her cell phone. “He hasn’t called or left a message in a few days. Part of me expected him to chase me.”</p><p>"Well thank god he didn’t,” Ino countered. "What he wants from you doesn't matter anymore. Right?"</p><p>Sakura lifted the hand mirror from the table and pulled at the ends of her hair, as if trying to stretch it back to its original length.</p><p>"Yeah,” she mumbled. “Right."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. BBQ</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Double update!</p><p>TW: A trigger warning for the first section of this chapter. There is a description of sexual assault. :(</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sakura was the kind of girl who always liked to be prepared. She earned a reputation from grade school as a know-it-all and a goody-two-shoes, but that was only because she didn’t like surprises. Her father’s death took her by surprise, and ever since then she decided something like that would never happen again. As long as she was regimented – as long as she could control absolutely everything, she would be okay.</p><p>So, at 18, after six months of dating Sasuke Uchiha, she was determined to make sure their first time together was perfect. Candlelight, rose petals, the works. She’d bought new lingerie and even endured a Hollywood wax –which wasn’t nearly as a glamorous as she’d expected— (although at one point she definitely thought she saw stars) in an attempt to be on ‘top form’.</p><p>She snuck two bottles of red wine from her mother’s secret stash, a bouquet of roses from Ino’s family store, and saved up all the cash from her part time job to book a night at a love hotel from them. Sure, it was a little much, a little cheesy maybe, but she’d held back for so long, she deserved some flash. There’d been months of making out and a little heavy petting, but nothing <em>all the way.</em></p><p>The plan was to check in together at 9, but as usual Sasuke was running late. Sakura had one glass of the wine to calm her nerves – then another and another as the hours ticked by. Before she knew it, both bottles were drained.</p><p>Sasuke showed up four hours late, but if she was honest, she was glad he’d shown at all.</p><p>“You smell like a brewery,” he chuckled against her neck.</p><p>“Sorry.” Sakura was wobbly on her feet. <em>You smell like perfume</em>, she wanted to say, but instead leaned into his touch. It was rare that he touched her gently anymore.</p><p>“You’re always sorry, aren’t you?” He kissed her, and she found he tasted vaguely of beer. Sakura wasn’t sure if he was trying to insult her but smiled hopefully.</p><p>“I just mean, like, I’d do anything for you.” She looped her arms around his neck.</p><p>It was true. Sakura could understand what it meant to be a loner – she didn’t grow up having a lot of friends, and her mom was so strung out on pills lately, some days it was as good as living alone. Ino should have been her ride or die, but ever since Sai, things were different. Sakura’s life had been boring before Sasuke, and with a bit of care and a lot of love she was sure she could mend the broken parts of him.</p><p>“Show me,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah?” Sakura spun out of his arms with a giggle and headed for the bed.</p><p>She’d planned to strip effortlessly out of her lingerie and spread out onto the comforter, but unsteady, she tripped, flopping face down onto the bed. Sasuke chuckled – a strangely bitter sound – and slapped her ass.</p><p>“Is that how you want it your first time?” he hummed against her ear. “Up the ass?”</p><p>Sakura turned back over and gave an exaggerated gasp. “Don’t be filthy.”</p><p>“You <em>are </em>filthy…” he ran his hands up the sides of her body before stopping to rest on her breasts. “Aren’t you?”</p><p>Sakura made a soft moaning noise. Sasuke’s face was blurry above her, and all she wanted was him to stop moving. To stroke her hair and baby her for a little while.</p><p>“Kiss me again,” Sakura pouted. “Please.”</p><p>Sasuke put his face close, but suddenly a wave of nausea hit her full force.  She retched.</p><p>“Fuck.” Sasuke pulled away as soon as she began to dry heave. “Christ, don’t do this to me Sakura.”</p><p>She felt him lightly slapping her cheek, but it was too late. She heaved again, vomiting over the side of the bed.</p><p>“Fuck’s sake.”</p><p>Sakura blinked slowly, dumbly, and gasped for a fresh breath of air. Beside her, Sasuke was muttering under his breath.</p><p>“What am I going to do with you?”</p><p>“Sasuke-kun…” She whined sickly. The room was spinning, and she grasped for him to hold on to.</p><p>Suddenly she felt him shifting her – dragging her body so that her head hung slightly off the bed. She tried to lift it, tried to kiss him, but Sasuke pushed her face to the side.</p><p>Then, her panties.</p><p>“Your breath, Sakura…” he muttered against her throat. Sluggishly, she nodded.  </p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“You’d better not puke.”</p><p>He spit on his fingers first, but then when that wasn’t enough – directly on her. Vaguely she could hear him laughing, and though she didn’t understand, she struggled to force a smile.  When he pushed forward it was like the wind was knocked out of her. The room was spinning again, and the burning between her thighs made her nauseous.</p><p>Sakura could hear him grunting, feel the bed moving, feel her body bouncing limply against him, but no pleasure. <em>Was this how it was supposed to be,</em> she wondered. She fixed her gaze on the ceiling in an attempt to quell the nausea, but the relief was short lived when Sasuke flipped her onto her stomach. She could feel him fumbling with something, and then the burning of him trying to force himself inside again.</p><p>“Stop. Not <em>there</em>,” she tried to push up, but his weight felt impossible to shift.</p><p>“You said you’d do anything, didn’t you?” He nipped her ear with his teeth and Sakura cried out into the comforter.</p><p>In the morning, she’d expected to find it all a weird fever dream. Instead, she found herself lying alone on stained sheets, her body heavy and sore. Her breasts were covered with marks that looked more like wounds than love bites, and her hair reeked of vomit. The wastebasket near the bed was stuffed with soiled towels, and thankfully, the remains of a condom.</p><p>There was a little blood too, but she wasn’t sure from where.  On her phone, a message from Sasuke left at 6am.</p><p>
  <em>Wild night, right? Be careful on the way home.</em>
</p><p>She lay there for an hour more, until reception buzzed her to let her know the money had run out. Then, Sakura cleared the flowers and the wine bottles, rinsed the sick from the towels, and put herself back together the best way she knew how.</p><hr/><p>“So, she wouldn’t let you come back? Really?” Mebuki looked at Sakura sadly as they sat together on the front porch.</p><p>A few yards away, Sarada lay out on the grass in a swimsuit, soaking up the sun. The sprinklers ticked nearby, splashing her intermittently.</p><p>“It’s okay, actually,” Sakura perked up. “Ino said she’d let me work at the Yamanaka store.”</p><p>“The flower shop?” Mebuki raised her brows. Though she smiled, Sakura could see the disappointment in it. Suddenly she felt like a little girl again, meek under a gaze of disapproval.  </p><p>“I know it’s not medicine, but…” Sakura searched her mother’s gaze, hopefully. “I mean eventually I’ll of course try and see if I can clock hours somewhere else—</p><p>“Sakura it’s fine. You’ll get back into it eventually.” Mebuki reached out to pat her back, but Sakura shifted away. She remembered Ino’s speech to her in the kitchen, and how easy it was to fall into the routine of trying to please her mother at her own expense.  </p><p>“What if I don’t want to?” she blurted.  </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I mean, what if I’m not passionate about it anymore? What if it’s not what I want to do with my life?”</p><p>Her mother stared out at the yard, expression unreadable. After a moment, she sighed. “What kind of time do you think you have, Sakura? All that study and schooling…in your position you should try and put it to use.”</p><p>“In <em>my position</em>?” Sakura scoffed. “You mean my age, right? Because I’m too old to find a husband who’d put up with me and my child.”</p><p>They both watched Sarada flop over onto her stomach, closer to the sprinkler. She grinned as the water splashed into her face, oblivious to the emotions raging on the porch.</p><p>“Sakura what the hell do you want me to say?” Mebuki fought to keep her voice down. “Of course I want you to take care of yourself. The reality is, you have a child and she depends on you. You should be trying to excel, not taking the easy way out.”</p><p>“Easy way out?” Sakura balled her hands into fists. “Really rich coming from <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“What?” Mebuki stared at her. Sakura’s heart thudded hard in her chest. Once again, words that sounded good in her head were harsh in reality, and she couldn’t take the look of pain in her mother’s eyes.</p><p>“I didn’t mean--</p><p>“Hey mom, isn’t that your friend?” Sarada’s voice cut into the argument. Sakura looked up to see her daughter smiling brightly, gesturing towards a figure coming up the drive.</p><p>Sakura turned her head she was relieved to see a familiar shock of blonde hair.  </p><p>“Naruto!” She dusted off her hands and threw herself off the porch, into his arms.</p><p>“Nice hair, Sakura-chan!” He hugged her strongly before waving towards her mother.</p><p>“Hey Miss Haruno!” he grinned.</p><p>Sakura watched as Mebuki seemingly still in shock, dusted off her apron and forced a smile.</p><p>“Hi Naruto.” She bowed. “I’ll just leave you two kids to catch up.”</p><p>She gave neither of them any time to respond before taking off back into the house.</p><p>“Everything ok?” Naruto looked from Sakura to the empty porch with a frown.</p><p>“Oh yeah, totally.” Sakura lied. Sarada, who had been lazily stretched on the grass moments before, was now pressed up against her side. She stared at Naruto in awe.</p><p>“I remember you,” she said. “You were from fancy Gaara’s house party.”</p><p>“That’s me! Uncle Naruto!” Naruto crouched to Sarada’s height and gave her hair a ruffle. “<em>I’m</em> the fancy one, you know. Not Gaara.”</p><p>“Did you know my mom in school too?” she asked. The question came out of nowhere, and Sakura’s whole body tensed. Naruto buried both hands in his pockets as he thought up a neutral response.  </p><p>“Yep, that’s right, I did!” he grinned. “High school and college days!”</p><p>Sarada’s smile turned quickly into a suspicious frown. “Mom doesn’t talk about anyone from Tokyo. Dad either.”</p><p>“Ah…” Naruto rubbed at the back of his neck. “Life was chaotic then.”</p><p>“What does that mean?”</p><p>“Sarada stop being nosy and go wash your hands.” Sakura steered her pouting daughter towards the house. “Grandma’s making lunch for you.”</p><p>As soon as she sulked off inside, Naruto sighed in relief.  </p><p>“That face,” he chuckled. “Fucking terrifying – just like Sasuke-kun.”</p><p>“Oh stop.” Sakura elbowed him and took a seat on a dry patch of grass. Naruto plopped down on his back beside her, away from the sprinkler.</p><p>When she was sure Sarada was completely out of sight, she turned back to her friend. “So, why’d you come by?”</p><p>“Nothing, really.” Naruto folded his arms underneath the back of his head. “We didn’t really get to talk last night. Just came to check up on you.”</p><p>“Everyone checking up on me all of a sudden…” Sakura chuckled. “It’s like I’m on suicide watch.”</p><p>“Aw Sakura-chan, don’t say shit like that!” Naruto balked, shooting up into a sitting position.</p><p>“Sorry.” Sakura shrugged. “I’m just not used to all the attention.”</p><p>“It’s only because we like you so much.” Naruto grabbed hold of her ankle and gave it a playful tug before stretching out again. “And speaking of people who like you so much…”</p><p>Sakura braced herself for the inevitable.</p><p>“You and Gaara…”</p><p>“Oh Jesus, I knew it.” Sakura smacked him in the shoulder. “Despite what Ino might have spread in any group chats… we didn’t go home together. So don’t ask!”</p><p>Naruto burst into a fit of laughter, and Sakura couldn’t help but find it infectious. Even after all the time they’d spent apart, he was still the same goofball she remembered from school.  Ino mentioned he was a school principal, but looking at him then, writhing in the grass, she couldn’t imagine kids taking him seriously.</p><p>“Come on, you can’t blame us for being curious!” Naruto flipped over onto his stomach so that he faced her. “You two have always had a weird thing, haven’t you?”</p><p>Sakura started to pick at the grass. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Like I mean…if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought you were sleeping with him on the side.”</p><p>“That’s not true!” she threw a fistful of grass in Naruto’s face.</p><p>“I mean, I know it’s not. At least not while I was at home,” he snorted. “But you wanted to, right?”</p><p>Sakura shrugged. She’d finally reached a limit with all the mystery. What was the use in denying it, ten years later? For all she knew, Gaara had told Naruto the whole embarrassing story.</p><p>“He was nice and I was looking for someone to save me.” Sakura pulled her knees to her chest as she remembered the sloppy way she’d come on to him the night before. “It was nice to imagine something else sometimes.”  </p><p>“And now?” Naruto pressed.</p><p>“Let’s just say…only one of us has grown up,” Sakura smiled bitterly. Naruto sat up beside her and leaned his weight into her shoulder.</p><p>“He’s hard on himself, too, you know. Just like you.”</p><p>“Well it paid off for him. He has everything.”</p><p>“I don’t know about that.” Naruto murmured. “He’s really hard to pin down most days.”</p><p>“Hard to pin down?” Sakura frowned. “What does that mean?”</p><p>“I just think you have a lot in common,” Naruto gestured with his head towards the house. “<em>Duty</em>, you know.”</p><p>Sakura could feel shame creeping hot up the back of her neck.</p><p>“I know what that’s like,” he said after a while. “I thought I had a duty to Sasuke, but it should have been to you. To keep you safe.”</p><p>“You were his best friend.”</p><p>“When it was <em>convenient</em>,” he corrected. “And let’s be real – that guy had no idea how to make or keep friends.”</p><p>“It’s not his fault.” Sakura sighed as she pushed the hair out of her face with both hands. “The way he grew up…” She felt angry just thinking about it. “People don’t understand.”</p><p>“Look, I get it.” Naruto waved her off. “I wanted to fix him too. That’s why I…”</p><p>He hesitated and though Sakura knew what he wanted to say, was still afraid to hear him say it.</p><p>“I used you,” he admitted. “I thought being with you would change him, and I let a lot of shit go with the way he treated you because of it.”</p><p>“I was a big girl,” she tried to put on a carefree smile, but when Naruto didn’t return it, she squeezed his hand. “We’re both idiots, aren’t we?”</p><p>“Maybe,” Naruto chuckled. “<em>Probably</em>.” He stood suddenly and dusted off the seat of his pants.</p><p>“It’s something about love, I think. Makes you do dumb shit.”</p><p>“Like?” Sakura squinted up at him through a gap in her fingers.</p><p>“Like think you’re better off alone. Like push people away.”</p><p>Sakura regarded him sceptically, but when Naruto extended his hand towards her, she grasped it as firmly as she could.</p><hr/><p>Gaara struggled to concentrate on his meeting with Rasa.  Shijima sat on his right at the long table, looking focused usual, but under the table ran the smooth patent leather of her heel up and down his leg.</p><p>Gaara assumed she was reliving their night together, but all he could think about was the pink haired woman who he still, after ten years, hadn’t figured out how to properly talk to. She’d sent a simple text message and somehow it had him malfunctioning.  </p><p>“…assess the business portfolio and explore new partnerships. I imagine it’ll be good for us. Your thoughts, Gaara?”</p><p>“Hm?” Gaara snapped back into focus at the sound of Rasa’s voice. Shijima’s foot stopped moving.</p><p>“I’m sorry, are we boring you?” Rasa raised a brow. Save for his greying hair, the older man was almost a carbon copy of Gaara, even down to the tired circles under his eyes. For Gaara, it was like looking into a terrifying mirror.</p><p>“I actually hadn’t had time to brief Gaara on the new business opportunity with Uchiha-san,” Shijima jumped in. “It’s my fault, sir. But we’re planning to—”</p><p>“Uchiha?” Gaara came crashing back to reality. “<em>Sasuke </em>Uchiha?”</p><p>“You didn’t read the memo?” Rasa frowned, unimpressed. “He’s looking for our advice in exploring new markets. Taking the family bank global, starting with Shanghai. This is the perfect opportunity to showcase our strength in international markets.”</p><p>“Really?” Gaara scoffed. “We’re not seriously entertaining doing business with The Uchiha Banking Company, are we?”</p><p>While Shijima looked visibly disturbed, Rasa ignored the uncharacteristic defiance. “You’ll be corresponding through one of the senior partners there until he can make it down from Hokkaido next week.  What’s your problem?”</p><p>“He’s just…” Gaara tented his hands on the table, trying to think of an excuse. “Perhaps our firm should be more thoughtful when taking into account ethical impact of our business dealings.”</p><p>“We’re a consultancy firm.” Rasa narrowed his eyes at him. “Did you say the same when you and Shijima were over in Dubai partnering with Bain?”</p><p>Gaara glared at the table. He could feel a shameful blush creeping into his cheeks, and immediately wanted to escape. What was he <em>doing</em>?</p><p>“I don’t have time for idealistic ramblings,” Rasa continued. “Especially from someone who just managed to eke his way into partnership.”</p><p>“Dad—</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>A silence fell in the room, and Gaara could feel Shijima’s gaze on him, gawking. It had been a while since he’d felt the terror, but some days there was something about the sound of his father’s voice that turned him into a ten-year-old boy. </p><p>“<em>Rasa</em>,” he corrected himself, but then found that he had lost the rest of his words.</p><p>Shijima stood suddenly and gathered her things. “Sir…we have another meeting in 15. Perhaps we could go over the deck?”</p><p>Gaara knew it was her attempt to displace the tension, but Rasa kept his gaze on his son.</p><p>“No. I’ll catch up with you later,” he said without looking back. Shijima mouthed a ‘sorry’ to Gaara before slipping out the door.</p><p>“For God’s sake.” Rasa rose from his seat. “You don’t do that at work. You embarrass yourself and you embarrass me.”</p><p>“Yes sir,” Gaara replied.  With just the two of them in the small room, he felt tense. In an attempt to put them on the same level, he stood.</p><p>“I looked into his background. You two went to the same university, didn’t you? Same finance degree?”</p><p>“We did,” Gaara muttered. “But…”</p><p>“There’s no buts.” Rasa stalked over to him, frowning. “If you had a poor relationship with him then, I don’t want to know. This is your job, not a social network.”</p><p>He raised his hand and the sudden movement made Gaara flinch. Startled, he backed up into a coffee cart, knocking a set of napkins and sugar packets over the floor.</p><p>“What the hell is wrong with you?” Rasa snapped, passing his fingers through his hair.  </p><p>One movement and Gaara felt like a child all over again. Even at work, even after years of distance and disentanglement, the subtle threat of violence left him frozen. On cue, the boardroom door swung open. Yukata stood in the doorway with an armful of folders. For a moment, she observed the tense scene, then jumped into action.</p><p>“Ah, Gaara-sama! What a mess - must not have stacked those correctly.” She rushed forward.  Gaara was grateful when she shifted easily between him and Rasa, crouching to collect the spilled items.</p><p>Rasa backed out of the way.</p><p>“I gave you part ownership of the company because I saw potential in you.” He ignored Yukata as she pushed the cart aside. “You haven’t disappointed me yet, so don’t start now.”</p><p>Gaara nodded and watched tensely as Rasa stormed out.</p><p>“Everything okay?” Yukata asked when the door slammed shut.  </p><p>“Yes.” Gaara didn’t look at her. “Thanks for getting that.”</p><p>“You might consider taking some vacation days,” Yukata said once she’d put everything back in place. “You don’t seem quite like yourself.”</p><p>Something in Gaara burned at the comment. Innocent enough, but still touching on something he was growing increasingly frustrated with. Naruto, his sister, his brother, his father – what did they <em>truly</em> know about him anyway?</p><p>“Right. Well I think we’re done here,” he snapped. Pale-faced, Yukata bowed and hurried out of the room.</p><p>Gaara knew he should have felt ashamed of his terse reaction, but instead all he wanted was to escape. Angrily, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through the sea of business messages until finding the one number he really wanted to see.</p><p>
  <strong>To Sakura: I need to talk to you. Can we meet today?</strong>
</p><p>He expected a bit of time to calm himself, but Sakura’s response came back right away.</p><p>
  <strong>Sakura: Of course. Late lunch?</strong>
</p><p>Gaara tensed in a mild sort of panic. He could think of a few upscale brasseries that might take quick bookings, but it had been so long he had no idea what she enjoyed anymore.</p><p>Another message.</p><p>
  <strong>Sakura: Do you still eat meat?</strong>
</p><p>He stared at it dumbly before sending a thumbs up emoji.</p><p>
  <strong>Sakura: Have 2 run errand first. Meet here @ 1:30?</strong>
</p><p>She shared the location of a Korean BBQ restaurant in Shibuya and Gaara sent another childish thumbs up.</p><p>He could only thank God she was still a stickler for organisation.</p><hr/><p>Gaara arrived at the restaurant first, as usual, and almost didn’t recognise Sakura when she entered. The bubblegum pink hair should have been a dead giveaway, but the short cut was new. Wavy, just above her shoulders, with just a little pushed behind her ears. He’d been a fan of the ponytail the night before, but this was even better.</p><p>“Hey.” She smiled, but it was cautious. “I’m glad you wanted to meet up.”</p><p>Gaara stared hard. Up close she looked so much younger and lighter; it was like looking at her 10 years ago.</p><p>Chuckling, Sakura gave the ends of her hair a playful flick. “Yeah, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing. What do you think?”</p><p>When Gaara didn’t say anything, she twisted a wavy lock around her finger. “What? Is it weird?”</p><p>“It suits you.” He tried to keep the comment as neutral as possible but was pleased when Sakura beamed back at him.</p><p>For a moment, it was as if everything was normal between them. He pulled out her chair, she sat, and soon a waiter came to lay out a colourful array of meats and vegetables on the grill.</p><p>“Hope you don’t mind the choice. Had a craving.” Sakura smiled and he zeroed in on her lips, shiny with pink gloss.</p><p>Suddenly he could hear her voice in his ear, teasing.  </p><p>
  <em>Do anything you want to me.</em>
</p><p>“Should we have drinks?” Gaara asked, suddenly hungry for anything alcoholic. He usually wasn’t one for day drinking but meeting up with Sakura again was doing strange things to his head.</p><p>“I should probably stick to water,” she said, blushing. “After last night I…Well, I clearly still don’t know how to hold my liquor. I hope your girlfriend wasn’t too upset.”</p><p>Gaara noted the Sakura’s sheepish smile and the way her eyes darted to the side, then the grill, then her chopsticks – anything to keep from looking at him head on. Strangely enough, it relaxed him to see that she, too, was anxious.  </p><p>“My…” He paused to think about the end of her statement. “Shijima isn’t— Shijima is my colleague.”</p><p>It wasn’t a lie, <em>exactly</em>, but for a reason he couldn’t explain, the last thing he wanted was for Sakura to somehow sniff out that he’d slept with her.</p><p>“Ah huh.” Sakura nodded slowly. “Well, your <em>colleague</em> is a total knockout.”</p><p>“She’s really very talented.” Gaara tried, but when Sakura focused her attention back on the sizzling grill, cleared his throat.</p><p>“Rasa hired her,” he added quickly.  </p><p>Sakura raised her brows high. “You work for your <em>father</em>?”</p><p>“It’s not bad, really,” Gaara rolled his eyes as he lied. “He makes sure I’m taken care of.”</p><p>She chuckled and again, Gaara felt a bit of the stiff armour of the day being chinked away. Ironically, of all the friends he had, Sakura was probably the most aware of the harsh relationship between he and Rasa. After years of duty, it was nice not to worry about keeping up appearances.</p><p>“Oh really?” she huffed. “Well he’d ought to, based on how hard you seem to work.”</p><p>“Yes, well, what else is there to do in life?” Gaara smiled and used the tongs to turn over a few pieces of mushrooms on the grill.</p><p>“Oh I dunno, <em>anything</em>?!” Sakura laughed. It was a shrill sound in the near-empty restaurant, but infectious enough to nudge a another smile out of Gaara.</p><p>“Hang out with Naruto and the guys…fuck your <em>colleague-slash-girlfriend</em>?” she teased.</p><p>As Sakura chattered on, Gaara carefully monitored the grill and began to share out the larger strips of steak onto her plate.</p><p>He remembered now. She’d told him once about her love for Korean BBQ, and how when her father was alive, they’d go together every Friday. Sasuke, however, would never take her. He said all the meat and rice would just make her put on weight. Gaara suspected it wasn’t about the weight, really, but rather the power of being able to deny her something that made her feel good.</p><p>“I’m often busy,” Gaara said, easily. “And I told you she’s <em>not</em> my girlfriend.”  </p><p>Sakura furrowed her brows as she filled a bowl to the brim with rice. “So you’re really still single?”</p><p>“What do you mean by <em>really</em>?” Gaara feigned offense. “It’s by choice.”</p><p>He picked up a piece of mushroom to slide onto his plate, but Sakura snatched it out at the last minute and popped it into her mouth.</p><p>“Probably for the best,” she said as she chewed. “You’ve always been annoying.”</p><p>“I’m not the one getting divorced,” he joked without thinking, and there was a silence before Sakura snorted with laughter.</p><p>Gaara felt relieved, glad to have their banter back. Sakura seemed in a much better mood than the previous times he’d seen her, and it made all the difference. </p><p>“You’re a massive dick,” she smiled, wryly. “Any of your women ever tell you that?”</p><p>“Well… something along those lines,” Gaara smirked and watched with pleasure as Sakura’s cheeks flooded with colour. </p><p>“Oh shut up. There’s no way any woman would put up with you.”</p><p>“You’d be surprised what women will put up with for --” he stopped himself short. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”</p><p>Gaara put his tongs down. He was sure he’d crossed a line. There was banter and dark humour, but then there was…<em>that.</em></p><p>“No, it’s fine.” Sakura forced a smile. “You know better than anyone, I guess.”</p><p>“I’m happy that chapter of your life is over, Sakura,” Gaara said. “You should be proud of yourself for making a fresh start.”</p><p>“I guess.” She shrugged, but then pulled her shoulders back. “I mean… I <em>know</em>, but at the same time part of me is sad he hasn’t come looking. As scary as that might be, I feel like it would mean something, you know?”</p><p>Gaara thought of his meeting with Rasa and stiffened up again. How could he have a conversation like this with her, knowing that Sasuke was, indeed, planning to come to Tokyo? His gut feeling told him the business talk was nothing but a farce. All Sasuke ever concerned himself with was ruining Sakura’s plans.</p><p>“But it’s for the best,” she continued when Gaara was quiet. “Maybe it means if I sign the papers, he won’t contest anything. That we can just decide about Sarada and move on from each other.”</p><p>“I hope so,” Gaara said, and when she smiled, cautious again, his chest felt tight. What would he gain by telling her? Wouldn’t she just panic? Wouldn’t it make her want to run away again?</p><p>He felt scared again, the way he had in his office with Rasa. The way he hadn’t felt in years.</p><p>Sakura had only just come back into their lives. If he was smart, he could do things properly this time around and protect her from Sasuke. If he ended the business partnership on his own, she wouldn’t have to worry. She wouldn’t have to leave. </p><p>“Sorry, I don’t mean to be so miserable every time we see each other.” Sakura put her chopsticks down and waved over a waiter.</p><p>“We’ll have two pints of Asahi and two shots of vodka.” She ordered cheerfully and then filled her mouth with rice.</p><p>“Vodka?” he raised a brow.</p><p>“Ino says I should let loose,” she mumbled through a mouthful. If it were anyone else, he might have found the behaviour distressing, but there was something childish and sweet about watching Sakura indulge.</p><p>“She’s probably right,” Gaara said, gaze fixed on a grain of rice glued to her bottom lip. “You’re only young once.”</p><p>“Don’t talk like such a grandpa!” Sakura laughed. “I’m the one at peak Christmas cake status. Men are the ones who get to become<em> mature</em> and <em>distinguished</em>.”</p><p>“You don’t really believe in that, do you?” He watched her lick the rice away.</p><p>Sakura gave a half-hearted shrug. “It’s just weird thinking about starting over. Raising Sarada alone won’t be anything new, but like dating and all that? Sasuke’s the only guy I’ve ever…” She stopped.</p><p>Gaara looked up from his food to see blush creeping into her cheeks again. This time, when their eyes met, she dropped her gaze to the grill. He felt her foot begin to bob nervously under the table, rubbing inadvertently against the inside of his thigh.</p><p>The waiter came with their drinks and as soon as he put the glasses down, Sakura took her shot.</p><p>“You have plenty of time for that sort of thing,” Gaara said as he watched her chase it with a sip of beer. “You deserve someone who will be gentle with you.”</p><p>“Gentle?” Sakura’s voice softened and Gaara could see she was mulling over something in her head. He watched her bite her lower lip, just barely, just enough to seem suggestive.</p><p>“If that’s how you want it,” he added, and Sakura’s nervous foot twitching intensified.</p><p>Though Gaara prided himself on being blunt with everyone, this was different. This was dangerous territory, and he could feel himself wading deeper by the second.</p><p>“I do want it,” she said, but then seemed to check herself. “<em>That,</em> I mean. Eventually.”</p><p>They ate in silence for a little while longer, Sakura’s foot bouncing incessantly. Gaara tried to shift himself for sanity’s sake, but the table was too small to allow his long legs any sort of breathing space.</p><p>“Why did you invite me for lunch?” Sakura finally asked. “You said you needed to talk to me about something.”</p><p>Gaara bought himself time with a sip of beer. He was being overindulgent with her again. It was just like at the welcome home party, and during breakfast at his apartment, and in the privacy of his room ten years ago.</p><p>He was supposed to be warning her about Sasuke, but instead he was flirting with someone he knew he shouldn’t have.</p><p>“Gaara?”</p><p>“I wanted to apologise.” He cleared his throat to hide the waver in his voice. “I think I said some things to you last night that were…<em>unfair</em>.”</p><p>“Oh right. Like that you were terrified of me?” Sakura smirked.</p><p>“I’m not the best with words. You know that. I just…”</p><p>“Gaara it’s fine,” she chuckled. “I did always used to pick on you. I get it if--”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant.” He cut her short. “I…think you know that’s not what I meant.”</p><p>Sakura’s foot slowed against his thigh, and for a moment, Gaara wondered whether she knew exactly what she was doing.</p><p>“Then what did you mean?” She seemed tentative, but the knowing flush was back on her cheeks. Combined with the heat from the grill, the hair framing her face was slightly damp, and her skin dewy.</p><p>Gaara picked up his full shot glass and then tipped the vodka down the back of his throat. </p><p>“I find you…<em>very</em> attractive, Sakura,” he said.</p><p>He didn’t know what possessed him, whether it was the vodka or the heat or the start of the coded sex talk, but it was out, and he couldn’t take it back.</p><p>“But?” Sakura pressed. Gaara was surprised by the almost casual reaction, but when she started to bob her foot again, Gaara reached down and caught her ankle in his hand. </p><p>“But I’m not looking for anything serious,” he finished. “I don’t want to lead you to think I’m capable of that.”</p><p>It wasn’t the full story, but for Gaara it was close enough. Sakura nodded to herself, and he struggled to read her reaction.</p><p>“Is it that you think I couldn’t handle you?” Sakura’s lips twitched up into a slight smirk.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You were the virgin when we met, <em>remember</em>?”</p><p>This time, Gaara flushed red. “Sakura I—</p><p>“You shouldn’t assume things about me,” she said, using her tongs to push around a bit of mushroom on the grill. “With Sarada and going through the divorce and everything… if anything, casual would be best.”</p><p>“Right.” He nodded dumbly. “Casual.”</p><p>“And if I did…<em>that sort of thing…</em> I’d want it to be with someone I trust.” She looked him dead in the eye and Gaara felt his mouth go dry.</p><p>“That sort of thing,” he repeated, still holding on to her ankle. He splayed his hand out against her calf and allowed himself to feel the warmth of her skin against his. “What <em>sort of thing</em>?”</p><p>“The kind of thing that should probably be saved for dessert, not lunch.” She pulled her foot away with a smirk. When the gentle pressure was gone, Gaara looked down at his lap and pulled a napkin from the table to cover the rise in his trousers.</p><p>“Everything okay?” Sakura gave a teasing smile.</p><p>“Yes.” Gaara cleared his throat and then checked his watch. He needed to head back to the office before Rasa literally killed him.</p><p>“Work calling?”</p><p>“Sorry.” He shifted in the booth and made what he hoped was a subtle adjustment underneath the table.</p><p>“No, it’s okay. I’m full.” Sakura put her own napkin down.</p><p>Against Sakura’s insistence that they split the bill, Gaara paid for the lunch. He didn’t quite know what to say, but once outside, Sakura smiled up at him again, this time looking bashful.</p><p>“Look, I know what you think of me,” she said. “That I’m really sad and annoying and I’ll just bring drama like last time—</p><p>“I don’t think that.” Gaara shook his head. “I never thought that.”</p><p>“I don’t want anything from you. I promise.” She smoothed her hands over the lapels of his jacket. “Not anything but… <em>dessert</em>.”</p><p>This time when Sakura pressed close, Gaara let himself feel the entirety of her. Her tummy, her waist, her breasts against his chest. She looped her arms around his neck, and he was taken by her scent – fresh linen and sweat and something sweet. <em>What would it be like to taste her?</em> He wondered. <em>To be inside her?</em> What would it be like for him to do something <em>he</em> wanted, for once?</p><p><em>‘Fuck it,’ </em>he thought<em>. ‘No strings attached – what could it hurt?’</em></p><p>“I’m not good with sweets.” Gaara murmured the words just below her ear. “But I could make an exception for you.”</p><p>Sakura’s breath hitched, and Gaara could feel her pulse racing under his touch.</p><p>His phone buzzed in his pocket and though he didn’t want to let her go, the draw of duty was too strong. Gaara unwound her arms from his neck and pulled back to skim through his messages. There were several from Shijima and Rasa, along with a missed call from Temari.</p><p>“Place falling apart without you?” Sakura teased.</p><p>“Something like that.” He leaned in and pushed a bit of hair behind her ear with his fingertips. “I’ll call you. <em>Soon</em>.”</p><p>Sakura nodded. Her own hands trembled slightly with adrenaline, and she pressed up slightly on her tiptoes to close the gap and kiss him. For a moment it seemed as though he might indulge, but at the last second, Gaara turned his face to the side.</p><p>“I’ll call you,” he repeated and squeezed her hand.  </p><p>“Yeah, sure.” she murmured, and let Gaara back off. Without any of the delay she expected, he turned and walked off towards the station.</p><p>Seconds later, Sakura’s phone buzzed in her pocket. She expected maybe a text from Ino or her mother, but as soon as she saw the message, however, her stomach dropped.</p><p><strong>Sasuke:</strong> <strong>Fine u win. Let’s do the therapy thing. Let’s be a family again. </strong></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>WHAT COULD GO WRONGGG????</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Pinot Noir</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>*Slides in quietly* </p><p>I'm back! Apologies for such a long hiatus. I mentioned in my last update, but I started a new job recently and though it's been really rewarding, it's also really stressful to onboard remotely and deal with a new workload. Hope everything is ok with you all! :-)</p><p>But anyway, without further ado, here's hoping you enjoy this upload. </p><p>I can't seem to keep my chapters below like 8k, but hopefully it's a satisfying update after all this time! ;D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sakura was a late bloomer.</p><p>For most girls, something magical happened in the sweaty space between middle school and high school. One summer and suddenly her pimply preteen friends were all curves and smooth skin and confidence. But for some reason, the magic passed her by. All the milk in the world wouldn’t make her chest grow, and hobbies like math club and judo didn’t put her on boys’ “hot lists.”</p><p>It wasn’t that Sakura thought she was bad looking. She was athletic, curled her hair from time to time, and boys like Naruto and Lee would often pay her compliments. But still, there was a huge difference between a Sakura Haruno and an Ino Yamanaka. It made perfect sense; what Ino had was a mother who taught her about what it meant to be a woman. Not just makeup and clothes and pushup bras, but grace and sweetness and charm.</p><p>Instead, what Sakura had was a routine.</p><p>Up at 6 a.m. to make lunch and do prep for dinner, school by 9, back home for a quick check-in, then cram school until 11 p.m. Instead of riding the train like her friends, she took the same routes along the river every day, riding her bike to save money.</p><p>As a pre-med, Sakura didn’t see much of Sasuke at school, but every evening on her ride she would spot him walking with some girl by the riverside. Tall, short, curvy, modelesque - a new one every week. There were rumors he paid them to have sex down at the local recycling plant, and it was so outlandish she could almost believe it.</p><p>After all, in life, there was rich and then there was <em>Uchiha rich.</em> His family were classic old money, with investments in so many places she was sure most of it had to be illegal. After a certain point, Sakura was sure that the cash itself became meaningless. And when money was meaningless, it only made sense to raise the stakes.</p><p>Sasuke fascinated her for most of the same reasons he fascinated anyone with ovaries. Chiseled jaw, gorgeous hair, effortless style. But on top of that, there was a mystery about him that made her curious. He was somehow popular, but with very few friends. Top 10% of his class, but totally uninterested in study.</p><p>The first time he spoke to her – ever acknowledged her presence - was late at night on a Wednesday evening. Recycling pickup was every Thursday morning, and ever since her mother took a leave from work there were too many wine bottles to fit in the normal bins. Sakura had learned to be methodical in their disposal, taking only four or five at a time to reduce the noise, moving under the cover of darkness.</p><p>That night, the sound of his voice nearly shocked her out of her skin.</p><p>“That’s a lot of recycling.”</p><p>Sasuke rose from a patch of grass near the riverbed and stuck himself in her path.</p><p>“Jesus!” Sakura jumped back, sending the bottles rattling, “What the hell are you doing out here?”</p><p>“Went for a walk.” Sasuke shrugged. “I’ve watched you go back and forth at least four times now. That’s a lot of effort for recycling.”</p><p>“So you’re stalking me?” Sakura frowned. Good looking or not, she wasn’t in the mood for smug behavior.  As far as she knew, Sasuke didn’t live anywhere near Ueno and could only assume he was up to no good.</p><p>“Me? You think I haven’t seen you watching me on your shit little bike?” he chuckled, but the sharp narrowing of his brows revealed irritation.</p><p>Sakura wanted nothing more than to punch him in the nose, but instead tightened up her grip on the bag. The last thing she needed was to cause a ruckus and have any of the neighbors come looking.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you be getting your dick sucked underneath a bridge somewhere?” she hissed.</p><p>He took another step forward. “Is that supposed to be an insult?”</p><p>Even in the dark, away from the glow of the streetlights, Sakura could feel him smirking at her. When she squinted, she could see his mouth, his lips thin – a little chapped even – but still perfectly kissable. She hated herself for even thinking it, but even after looking away, the nagging hunger continued. Sakura couldn’t help but wonder what it was like to be someone like Sasuke. Someone who was always desired.</p><p>“Whatever.” Sakura took a large step back and swung the bag back over her shoulder. As if the devil himself had been watching with glee, the bottom split in mid-arch, sending bottles and cardboard scattering everywhere. Though mortified, Sakura crouched and started to stuff the evidence of her mother’s drinking back into the remains of the bag.</p><p>Sasuke loomed beside her, hands deep in his pockets.</p><p><em>‘Go away,’</em> she willed him in her head. ‘<em>Just fuck off and let me get on with it!”’</em></p><p>“Big party at home?” He picked up one of wine bottles and inspected the label. “<em>Cheap</em> party at home?”</p><p> Sakura snatched it out his hand and clutched it to her chest.</p><p>“Why are you harassing me?” She snapped. Feeling him bent over her crouched body, looking down on her, made her teary. “It’s late. Don’t you have anywhere else to be? <em>Uchiha manor</em>, perhaps?”</p><p>There was a long silence and Sakura thought he might go, but instead Sasuke turned away from her and started to pick up the remaining bottles.</p><p>“You don’t have to do that.” She tried to snatch at them, but Sasuke was quick to his feet.</p><p>“I know I don’t,” he said. “Come on, let’s get the rest.”</p><p>It was more of an order than anything, but Sakura was too exhausted to put up a fight. The sooner they got rid of the bottles, the sooner she could be rid of him.</p><p>They moved in the dark across the road to the recycling center together, with what felt like a gulf between them. Sakura snuck glances as they walked, taking in spikes of dark hair and pale, moonlit skin, but no clear expression. She still wore her house slippers, and as she gaped the ragged edge of the toe caught in a crack on the sidewalk.</p><p>“Shit!” She tripped and fell forward onto the pavement. Sasuke dropped his bag.</p><p>“Watch where you’re going.”  He hooked his arm under hers and yanked Sakura to her feet in one, smooth motion.  While she stared, he grabbed the bag from her free hand and swung it over his head to land in the large glass bin in front of them. It struck the bottom with a crash that made Sakura jump.</p><p>“Careful!” She hissed a whisper.</p><p>“Calm down. There’s no one around here this late,” he said with certainty.</p><p>“And how would you know?”</p><p>“I <em>know,</em>” Sasuke rolled his eyes at Sakura, but there was something dirty in his tone that made her blush.</p><p>“Any more?” he asked.</p><p>Sakura nodded, and like a shadow, Sasuke followed her the half mile back home. From the corner of her eye she could see him staring at the dead patch of yard out front, his gaze scanning over the broken plastic nursery pots and overgrown patches of weeds.  </p><p>“Your mother isn’t very good with plants, is she?” he deadpanned.</p><p>Sakura ignored the remark and picked up her pace.</p><p>“I’ll be right out with the rest.” She rushed to the porch before he could try and meet her. “Wait here.”</p><p>Sakura scrambled to get the last few bottles together from the kitchen when she heard something strange from her mother’s bedroom. Soft, but quite unlike the gentle snoring she’d come to expect. It was a wet sound, like gagging.</p><p>It only took a second before she realized. In her rush to get the bottles out the first time, Sakura hadn’t remembered to check on her.</p><p>“Jesus, please don’t be--” Sakura threw open the sliding doors to the bedroom, where Mebuki lay on her back next to an overturned bottle of vodka. Her body spasmed and her mouth was wet with bile.</p><p>“Fuck – Mom! <em>Mom</em>!”</p><p>Sakura screamed into the darkness of the room. Panicked, she dropped to her knees and pulled her mother up by the front of her nightgown. She couldn’t think straight and stuck her fingers in Mebuki’s mouth in a desperate attempt to try and clear away the vomit.</p><p>“Stop – turn her over!”</p><p>Sasuke’s voice shocked her. Sakura hadn’t heard him come up from behind, but before she could figure out what was happening, he pushed her out of the way and rolled her mother onto her side. It was something basic Sakura should have known to do in her sleep, but the glassy, desperate look in her mother’s eyes had rendered her immobile.</p><p>“Sakura-chan?” Mebuki blinked sluggishly. She smiled, but Sakura barley recognized her mother’s face, so pallid and childlike.</p><p>“Hold her up.” Sasuke demanded, and numbly, she obeyed. He wedged a few stained pillows under her side to keep her from rolling onto her back again.</p><p>About an hour later when they’d forced Mebuki to drink a glass of water and watched her drift off, Sasuke and Sakura sat on the porch together with the front door open, just in case. Sakura stared at her hands, still sticky with saliva and vomit.</p><p>“My mother loves Klonopin with a red wine chaser.” Sasuke broke the silence.</p><p>Sakura turned to him, startled, and found his face different than she’d ever seen it. The usual lazy smirk was gone, and the moonlight uncovered weary crinkles at the outer edges of his eyes. He was far too young for crow’s feet, but she couldn’t help but think the weathered edge suited him.</p><p>Suddenly, the night made sense. The way he was so insistent with the bottles - so smooth and swift taking care of her mother – he must have been used to it.</p><p>Sakura’s eyes welled with tears and she started to sob. It was hard enough living it, but even worse to be exposed in front of one of her classmates.</p><p>“Stop crying.” Sasuke took her face in his hands. His voice was gruff, but his fingers gentle as he wiped the tears from her cheeks. “You won’t make it if all you do is cry all the time.”</p><p>“She’s just been depressed since dad died.” Sakura squeezed her eyes shut. “…and anxiety. I don’t know… Sometimes she takes something for sleep and it mixes—”</p><p>She pulled away and pressed the heels of her palms over her eyes. “I shouldn’t have fucking left her.”</p><p>Sasuke scoffed and the sound cut through her like a knife. “She’s a grown woman, not a child. It’s not your job to look after her.”</p><p>“She’s my<em> mother</em>.” Sakura glared at him. A different man would have tried to fight her, try to convince her she was wrong, but instead, Sasuke just shrugged and pushed up from the front step.</p><p>“You should get out while you can,” he said.</p><p>When Sakura looked up at him again, her face was red from anger and holding back tears. What did Sasuke Uchiha know, anyway? It was easy to turn your back on your family when you had no true sense of loyalty. So maybe his mother was a drunk too – <em>so what? </em>Everything was easier with money, anyway.</p><p>“I’m not going to leave her,” she snapped.</p><p>“Not even for university?” Sasuke took her wet hands in his and before she could protest, wiped them off against his shirt. It was quick, but Sakura’s fingertips skimmed his stomach as he let go. She imprinted the feel in her mind - hard, hot, toned flesh.</p><p>“I…” Sakura took a deep breath to slow her racing thoughts. “I was thinking I might delay. Spend some more time at home.”</p><p>“You?” he snorted. “Miss Brainiac? Giving up school?”</p><p>“She needs me.” Sakura shrugged. “My dad’s gone and she…she doesn’t have anyone.”</p><p>“Yeah? And who do you have?” Sasuke asked.</p><p>Sakura pressed her lips together tightly. Suddenly, she didn’t want to talk anymore. Silence settled between them, and she was glad when Sasuke didn’t press the issue any further. Instead, he leaned forward and tucked a few strands of sweat-dampened hair behind her ear. For a moment, she thought he might go in for a kiss, but instead he flicked her hard in the center of her forehead.</p><p>“Ow! You f—</p><p>“Don’t let her drag you down.” He smirked. “You’re smarter than that.”</p><hr/><p>Sakura didn’t see Sasuke again for about a month, and it was just enough time for the obsession to develop. Any glance he gave her at school, any sarcastic smirk, she clung to. Unlike the rest of her friends, he’d seen her – the real her – and he didn’t run.</p><p>Instead of being miserable at home, Sakura snuck out to see him at night. 11:30pm, every day after coming home from cram school and checking on her mother, it would be back out through the bedroom window to meet him at the recycling plant. In school he might pretend not to know her, but at night they would sip from bottles of his mom’s stash of Pinot Noir and he would listen to her ramble about anything and everything.</p><p>Her anxieties about school, her mother, how they could both possibly be friends with someone as loud as Naruto…</p><p>He took pity on her.</p><p>A few thousand yen in cash here and there, groceries, paying for her university application fees. Things that her mother couldn’t do, and the money from the government wasn’t enough to cover. He might still go down to the river with other girls, but she bet he never spent money on them the way he did her. There was a difference, Sakura told herself, between a woman you fucked and a woman you loved.</p><p>And in the end, she was the one he turned to when things got dark.</p><p>It was the end of sophomore year when his older brother killed himself and burned their house down. Years of history went up in smoke, along with any trace of family Sasuke had left. There were always rumors about his home life, but the act cemented any suspicions. Violence, neglect, abuse. Though he would never say it out loud, she knew. Like she always said, there was a difference between rich, and <em>Uchiha rich</em>, and you didn’t get to that level of wealth without some degree of sacrifice – even if it was your own family.</p><p>That summer, things came fast. Exams, business obligations, police, journalists, lawyers. Though family associates were left to monitor Sasuke and his trust, at eighteen, he refused to rely on anyone but her. He bought an apartment for himself in downtown Aoyama, but Sakura became his real home.</p><p>Instead of hiding out at the recycling center, they went public. To her friends, Sakura became a saint – the hardworking straight A student who brought light to Sasuke’s life. Soon, she learned what it meant to be desired. Gifts came more often – dresses and jewelry he wanted to see her in, money for spa dates and hair appointments and her mother’s first round at rehab. He gave her access and style, and in return, she offered comfort. Someone to make him feel secure.</p><p>They made plans together – she would follow him to his first-choice university to do her residency, and they’d live together so she didn’t have to figure out how to pay for housing.</p><p>It wasn’t all roses, but was anything, really?</p><hr/><p>The first time he hit her it was a genuine accident. Their first year living together in college and she’d spilled red wine on one of his best dress shirts after a rare night out with the girls. She was careless – in her state a cabernet nightcap was a poor choice – but after clocking far too much time at the hospital, Sakura desperately needed to decompress. Normally, it would have ended at an argument, but that night, Sasuke was in rare form. Like her, he too was under pressure. Distant relatives from the family pushed him to attend meetings beyond his comprehension and on top of school it drove him mad.</p><p>“Shit.” Sakura tried to blot at the stain with some paper towels, but Sasuke was quick to snatch it out of her hands.</p><p>“For God’s sake.” He shoved her out of the way with his shoulder.</p><p>“Don’t be a dick.” Sakura caught herself before she could sway into the wall. “It was an accident!”</p><p>“You’re just like your fucking mother,” he hissed. “A useless drunk.”</p><p>Sakura was usually great at deescalating, but after that remark, the gloves were off. She threw the rest of the bottle on his shirt, and he grabbed her by the hair.  </p><p>A punch meant for the wall caught her straight in the mouth. With so much weight behind it, she blacked out.</p><p>Sakura always told herself she’d leave a man if he ever hit her. One slap or shove and it would be over for good. But when she came to and saw Sasuke staring down at her, the most devastated she’d ever seen him, there was no way she couldn’t forgive.</p><p>In return, Sasuke made sure the weeks that followed were pure heaven. Chocolates, expensive jewelry, compliments and kisses. He stayed in with her on weekends and even helped her study. But when the bruise cleared, so did his conscience.</p><p>It was a cycle she hoped might end when Sarada was born, but in Hokkaido, Sasuke spiraled. In the beginning he used to love to show her off to his clients – dress her in diamonds and silks, but the more heads turned, the more people she got to know, the angrier he became. Soon it was<em> ‘it’s better if you spend more time with the baby’ </em>and <em>‘your place is in the home.’</em></p><p>It wasn’t long before Sakura would find condoms in the pockets of his trousers, and receipts for restaurants he’d always made excuses not to take her to. It didn’t matter who the women were, all that mattered was the humiliation. Still, Sasuke managed to explain it away so simply. He knew she “didn’t enjoy sex” after Sarada. He was only trying to make it easier on her. He said it so often, she started to believe it. What did it matter if he saw other women? She was the one he came home to. If they could give him something she couldn’t, it was her duty to let him have it.</p><p>He seemed so stressed most days – withdrawn and quiet and <em>sad</em>. After so many years the only thing she’d wanted was to make him happy, and she’d failed. If she couldn’t give him sex, she would do her best to give him anything else.</p><p>After all, there was a difference between a woman you fucked, and a woman you loved.</p><p>But there was a line. The escorts or one-offs on trips were one thing, but his latest fling, Karin, was another. This was his business partner – the woman she’d gone to events with and invited into her home and served tea like a fool.</p><p>Sakura confronted him the night he got in from a business trip in Kyoto. She’d spent the entire week he was gone turning their accounts over in a search for evidence, and the results were damming. Sale paperwork for a condo in she’d never been to in Daikanyama, hundreds of payments on a secret credit card to Blvgari and Prada.</p><p>“You absolute bastard!” Sakura threw the papers in his face the second he walked through the door. It had been years since she’d felt so rejuvenated with anger.</p><p>“Jesus Christ,” Sasuke dropped his briefcase and caught her hands in his. “Do you want Sarada to hear you?”</p><p>“I don’t fucking care!” Sakura shouted in his face. “Let her hear what a fucking cheat you are! She should know what kind of man her father is!”</p><p>“I said enough!” Sasuke shook her, and before Sakura knew it, she was being dragged down the hall to their bedroom. He tossed her on the bed like a piece of luggage. “Insane.”</p><p>“Were you on a trip with her? Was that it? Holiday away from the nag wife and kid?” Sakura’s eyes filled with tears as she pulled herself into a kneeling position on the mattress.</p><p>“You’re always making a show out of everything. Like you’re some fucking saint.” Sasuke muttered. He slipped out of his shoes and started to pull free his tie. “If it were up to you, you would have aborted our kid to chase after that redheaded cunt.”</p><p>Sakura’s stomach dropped. “Shut up!”</p><p>“You should be <em>embarrassed</em>.” Sasuke continued, still refusing to look at her head on. “He never wanted you. He said it to your face and you still act like—</p><p>Sakura delivered a stiff kick to the middle of his back. “I said shut up! You absolute—</p><p>Sasuke grabbed her by the wrists again and they scrambled together on the bed. Usually, she wouldn’t fight back, but the rage was too much. Sakura pulled and scratched and kicked, but it was useless under Sasuke’s hold. Finally, out of breath, she let her body fall still under his.</p><p>Sasuke’s breathing slowed, but his eyes narrowed with so much hate it made a chill run through her. “I give you everything,” he growled. “All your fancy clothes and bags and gym memberships - I let you send money to your pathetic mother and you <em>still </em>act like a victim.<em> I’m</em> the victim! I’m—</p><p>“You’re just like your piece of shit father!” Sakura screamed.</p><p>She freed one arm to push him off her, but Sasuke was faster. His hand went up and she steeled herself for the strike. Even though Sakura expected it, the slap knocked the breath out of her lungs.  As soon as she tried to right herself, Sasuke clamped both hands around her throat.</p><p>“Take it back you bitch.”</p><p>Sakura dug her nails into his hands, desperate to pry him off, but the way Sasuke was holding her – <em>choking her</em> – it was as if he truly wanted her to die. White spots appeared in her vision and she dug her heels into the mattress. <em>Is this how I’ll die?</em> She thought, staring into his reddened face. Without ever being to see her mother again? Her friends? Sarada? <em>Him</em>?</p><p>
  <em>He never wanted you. He said it to your face…</em>
</p><p>“Mama! Maaaama!!”</p><p>A tiny voice whined from outside the bedroom door. Sasuke’s hands dropped away and Sakura stifled a sob as air rushed to fill her lungs.  </p><p>“Mama! I had an accident…”</p><p>The doorknob jiggled and Sasuke leapt off the bed, lightning fast.</p><p>“Go back to bed, Sarada!” He leaned against the door to hold it shut.  </p><p>“But papa I—</p><p>“Sarada for God’s sake!” he snapped, but then hissed out a sigh. “Mama… will be there in a second.”</p><p>Both of them stilled in the room, silent until they were sure they heard the sound of little feet moving away from the door. Sakura slumped against the doorframe and put his face in his hands.</p><p>“Fuck,” he muttered, but then, slowly, his shoulders began to shake with quiet sobs. Sakura wanted to hate him, but Sasuke wasn’t a man who easily showed emotion. The rare times he cried…it truly broke her.</p><p>“I’m the victim,” he choked out. “<em>I </em>am.”</p><p>Panicked, and with her neck still red-raw, Sakura dropped to her knees and cradled his head to her chest.</p><p>“It’s okay,” she murmured against the top of his head. Her voice was choked from the strangulation. “I know you didn’t mean it. It’s okay.”</p><hr/><p>Sakura woke the sound of sniffling. The clock on her bedside table read 2:05 a.m. and when she focused, she could see the shadow of a little body standing in the doorway.</p><p>“Sarada!” She jerked upright. “Sarada, what’s wrong?”</p><p>“I had a bad dream.”</p><p>Sakura sighed in relief.</p><p>“Poor darling.” She smiled and outstretched her arms. “Come here.”</p><p>When Sarada didn’t move, she turned on the lamp beside her bed. Sarada’s face was puffy and her eyes red-rimmed from crying. When she looked more closely, Sakura could see the bottom of Sarada’s nightgown was soaked through and clinging to her thighs.</p><p>“It was an accident.” She began to sniffle again, but Sakura was quick to gather her in her arms.  </p><p>“It’s okay, Sarada.” She kissed her forehead. “Let’s go get cleaned up.”</p><p>“Don’t tell papa, okay?”</p><p>“It’s just us, remember? Papa’s not here.” Sakura used her hand to clear the tears from Sarada’s face. “Everything’s just fine.”</p><p>Sarada lowered her eyes to the floor but followed in obedient silence as Sakura led them down the hall, to the bathroom.</p><p>“Hands up high,” Sakura instructed. Sarada lifted both hands above her head and had to bite back a grin when her mother tickled at her sides. Bit by bit, she pulled her out of the damp clothing and set it aside to wash out later.</p><p>“What was the nightmare?” she asked as she lathered up a body sponge. Sarada took a seat on the bathing stool, facing away from her.</p><p>“I don’t remember,” she mumbled.  </p><p>“You haven’t had nightmares in a long time. Or wet the…” Sakura slowed the sponge over Sarada’s back. “You can tell me anything, Sarada.”</p><p>“You and papa were…” she started, but when Sakura’s hands stilled, seemed to rethink something. “Nothing. I can’t remember.”</p><p>“Are you su—</p><p>“Can you wash my hair, too? And do a head massage?” Sarada interrupted. Though frazzled, Sakura smiled. She’d grown to be just as good as Sasuke when it came to deflecting. Still, she was used to Sarada not asking for much and the innocent request made her heart swell.</p><p>“Of course.” She poured a bit of shampoo into her palm and rubbed her hands together to work up a lather.</p><p>“Are we staying here for a while?” Sarada asked as Sakura massaged the shampoo into her scalp.</p><p>Sakura stopped her hands and placed them on her Sarada’s shoulders. “Would you like to?”</p><p>“Well…it’s not boring like Hokkaido,” she shrugged. “I like it.”</p><p>“Rinsing!” Sakura announced, spraying the water over her head. Sarada closed her eyes as the soapy water ran down her body.</p><p>“I like that you have lots of friends here,” she said once the soap cleared. Sakura gripped tight to the showerhead with both hands.</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“It would have been cool to grow up in Tokyo, I think.” Sarada looked over her shoulder at her mother, who this time was trying hard to avoid her gaze.</p><p>“You’re all done.” Sakura gave her head a pat. “Go ahead and soak for a little, kiddo.”</p><p>Sarada shook her hair out of her eyes and climbed into the tub. Sakura smiled, watching her daughter. She really was growing up quickly. It wouldn’t be long before 10 was 11, 11 was 12, and teen years would be chasing them both. It had all gone downhill for her around then. She had to make sure it didn’t happen to Sarada.</p><p>“Will you come in with me?” Sarada asked shyly.</p><p>“I thought you said you were too old for that,” Sakura teased as she set aside Sarada’s nightgown to soak.</p><p>“Well I mean <em>just tonight</em>.” Sarada leaned over the edge of the tub, letting her arms swing down. “Please?”</p><p>Sakura took a good, long look at her. As grown up as Sarada tried to act, she really was just a kid. Childhood was precious, and nothing good came when kids were forced to grow up fast.</p><p>“Of course.” Sakura scrubbed off and slid in behind her daughter in the tub. There was something soothing about spending time with her that way that felt magical – they hadn’t been connecting well lately, but she was starting to believe that maybe Tokyo could have its upsides.</p><p>“When am I going to get boobs like you?” Sarada blurted. The question shocked Sakura into silence for a moment, but then she found herself laughing.</p><p>“Never, I hope!” Sakura pushed down on her daughter’s head with both hands, trying to dunk her, but Sarada flailed free, sending water splashing over the sides of the tub.</p><p>“Hey, quit it!” she giggled, but the serious face returned almost immediately. “Is dad going to come stay with us here too?”</p><p>Sakura thought of the text message she’d received from Sasuke after lunch with Gaara. She should have been overjoyed that he wanted to try again, but the truth was…they’d done that dance before. He’d commit to therapy and then something would come up. Some trip or business deal or any excuse to prolong things. He’d make it up to her with flowers and trinkets and money, but the cycle stayed the same. Why would things suddenly change this time around?</p><p>“Things aren’t…they’re not quite right with us at the moment, Sarada-chan.”</p><p>“I know,” she mumbled, and Sakura felt her heart ache.</p><p>“But it could get better,” she tried. “I mean, who knows?”</p><p>“You fight a lot,” Sarada said. “Like… <em>A lot, </em>a lot.”</p><p>“Everyone fights. Moms and dads—</p><p>“Inojin’s parents don’t.” Sarada turned in her arms. “When I was there, they were always smiling and joking and stuff.”</p><p>Quiet, Sakura focused on using the pads of her fingertips to massage her daughter’s scalp. She didn’t know what to say. Sarada wasn’t a baby – she was old enough now to recognize disfunction.</p><p>“But maybe if dad comes to Tokyo he’ll be happy too.” She gave a hesitant smile. “With all his old friends.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Sakura pinched her cheek.  “<em>Maybe</em>.”</p><p>They sat in the bath together until the water ran cold and Sarada began to doze against her shoulder. It was a quick dry off and re-dress before tucking her back under fresh sheets. Sakura sat back on her knees and watched in silence as her daughter’s breathing deepened in sleep. For so long she’d stayed with Sasuke out of fear that divorce would damage Sarada in some way. It was becoming clear to her, however, that the damage was already done.</p><p>She tiptoed out of the room and then shifted down the hall to her mother’s bedroom. She could hear the soft, even sound of her snores. Even after so many years, she was still checking in. Sighing, she slipped back into her own room and locked the door.</p><p>Sakura scooped up her phone from the bedside table and scrolled through to find Sasuke’s message from the previous day. It was easy to hate him because of where she was now, but he wasn’t evil. No one was truly evil. After all, he was the one who provided her with so much of what she needed over the years. Attention. Luxury. Touch.</p><p>
  <em>Where would she be without that?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who would she be without that?</em>
</p><p>Sakura scrolled through the list of numbers in her phone and then pressed call.</p><p>“Sakura?” The voice on the other line sounded raspy.</p><p>“<em>Hey</em>.”</p><hr/><p>By the time Gaara got home from work, it was well after one in the morning. The apartment was dark, but when he stepped into the kitchen, a shadowy figure shifted in his periphery. </p><p>“Temari, for God’s sake. I thought I told you to stop letting yourself…” He started as he turned up the lights but fell silent when he took in his surprise visitor. </p><p>Rasa sat at the island with a bottle of whisky next to him and two empty glasses.</p><p>“Sir—”</p><p>“<em>Sit</em>.” Rasa gestured to the chair across from him.                                         </p><p>As a teenager, Gaara would have resisted the demand with everything in him, but as an adult it was  second nature to acquiesce. He put his bag down on the couch and took a seat at the table.</p><p>“Drink?” Rasa lifted the bottle.</p><p>Gaara rarely kept alcohol around the house but recognized the whisky as one of two outrageously expensive vintage bottles of Karuizawa Single Malt his father had gifted him after graduation. It was one of the few things he’d received from Rasa without strings attached.</p><p>When Gaara didn’t respond right away, his father poured a bit of liquor into both glasses.</p><p>“I didn’t realize you’d be expecting me.” Gaara smoothed his hair back with a shaky hand. “My lunch ran over, so I stayed behind at the office to—</p><p>“This isn’t about work.” Rasa took a sip from his glass. “I’d like to know your intentions with Shijima.”</p><p>Although his father spoke as if it was the most natural thing in the world, Gaara’s hand tightened up on the edge of the table. Since when did Rasa care about anything when it came to his personal life?</p><p>“There are no… intentions,” he said, carefully. His father wasn’t an easy man to read, but usually Gaara could figure out what rote lines to give him when it came to work. With matters of romance, however, he was lost.</p><p>“But you <em>are</em> seeing her, correct?”</p><p>An image of Shijima bent over her kitchen table flashed in Gaara’s head. He cleared his throat.</p><p>“Not…anymore. We’ve decided to go our separate ways.”</p><p>The corners of his father’s mouth turned down slightly, and Gaara knew it was the wrong answer.   </p><p>“We wanted different things,” he added, quickly.</p><p>“She comes from a good family,” Rasa sighed. “She’s intelligent. It’s a shame she’s a bit older, but you’ve always needed that sort of thing, haven’t you?”</p><p>Gaara cocked a brow at the remark. “Excuse me?”</p><p>Rasa waved him off. “Look, if not her, then…” He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a series of thickly bound file folders. As Gaara watched, he fanned them neatly on the tabletop.</p><p>“Then?” Gaara opened one and was confronted with a large, professional headshot.</p><p>It was a woman in a traditional kimono, short dark hair, and a severe gaze. Beside the photo was her age, height, and weight, along with a short personal history.</p><p>
  <em>‘I look for a future husband who will welcome a large family and is unafraid to lead with confidence.'</em>
</p><p>Gaara gave a bemused chuckle. "You're kidding."</p><p>“You're doing yourself a disservice," Rasa warned as Gaara flipped the portfolio shut. "There are a number of women here from good backgrounds. Highly educated—</p><p>“Father—</p><p>“You’re not a child anymore. You’re a man in your 30s, and despite what you may think, marriage isn't just a woman's problem; it says something about a man in business. The way you are nowadays… people will start to wonder if you’re hiding something.”</p><p>Gaara scoffed at the unspoken accusation. “That’s certainly not the case.”</p><p>“Look. I know men your age prefer to “<em>diversify their interests”</em> – your brother is a fine example of that in action…” Rasa rolled his eyes. “But I’ve come to expect more from you. There’s always give and take in a marriage. If you have additional needs, you should be able to satisfy them, providing you’re discreet.”</p><p>“Is that what you did with mom?” Gaara’s gaze hardened. He wasn’t sure where the bravery had come to confront him, but at the same time, Karura was a sore spot for them both.</p><p>“Women like your mother are a rarity.” Rasa put down his glass. “I never needed anyone else.”</p><p>Gaara was stunned. He hadn’t heard his father mention his mother in over a decade, and even then, it had never been so…<em>heartfelt.</em></p><p>“She would be very proud of you,” Rasa said. He lifted his hand to Gaara’s shoulder, but then lowered it just before making contact. “I know there were things you left behind when you started this work, but you’ve become much better for it. You had a difficult start, but you’ve made something of yourself.”</p><p>
  <em>A difficult start? </em>
</p><p>Gaara felt anger boiling in him at the veiled reference, but kept his mouth firmly shut.</p><p>“I admit, of the three, I never would have thought you’d be the only one not to disappoint me.”</p><p>Gaara lifted his gaze from the glass. Rasa was looking at him intensely, with an admiration he’d never seen before. Though he didn’t want to hear his siblings being put down, there was something oddly refreshing about being on the opposite side of his ire.</p><p>“Why didn’t you take the penthouse?” Rasa turned away suddenly and gestured to the sterile apartment. “This is cramped, no?”</p><p>Gaara shrugged. “It’s just me.”</p><p>“Perhaps not for long.” Rasa finished his glass and then stood. “Take your time with those folios and think things through. I’ll have my secretary put you in touch with the matchmaker if you’d like to go that route.”</p><p>“I’ll give it thought,” Gaara nodded, but his tone was wholly uncommitted. His phone buzzed in his pocket, but he rubbed a hand over his forehead with a sigh.</p><p>“Still haven’t seen about getting that removed?” Rasa gestured at the tattoo.</p><p>Taken aback, Gaara fumbled an excuse.</p><p>“It’ll leave a scar,” he said.</p><p>Rasa left the apartment and Gaara leaned against the countertop, feeling boneless. He raised a hand to his temple and then traced the ragged outline of his tattoo with his fingertips. Just like Rasa, Shijima always hated it. She was an orderly woman, and it only served as a reminder of his chaotic past.  Gaara could have certainly afforded the laser treatments to have it removed, but he couldn’t imagine looking in the mirror and not seeing the familiar kanji staring back at him.</p><p>Gaara wandered around the kitchen island and opened one of the drawers. After lifting it out, he peeled off a half-empty carton of cigarettes that was taped securely to the back. He was supposed to be trying to quit again, but over the past few weeks that seemed like a thoroughly lost cause.</p><p>He lit up without bothering to open the windows and then stretched out onto his functional, but incredibly uncomfortable couch. All the decorating had been done for him 9 years ago, and not much had changed. A few plants dotted around brought colour, but there were no real touches of home. He remembered when he’d once seen it as a steppingstone. An intermediate space until he had the money and prestige he needed to ‘be somebody.’ And once he was that somebody, he would find the woman he wanted and make everything up to her. And then they would be “something” together. It was a bold dream, and as usual for him, nothing had worked out.</p><p>Gaara thought of the way Sakura propositioned him at the BBQ place during lunch. That was the <em>old</em> <em>Sakura</em>. The <em>before</em><em> Sasuke</em>, Sakura. The one who joked and flirted and made him feel fucking uncomfortable but alive. She was the first woman he’d ever thought about sleeping with, and by the end of their lunch he would have taken her on the table if he could.  </p><p>Gaara groaned and exhaled a cloud of smoke. He knew the right thing to do was warn her about Sasuke. Even if he did plan to quash the partnership, it was wrong of him to keep it from her. But still, just for a moment, he wanted something to himself. Something <em>for </em>himself. Something his father couldn’t control.</p><p>Just as Gaara pulled free his tie, his cell phone rang. At first, he thought it might be Temari, but when he glanced at the screen saw a pink flower emoji. Suddenly wide awake, he answered the call.</p><p>“Sakura?” His voice was raspy from smoke.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Hey.” He dragged himself into a sitting position. “Everything ok?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’m just tired.” Her voice was soft. There was a long pause and he closed his eyes, listening to the soft sound of her breathing.</p><p>“It’s late,” he finally said. “You should be asleep.”</p><p>“Ok <em>dad</em>.” She chuckled and the sound was warm against his ear. Butterflies in his stomach. “Why aren’t<em> you</em> asleep?”  </p><p>“Never mind that.” Gaara stretched out against the couch again. He tucked the phone more securely between his chin and shoulder, and then folded his arms behind his head. “You sure you’re alright?”</p><p>“Just a little stressed,” she admitted. “Sasuke sent me this text…”</p><p>Gaara felt a lump form in his throat. “What was it about?”</p><p>“He offered to go to couple’s therapy. Can you believe it?”</p><p>Gaara went silent, thinking. What was that fuck up to? If he was in contact, why hadn’t he told her he’d planned to come to Tokyo? Had he changed his mind?</p><p>When Sakura didn’t say anything else, he asked the question. “Is that something you want?”</p><p>“I thought it was. But then… there was something tonight with Sarada and I realised I can’t keep putting her through this.”</p><p>Gaara felt a bit of relief wash over him, but then thought of the little girl who’d looked so scared after breaking a plant pot in his house. “Is she okay? Sarada?”</p><p>“I don’t know. How okay can she be, really?” Sakura sounded strained. “She’s not a baby anymore. I’ve always tried to protect her, but I don’t know what she might have seen or heard between me and Sasuke…”</p><p>“What might she have seen?” Gaara’s tone sharpened. He could only imagine what she endured with him for 10 years, away from her friends and family. And part of that was his fault.</p><p>There was a long stretch of silence before Sakura said anything. “Will you just talk with me a little bit about something else? Until I can sleep again?”</p><p>“What should we talk about?” Gaara extinguished his cigarette against a solid gold coaster on the coffee table.</p><p>“Anything.” Her voice was a little softer. Sweeter. “What’d you have for dinner?”</p><p>“Canned coffee…” Gaara scratched his head as he struggled to remember. “Convenience store croquette.”</p><p>“Honestly!?” she laughed shrill into his ear. “I can’t believe you still eat like a teenager. God, how are you alive?”</p><p>Gaara smiled. There was something about the sound of her voice and laugh that was infectious.</p><p>“A bit of willpower, a bit of canned coffee,” he joked.   </p><p>“Can you hold on a sec? I’ll call you right back!” Sakura chirped.</p><p>The call disconnected before Gaara had a chance to respond, but almost immediately another came in, this time, with video. He fumbled to smooth his hair before accepting.</p><p>Sakura came into view, sitting on a fluffy pink bedspread. She was wearing a silky looking red camisole with matching shorts.</p><p>“Sorry, I just got out of the bath.” She smiled as she gestured at her hair, wrapped up in a green towel.</p><p>“No, you look…fine,” Gaara said. <em>And you’re totally not sorry.</em></p><p>“Ah, you’ve always had a way with words.” She teased, and he could see her grin held something cheeky in it. “It’s much nicer when we can see each other, don’t you think?”</p><p>She uncrossed her legs and Gaara watched with interest as she stretched against the sheets. Though he certainly wasn’t the most observant when it came to women, Gaara could tell by the subtle arching of her back that Sakura wasn’t just making a casual adjustment.</p><p>“Did you call to talk or to tease?”</p><p>“A little of both, maybe.” She smiled, but Gaara noticed a bit of pink on her cheeks. “<em>Sorry. </em>I like talking to you. And I like the way you look at me when I talk to you.”</p><p>“And how do I look at you?”</p><p>Gaara watched her pull the towel from her hair and shake out the damp strands. When she sat up on her knees and moved a little closer to the camera, he could see rivulets of water sliding down her neck, over her collarbone, and down between her breasts. He usually hated video calls, but this was a <em>very</em> good one.</p><p>“Like you want to eat me.” Sakura’s voice took on a subtle huskiness that he decided he really liked. But then there was a beat, and she covered her cheeks with both hands. “<em>Sorry</em>,” she apologised again, in that same cute way that told him she really wasn’t sorry at all.</p><p>Gaara propped his phone up on the table against a very expensive, very empty fruit bowl, and leaned back against the couch again.</p><p>“Why are you sorry?” he lit another cigarette to give himself something G-rated to do with his hands but found himself too enthralled with Sakura to actually smoke it.</p><p>“I’m still a married woman.” She folded her hands in her lap, an innocent gesture that pushed her breasts together and her cleavage, towards him.</p><p>“In name only,” he corrected. “You haven’t been his for a while now, have you?”</p><p>A little smile stretched itself over Sakura’s lips, and Gaara tapped the ash from the tip of his cigarette before taking a slow drag in. He was getting hard watching her and needed something acrid to take his mind off her sweetness.</p><p>“That’s true.” She shifted on the bed again so that she lay on her side. The red silk of her camisole rode up, exposing a sliver of midriff, and Gaara immediately homed in on it.<em> Did she feel as soft as she looked? </em>He wondered.<em> How would she taste?</em></p><p>“How long has it been?” he asked.</p><p>“What? Since he touched me?” Sakura slid a hand under the gap between clothes and flesh to touch herself. Gaara watched her tongue trace her lower lip as she trailed her hand higher. “Or since I’ve touched myself?”</p><p>He exhaled and was surprised by how loud it sounded in the quiet room.</p><p>“You look hungry again,” Sakura said, singsong.</p><p>Gaara’s breath quickened as soon as she cupped her breast and he burned his fingertips on the stub of his cigarette. Had she always been so dangerous?</p><p>“Wait-</p><p>“Don’t say stop.” Sakura smirked. “You can’t start flirting with me and then change your mind just when things get good.”</p><p>“I just think there are things we should talk about. About <em>before.</em> With <em>us</em>.”</p><p>Sakura sat up straight and let her top fall back into place. “You know, I remember a time when you hated talking about the past.”</p><p>She was still smiling, but Gaara wasn’t an idiot. Past the little smirk and heady lust, there was a weariness there as well. As horny as he was, it gave him pause.</p><p>“I don’t want things to get complicated.”</p><p>“It doesn’t have to be complicated.” Sakura gently rebuffed him. “Like I said, I know you have a great life now and I don’t want to ruin anything for you. I can keep a secret. You know that.”</p><p>There was something pointed in the way she said the last bit, but all Gaara could focus on was the way the fingers of her right hand made lazy circles on the inside of her thigh. Kiba had told him once – <em>while wasted, as usual </em>– that there were some women you just couldn’t help but have a connection to.  According to him, it was pure animal instinct and your body wouldn’t let it rest until you fucked. Gaara rarely thought Kiba was right about anything, but this just might have been the one.</p><p>
  <em>“…If you have additional needs, you should be able to satisfy them, providing you’re discreet.”</em>
</p><p>He heard Rasa’s voice in his head and thought of the stack of folders he’d left behind on the kitchen counter. His father was right. He wasn’t a child anymore. He was a man with duties and responsibilities and expectations – of himself and of others.</p><p>But still, there were desires. And if she wanted to give herself to him again, this time he would take her.</p><p>“I guess we should call it a night then?” Sakura cocked her head to the side and Gaara swept his gaze over her body again. The curve of her waist, her teeth pressing against her bottom lip, her nipples stiff against the thin fabric of her top.</p><p>“Lie down,” he said.</p><p>“H-hm?” Sakura seemed shocked by the sudden order, but sat back on her heels, waiting for him to repeat himself.</p><p>This time, Gaara made sure to hold eye contact firmly with the camera.</p><p>“Lie down on your back and put your fingers in your mouth.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah, childhood trauma and its manifestations. This chapter was so hard to write for various reasons!! I think I re-wrote it a million times. It was important to me to do three things: bring a perspective on Sarada's feelings, a bit of Sasuke/Sakura background, and a subtle (or not so subtle, Lmao) progression between Sakura and Gaara. </p><p>Rebellion and taking back control is a strong theme with these two, but is this the way to deal with it? Who knows... ;-)</p><p>Next chapter, lots of sexual tension and we learn that some old friendships really aren't as perfect as they seem.</p><p>As usual, thanks for reading and drop a review if you like!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Cherries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heya! Back from the dead again. Here's Chapter 9 for you. Some NSFW-ish stuff in this one, but nothing outrageous.  Yet.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The prospect of family never interested Gaara.</p><p>The more people you had in your life, the more complicated it became.</p><p>But as much as he tried not to care about everyday domesticity, it seemed to haunt him anyway.  Naruto’s loudmouthed optimism was infectious, and there was hardly a night when their college flat wasn’t filled with his friends. Gaara didn’t quite know how it happened, but somehow, they became his friends, too. Instead of hiding out in his room and drinking himself to sleep, he spent evenings after work lamenting adulthood with Kiba or watching action movies with Naruto and Lee.</p><p>But of all the nightly visitors, Gaara looked forward to Sakura the most. In the beginning he mostly pretended to hate it, but eventually they fell into a rhythm of their own. When everyone went home for the night, they would stay together and chat shit. He liked to listen to her voice – the way it went high and fast when talked about judo or new clinical studies, and the sultry low tones that came when she drank a little too much.  </p><p>He liked <em>her</em>, and for whatever reason, she seemed to like him too. It wasn’t embarrassing to talk to her about plants or his lack of desire to be a corporate slave. Sakura might pinch and joke and tease, but she always listened. No judgement.  </p><p>Gaara knew it was partly a crush. He found Sakura attractive, and she was the only woman who paid him any real attention, even if it was due her own neglect. However, like most of his emotions, it was something to be kept firmly tamped down. The teasing and touching and wildness of the apartment was fun, but outside those four walls, fun couldn’t last forever.  </p><hr/><p>“Well, well, well, Mr. Scholar.” Sakura’s voice entered the bedroom. “Top of your class, I heard. Sasuke was <em>pissed</em>.”  </p><p>“Whatever.” Gaara didn’t look up but could only barley conceal a smirk. There was something smugly satisfying about knowing he’d eclipsed Sasuke in the Finance department class rank.</p><p>“Oh, don’t act like you don’t love it.”</p><p>The sound of the bedroom door clicking shut made Gaara lift his head, and as soon as he saw Sakura, he swallowed his gum.</p><p>It was an outfit he’d never seen before – a dress that looked more like lingerie than anything – thin straps, a low cut, and shimmery silk that somehow managed to scream sex without clinging to her body.</p><p>She did a slow, full turn, grinning. “You like?”</p><p>“You look…<em>different</em>.” Gaara leaned back in his chair and tried his best to look casual. Sakura laughed.  </p><p>“I think you mean hot. I look <em>hot</em>.” She used both hands to fluff her hair. Gaara usually saw it up in a messy ponytail or bun, but now it fell in shiny, beachy waves down her back.</p><p>The word ‘hot’ was too simple. A little vulgar, even. What he meant was <em>gorgeous</em>.</p><p>Still, Gaara refused to be goaded into giving compliments. He shrugged. “You clean up well, I guess.”</p><p>“Asshole.” Sakura stepped out of her heels and kicked her leg out to strike him in the shoulder, but Gaara was faster. He caught her foot in both hands and held tight. It wasn’t as dainty as he expected. Her soles were calloused, and her toenails donned chipped teal polish.</p><p>“Ditz,” he shot back. Laughing, Sakura hopped forward until she could safely plop herself down onto his desk. Once she was safely seated, Gaara released his hold.   </p><p>“You know, it’s not too late for you to come tonight,” she said once she’d calmed herself. “I’ll save you a dance.”</p><p>Gaara scoffed. “You really think I’d be caught dead at something like that?”</p><p>Though there was something enticing about the thought of her in his arms, in that dress, it was the notion of others around – seeing him soft – that made Gaara uneasy.</p><p>Sakura rolled her eyes. “It’s for <em>charity.</em> Research for little kids with cancer. Are you really that cold-hearted?”</p><p>She pushed her lips into a pout, and Gaara swore she did it not only out of petulance, but to drive him crazy. As usual lately, a problematic urge to kiss her surfaced, and he turned back to his book to try and stifle it.</p><p>“Cold as ice.”</p><p>“Is it because you can’t dance? I bet that’s the real reason.”</p><p>Sakura chuckled and from his periphery, Gaara watched her swing her legs back and forth. The gold silk of her dress crept up with each little move, higher and higher up her thigh. He reached into his drawer, pulled out a half-empty pack of Nicorette, and popped one of the pieces into his mouth.</p><p>God, he missed smoking. </p><p>“Get off my desk.”</p><p>“I could teach you, you know.” She leaned over and extended a hand. “Try me.”</p><p>“I <em>said</em>—</p><p>“Oh come on…” Sakura pouted again and he could feel something inside him start to shift. Her red lips quirked up at the edges – little by little – and then bloomed into a toothy grin.</p><p>“Pretty please…”</p><p>Gaara sighed. Who was he kidding? When she smiled like that, he could never deny her anything.</p><p>He let Sakura drag him to his feet. “Step on my toes and we’re done.”</p><p>“Good boy.” She murmured close to his ear, and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.</p><p>“Hand here, and this one here.” Sakura gently guided his hand on her hip, and then laced the other with hers. He could feel callouses on the pads of her fingertips and the backs of her knuckles, probably from judo, maybe from punching Sasuke. He<em> hoped</em> from punching Sasuke.</p><p>“What do you think you’ll do after graduation?” she asked as they moved together in the small empty space between his bed and desk. She took control as usual, guiding his steps past piles of books and empty moving boxes.</p><p>“I…don’t know. Grad school? MBA?” He looked up from their feet to see Sakura smirking back at him.</p><p>“Grad school? <em>Puh-lease</em>. Not without me nagging you.”</p><p>He smiled. “So you admit you’re a nag?”</p><p>Sakura frowned and turned her head to look at the cactus above his bead. “You should do something with plants. You’re so talented with them. Sakura Two’s looking amazing, as usual.”</p><p>“<em>Sakura Two</em>?” Gaara raised a brow.</p><p>“Oh yeah. You’ve gotta name your houseplants, dummy,” she said, and for a moment looked wistful.</p><p>Her father liked plants, too, he remembered. Her dead father.</p><p>Gaara gave her hip a gentle squeeze. “You should take it home and care for it.”</p><p>Sakura shook her head. “I can’t keep anything alive. She’s better off with you.”</p><p><em>Probably</em>, he thought, but then shrugged. He could hardly pay attention to anything she was saying when her hips were swaying against his.  </p><p>“It would be great if we could keep doing this forever,” Sakura said.</p><p>“Doing what?” Gaara studied her face. Though he liked when she didn’t wear makeup, there was something special about the extra bit of colour on her eyelids and cheeks.</p><p>“You know, <em>this.</em>” She shrugged her shoulders to gesture at the space around them. “After this year, we’re real adults. Naruto’s probably going to move in with Hinata, and Sasuke and I…”</p><p>Sakura trailed off, and again, Gaara tightened up his hold on her.</p><p>“Yeah?” he pressed. Sakura stopped her feet and pulled back a bit to see his face. </p><p>“We’ll move in together, too. He wants to buy another place in Azabu.” Her eyes searched his, as if looking for approval.</p><p>Gaara just raised his brows. “<em>Fancy</em>.”</p><p>“I’ll have you over all the time, though,” she added with a grin. “Knowing Sasuke, it’ll be massive. So you can keep me from killing the plants I need to fill the space.”</p><p>“You really think he’d like me being around?” he asked, but already knew the answer.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t he?” Sakura laid her head to rest against Gaara’s shoulder, and when her chest pressed to his he could feel her heartbeat. “You’re my friend, so he should be your friend too.”</p><p>Gaara wanted to tell her off but bit his tongue. She was so sensitive about Sasuke, and no amount of chiding from him would change that. In the end, she was right – they’d all be moving out soon and going their separate ways. Everyone else seemed to have plans with other people, and suddenly it felt like things were slipping away too fast.</p><p>“Listen, Sakura…I’ve been thinking.” Tentatively, Gaara slid his hand down to the small of her back.   </p><p>Her body felt different. Usually she was rail thin on some sort of smoothie diet, but over the past few weeks she seemed healthier – almost glowing. He didn’t quite know what he wanted to say but holding her like that was chipping away at something inside him.</p><p>“Mm?”</p><p>“Are you really serious about…”</p><p>He hesitated and Sakura urged him on with a gentle smile.</p><p>“About?”</p><p>Gaara shook his head they moved together a little longer in silence until he finally had enough. Usually he would have hung in longer just for her touch, but there was something about the dress and the dance and the house in Azabu that got under his skin.</p><p>Sakura looked surprised when he dropped his arms from around her waist but then corrected the reaction with another sweet smile.</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Don’t wait up.” She winked but hesitated when Gaara didn’t look at her head on. “Gaara?”</p><p>“<em>What?”</em></p><p>Sakura looked the most insecure he’d ever seen her then, holding onto the door frame with both hands, her body half in and out of his space.</p><p>“It’s like I said. If you change your mind…” She paused to slip back into her heels. “I’ll save you a dance.”</p><hr/><p>It was after 3 in the morning when she showed up again. This time, in his bed. A subtle warmth on his back. Teasing there at first, then lower, caressing his chest, his tummy, the soft red hairs leading a trail into his boxers.   </p><p>“Gaara wake up.” A soft voice murmured against his neck. “Dance with me.”</p><p>“Sakura…” he moaned first, half asleep, but when the hand made contact with its target, nearly jumped out of his skin.</p><p>
  <em>“Sakura!?”</em>
</p><p>Gaara fumbled to turn on the bedside lamp and saw her. Gold dress, beachy waves, eyes red rimmed from crying. </p><p>“Turn it off.” Sakura curled against him, a pathetic, booze-scented tangle of arms and legs. “Let’s go to bed.”</p><p>Gaara ignored the plea, and instead forced her to sit up. “What did he do this time?” he growled.</p><p>They didn’t usually talk about Sasuke, but there was something about how devastated she looked that made him seethe with anger.  </p><p>“One…thing. I ask…asked him for this one fucking thing, and he couldn’t even do it for me. Just like fucking show up.”</p><p>For anyone else it was just a dance, but Gaara knew that for Sakura, it was everything. Sasuke might have ignored her and slept with other girls, but to show up with him on her arm in front of everyone would prove something. It would be her trump card.</p><p>“He’s never going to show up for you, Sakura.” Gaara put both hands on her shoulders in an attempt to stabilize her. “The sooner you realise that the better. He’s not capable of anything good.”</p><p>“I just want him… to be like… fucking nice to me.” She slumped into his chest. “All those other girls… I bet he’s gentle. But with me it’s always…he always…”</p><p>Gaara felt Sakura tremble against him, and he held her at arm’s length to get a better look at her face. There was a sullenness he wasn’t familiar with.</p><p>“What?” he pressed. “What does he do?”</p><p>Sakura slipped her arms around his neck and brought him back down on the mattress.  “Nothing I don’t deserve.”</p><p>“I’ll let you do it too,” she said close to his face. Her breath reeked of alcohol. “Whatever you want.”</p><p>“I’ll get us some water.” Gaara tried to push her away, but Sakura locked herself more firmly to his body.</p><p>“I don’t want water.” She nuzzled his neck. “And neither do you. You want… my tight, little—”</p><p>“I want you to fucking leave him!” Gaara shouted in her face.</p><p>Sakura stared back at him, her gaze glassy and unfocused. The quiet that settled between them was intense. He never raised his voice to her – to anyone.</p><p>
  <em>‘Don’t hate me, don’t hate me.’</em>
</p><p>For a moment Gaara thought she might cry – the way she usually did when things went wrong, but instead a slow smile stretched across her lips.</p><p>Sakura unwound her arms from his neck and dropped onto her back, giggling.</p><p>“Silly…” She nudged him with the heel of her foot. “You are so…fucking… <em>silly</em>. Where the fuck would I be without Sasuke?”</p><p>She stretched herself against his duvet and Gaara couldn’t help but think about how good she looked in his bed. Like she belonged there. The dim glow of his lamp illuminated not only her body, but also the unpacked cardboard boxes littered around the room. They didn’t have many months left together before school ended and they’d have to find their way out in the real world. Soon she would go off to a life with Sasuke – a life full of money and parties and things he couldn’t ever imagine being able to give her.  </p><p>Gaara never cared about any of that stuff before. He worked because he had to, and only studied because it gave him a place to stay. He wondered if it was the same for Sakura – if maybe the reason she clung to Sasuke was because she thought she had nothing better going.</p><p>
  <em>‘Idiot.’</em>
</p><p>“You could go anywhere.” He stroked his hands up and down her arms. “Do anything.”</p><p>“Or <em>anyone</em>,” Sakura lifted a leg and slid it along his side. Gaara followed it with his gaze for a moment, but then lowered his mouth to kiss her calf. Sakura gasped out in surprise, but she shifted her hips on the bed, angling more of herself towards him.</p><p>“I fucking knew it.” She bared her teeth in a Cheshire cat grin. “You fucking <em>do</em> want to fuck me.”</p><p>He did. <em>God, he did</em>, but more than that, he wanted her to understand. She made him want to do things he’d never done before. Be <em>good</em>. Be soft. Be in love.</p><p>“You have no idea how perfect you are.” He kissed again, a little higher, just above her knee. “You deserve to be treated with respect, Sakura.”</p><p>The haughty smile on her lips faded. “Stop. Don’t say that stuff.”</p><p>“Why?” he demanded. “Because he won’t?”</p><p>Sakura started to turn her face to the side, but Gaara caught it in one hand. He felt her breath coming a little harder and her chest rising and falling a little faster.</p><p>“You’re smart,” he continued, this time tasting a spot behind her ear. “…and caring.”  He punctuated each word with a kiss. “…and beautiful.”</p><p>“Gaara don’t—</p><p>His lips cut her short.</p><p>Instead of resisting the way he’d feared, Sakura parted her lips to let him taste her fully. A little sugary, but sharp with alcohol. Gaara moved one hand into her hair, the other holding her firm against the mattress. He'd never kissed anyone before, never really thought about it, but with her it felt like something he'd known how to do all his life.</p><p>When they broke for breath her eyes were doe wide.</p><p>"Shit. I really thought you’d taste like an ashtray.”</p><p>“I’m trying to quit,” he said, and there was a hint of bashfulness that Sakura rooted out right away.</p><p>“For me, huh?” She grinned and the tips of Gaara’s ears pinkened.</p><p>“You’re so fucking sweet.” She reached up to cup his face in her hands. “Why the fuck are you so fucking sweet?”</p><p>This time she leaned in and moaned quietly when Gaara pressed his body into hers. He shifted her on the bed ungracefully – as if he were positioning a sack of flour – and kicked a pile of books to the side so that their bodies were in line. Her leg came up to wrap around his waist and suddenly it felt hot. Too hot.</p><p>Sakura’s hands worked their way under his shirt, and Gaara’s mind went wild with thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>What were they doing? What did this mean? Would she be his girlfriend? What about Sasuke and Azabu? Did he even have a condom?</em>
</p><p>Her kind of touch was foreign to him – raw, intense. He was hard and everything about her felt so warm, so soft. Suddenly he could feel himself sweating, and when his hand trembled against the zipper on her dress, Sakura covered it with hers.</p><p>A tender smile crept over her lips. “Are you a virgin?”</p><p>A lump formed in Gaara’s throat, but Sakura massaged it way with another kiss. Her eyes were sparkling again, this time with a hungry fascination.</p><p>“It’s okay.” She pushed up onto her elbows. “We’ll go slow.”</p><p>Gaara let her undress him.</p><p>Shirt first, then sweatpants, ignoring her little hiccups and giggles. Though she commanded him with her words, Gaara was the one to help steady her hips in his lap. He stared wide-eyed at the woman straddling him – a goddess in gold.  </p><p>“Relax,” she cooed. “Give me your hand.”</p><p>When he didn’t move right away, Sakura lifted his palm and nuzzled it against her cheek. Gaara watched in fascination she continued, kissing and nipping at his fingertips. When he brushed the tip of his thumb against her bottom lip, immediately, she opened her mouth to receive it. His breath quickened as soon as she started to suck him in, rolling her tongue over the rough pads of his fingertips, wetting them. He couldn’t think – couldn’t speak – could only wonder how it would feel to have those lips, that tongue, <em>everywhere.</em></p><p>Once they were slick, she guided them down her body, under the hem of her dress, up between her thighs. Instead of the barrier of fabric he expected, Gaara felt warm, wet skin.</p><p>“<em>Fuck.</em> Sakura…”</p><p>He flexed his fingertips to sink in and she gasped.</p><p>“Gaara...”</p><p>Just as Sakura leaned in to capture his lips again, the sound of the front door slamming shut echoed loud in the tiny apartment.</p><p>Naruto’s drunken warble came shortly afterward. "Gaaaaraaaaaa! I'm wasted and staaaaaaaaaarving! Let's order takeout!"</p><p>“Don’t be so loud, idiot,” another voice grumbled. Deeper. Familiar. “Where is she?”</p><p>Sakura froze. Gaara watched her face pale, and something tick in her eyes as realisation set in. Desperate, Gaara removed his hand from between her thighs and caught her by the waist.</p><p>“Wait—he’s drunk. He won’t come in. We can just…”</p><p>“Fuck. <em>Shit</em>. He…he’s gonna fucking murder me…” Sakura raked her hands through her hair and made a choked sound before wrenching away. The once heavy footsteps slowed, and she jumped down from the bed in a frantic huff.</p><p>Still half-hard, Gaara yanked on his sweats and shirt and followed as she threw open the bedroom door. He was just in time to watch her stumble into Naruto as he rounded the corner.</p><p>"Sakura-chan!" Naruto caught her with both hands and threw a smirk over his shoulder. “Told ya she’d be here.” From the rosiness of his cheeks, Gaara could tell he was deep in the bottle as well, and oblivious to the tension surrounding him. To his right, Sasuke stood with his hands in his pockets. He was clearly sober, and looked sharp in a dark, tailored suit.   </p><p>"Ran into this asshole on the way back." Naruto leaned against the wall, and Gaara could tell it was a last-ditch effort to keep from keeling over. “He was looking for you.”</p><p>"Looking for <em>me</em>?” Sakura’s eyes welled. “I was waiting there for hours, Sasuke! <em>Alone!</em> Like an idiot!”</p><p>“I had other things on my plate.” He checked his watch. “I said I’d come. A shame you couldn’t have waited.”</p><p>Gaara locked eyes with Sasuke from across the room. He wasn’t looking at Sakura anymore. Instead, he zeroed in on his face and after a moment, the open bedroom door behind him.</p><p>“Well…I felt sick. Had to… get, get home." Sakura mumbled.</p><p>Gaara watched her blink rapidly against the fluorescent hallway lighting. Her hair was a mess, the straps of her dress slipping down, her body swaying. He felt ashamed. Had he really been planning to sleep with her like that?</p><p>“You look healthy to me.” Sasuke looked from Sakura’s face to Gaara’s, frowning. “Looks like you were having your own little party here.”</p><p>Sakura's shoulders suddenly slumped, and she stepped forward to put distance between them. “I was locked out of the apartment. Gaara let me wait here. He was helping.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m sure he was.” Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her.  </p><p>“Sasuke come on…” Naruto hiccupped. “Let’s all go to bed. Or have a drink. Or… whatever.”</p><p>“Sakura, you can stay here. You don’t have to go.” Gaara tried to reach for her, but she pulled both hands up to cover her chest.</p><p>Sasuke leaned in close to Sakura’s face.</p><p>“Is that what you want?” He lifted both hands from his pockets and cupped her face.</p><p>From anyone else it might have seemed like an innocent touch, but when Gaara watched it, all he saw was the possibility of violence. Just as he was about to step in, Sakura grabbed onto Sasuke’s arms with both hands.  </p><p>“You’re what I want.” She squeezed him. “I would never leave you alone.”</p><p>Instead of shrugging her off, Sasuke pulled Sakura strongly into a hug. Gaara felt helpless watching it – the way Sasuke stroked her back and murmured something inaudible against the crown of her head. He very rarely saw him give Sakura any affection, and for some reason it bothered him almost as much as the disrespect.</p><p>“Sakura, it’s safe to stay here.” Gaara tried again. “I’ll take the couch and…”</p><p>Sasuke combed through Sakura’s hair with his fingers, smoothing it gently into place behind her ears. It was like Gaara wasn’t there anymore – like he didn’t exist.  </p><p>"I’m fine, Gaara.”  Sakura said, but when she turned to face him, her eyes were wet. “Thanks for the help.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks for all your help,” Sasuke mocked and laced his fingers with Sakura’s before leading them both outside.</p><p>The door slammed behind them and as if on cue, Naruto slumped to the floor in a drunken heap, leaving Gaara alone in the quiet.</p><hr/><p>
  <strong>Present Day</strong>
</p><hr/><p>He couldn’t get her out of his head.</p><p>One minute they were talking about convenience store croquettes and Sarada, and the next she was ready to strip for him. Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her on the pink bedspread, hips angled towards the camera, teeth pressing down on her lower lip.</p><p>Though Gaara insisted she keep her clothes on, it was clear enough what her fingers were doing under the flimsy silk fabric of her shorts.</p><p>
  <em>Slower.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Faster.</em>
</p><p><em>Two fingers- no, three</em>.</p><p>
  <em>Do you like it? Tell me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tell me.</em>
</p><p>Once he started, Gaara couldn’t keep the words from spilling out. He wasn’t usually concerned about taking charge when it came to sex, but there was something about her brave obedience that drove him wild.</p><p>He could hear her voice in his head. Moaning. Whimpering. Begging. And when she came close to orgasm, to <em>see him.</em> </p><p>It took everything in Gaara not to touch himself, and it was only by the grace of God he’d somehow managed to keep his tone level in reply.</p><p>
  <em>“Not tonight,” he’d said. “The next time we see each other, you’ll take it in your mouth. On your knees.”</em>
</p><p>“You pervert.” Gaara put his head in his hands.</p><p>“What was that, Gaara-sama?” Yukata twirled in through the door to his office with a smile. Gaara slid his chair in close to the desk to hide himself from her.</p><p>“Nothing. I…” he rubbed his temple with one hand. “Just thinking about a phone call.”</p><p>“Oh, okay. Well, Miss Shijima is coming by soon. She’s preparing for your meeting on Monday with Uchiha-san and needs you to go over—.”</p><p>“Sorry, what?”</p><p>Yukata cleared her throat and raised her voice. “I said she’s <em>preparing</em>—!</p><p>“No.” Gaara waved her off. “I mean I thought I sent a memo about cancelling that business as soon as possible. I recommended another firm I thought would be more suitable.”</p><p>“Right. Well, your father cancelled that cancellation.” Yukata hid her face with the clipboard. “Sorry Gaara-sama. He was actually<em> really</em> angry and…”  </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>.” Gaara opened the emails on his laptop to see a message from his father, sent in the early hours of the morning. It was a forwarded appointment for a meeting with himself and Shijima.</p><p>
  <strong>Subject line: Control Yourself  </strong>
</p><p>“And Uchiha-san left a message with me, actually.” Yukata pulled a piece of paper from the top of her clipboard. “He says he’s ‘very much looking to catch up after so long,’ and he ‘hopes you’ve been enjoying the cherries from Hokkaido, because they have a very short shelf life.’”</p><p>Gaara sat rigid at his desk. It was a thinly veiled threat if he’d ever heard one.</p><p>“<em>Super </em>nice of him to gift you cherries.” Yukata slid the memo onto his desk with a smile. “Didn’t know Hokkaido had a special kind.”</p><p>Gaara thought of Sakura’s face and how beautiful she’d looked in ecstasy. Suddenly, he was seeing that image again, but with Sasuke’s hands wrapped tightly around her throat.</p><p>“Did he leave a number where I can reach him?” Gaara asked. The last thing he wanted was to speak to Sasuke directly, but it was long past the time to be a coward.</p><p>“Yes, of course.” Yukata pulled another bit of paper from her pile and handed it over. “Direct line.”</p><p>Gaara stared at the number for a moment before picking up his landline.</p><p>“Oh, you might want to wait,” Yukata said. “Your sister’s here.”</p><p>“My sister?” Gaara was genuinely surprised.</p><p>Though Kankuro would pop in once a month or so – usually for a favour – Temari made it a point never to visit him at the office.</p><p>Something happened to her in adulthood. As children, she and Kankuro had been staunchly loyal to Rasa, but now she did everything to distance herself from Rasa. While Gaara assumed Kankuro still played the game for help financing his nightclubs, as soon as she was married, Temari refused any assistance at all. Of course, Gaara figured it was easier to divorce yourself from privilege when you’d already reaped most of the rewards.  </p><p>“Mmhm.” Yukata walked to the door and made a gesture to someone outside the door. Temari stepped in, dressed for work in a well-tailored cream suit, and matching heels.</p><p>“Is she new? She’s very sweet.” Temari smiled at Yukata’s retreating form as she left them to talk.</p><p>“Yukata’s been with me for years.” Gaara reclined a little in his chair. “Is everything okay?”</p><p>“I should ask you that.” Temari smirked. “You look exhausted.”</p><p>“Long night.” Gaara grabbed a piece of Nicorette gum from a pot on his desk and popped it in his mouth. It was yet another half-assed attempt at quitting, made even more difficult by the previous night’s events.</p><p>“It still blows my mind that you work here, you know.” she sighed and Gaara rolled his eyes. He could tell where the conversation was going and wasn’t in the mood.</p><p>“Temari, I don’t have time for this today.”</p><p>She put her hands on her hips and moved around the office, taking in the lines of business awards and certificates on his shelves.</p><p>“I’m just <em>saying</em>.” She gestured at the wall. “All this for him. After everything he’s done to you?”</p><p>“You mean <em>for</em> me,” Gaara corrected.</p><p>Temari turned on her heel to face him. With her makeup light and her hair down, she reminded Gaara of old photos he’d seen of his mother. He had to look away.</p><p>“You’re his son,” she snapped. “It’s not enough for him to give you a stupid job. Let alone force you to break your back over it.”</p><p>“Well we can’t all marry into money, can we?” Gaara muttered.</p><p>When he looked up at her over his paperwork, Temari’s face was red and her lips pressed together in a thin line.</p><p>It was a low blow. Gaara didn’t have anything against Shikamaru – he liked him, really – but he was getting sick of Temari’s self-righteousness.</p><p>He expected Temari to snap at him, but instead she let out a soft sigh.</p><p>“We have another appointment next week. I want you to come with us to a family session.”</p><p>Gaara sighed. Again with the drama.</p><p>“Temari…” Gaara looked down at his phone to distract himself. “I can appreciate if you and Kankuro have unresolved issues, but I’m perfectly fine.”</p><p>He couldn’t begin to picture either one spilling their secrets to a therapist, but they weren’t at all the siblings he remembered from childhood. Not the ones who taunted him when he wet himself after being locked in the hallway closet for hours or teamed up to tattle on him for any childhood misstep. They were different now, and so was he.</p><p>Gaara imagined the change happened somewhere around university, when the letters first started coming.</p><p>Senior year of college.</p><p>Mostly from Temari, but then eventually Kankuro as well. Postcards from vacations skiing in the alps, an invitation to a club opening, books about childhood trauma, occasional cash…</p><p>He didn’t know how they managed to track him down, and back then he didn’t care. Every card or trinket or check went promptly into the trash.</p><p>“You left for London for six months and you didn’t even say goodbye.” Temari leaned over his desk. “Not to me, or Kankuro, or Shikadai. He looks up to you so much.”</p><p>Shikadai was Sarada’s age, and that was the time when children formed strong impressions of the adults around them. There were things Gaara loved about being around kids, like holding them up to reach the high shelves and cleaning bruises and scrapes and letting them fall asleep in his lap. But the prospect of more than that was scary – of having a living being depend on you so eagerly. Without question.</p><p>Gaara didn’t even like the responsibility of pets, let alone people.</p><p>“We threw that party and I swear if it wasn’t for Sakura, you would have spent the entire night ignoring us.” Temari looked tearful, and Gaara couldn’t stand it. She was the oldest – the fierce one – she wasn’t supposed to cry.</p><p>“Temari, what’s this about all of a sudden?”</p><p>“I just worry about you,” she said. “All the long hours and how you’re never around. You haven’t come by for dinner in ages.”</p><p>“I don’t like to impose. That’s all.” Gaara reassured her.  </p><p>“You’re family, Gaara. You could never impose.”</p><p>Family. The word gave him a headache. He was perfectly fine in his own world, with as few personal obligations as possible.</p><p>“I’ll try harder,” he said, but when Temari didn’t move away, raised a brow.</p><p>“Was there something else?”</p><p>“Yes. A favour.” She pushed a bit of hair behind her ear. “Deidara has a showing next week and if I don’t pin him today, I’m positive he’ll end up on another bender. I know you’re busy so usually I wouldn’t ask, but Shika’s with a client in the city and Kankuro can never—”</p><p>“You need me to pick up Shikadai from summer club?” he finished.</p><p>Temari pressed her hands together in prayer. “Six o’clock. But only If it’s not too much?”</p><p>“It’s fine. I’ll leave a little early.”</p><p>“For once,” she joked, but then squeezed his forearm. “I owe you one.”</p><p>“You don’t.” He lifted her hand away. “We’re family.”</p><hr/><p>“You look funny today.” Sarada yawned as Sakura adjusted the bike helmet strap under her chin.</p><p>“Funny?” She raised her bike seat and then stepped back to admire her old childhood transportation.</p><p>“Like that. All <em>smiley,</em>” Sarada teased. “It’s weird.”</p><p>“You’re so mean!” Sakura rapped on her daughter’s helmet, then lifted her to sit in the wooden basket her mother had attached at the front. “All set?”</p><p>Sarada pouted and turned in the basket. “Why do I have to go to summer club? Why can’t I come with you to work at the flower shop?”</p><p>Sakura’s gaze softened. Sarada was used to spending the summer doing everything together. In the best of times, that meant running up charges on Sasuke’s credit cards buying sweets and toys and designer clothing, but at the worst of times it was Sarada curled beside her while she slept off sedatives, staring into the TV set. They were in a new place now, and Sakura wanted Sarada to have her own life – with her own friends.</p><p>“You’ll love summer club.” Sakura kissed her cheek. “Inojin will be there! And you like him, don’t you?”</p><p>“I do <em>not </em>like Inojin!”</p><p>“Since when?” Sakura frowned, but then smiled when she saw the slightest bit of blush on her daughter’s cheeks. “Oh, I see. Okay. Well…Naruto’s little boy Boruto will be there, and plenty of my friend’s kids. I’m sure they’re all lovely.”</p><p>“What about Gaara’s kids?” Sarada asked. The question was an innocent one but made Sakura pause.</p><p>“Gaara doesn’t have children.” She strapped on her own helmet and swung her leg over the bike. Though she tried to seem confident, suddenly her limbs felt like jelly. One mention of Gaara and all she could hear was the low timbre of his voice, gently coaxing her through to orgasm.</p><p>Ten years was a long time, and he certainly wasn’t the same dour virgin she used to poke fun at.  </p><p>“Why?” Sarada’s voice brought her back to reality.</p><p>“You’d…have to ask him.” She smoothed her hair back with both hands. “Not everyone wants children, Sarada.”</p><p>Sakura looked towards the house. Her mother came into view in the doorway, a proud smile on her lips. Despite all the fussing and bad history, she liked to see her that way. As if everything was normal again.</p><p>“Have a good day, you two.” Mebuki waved.</p><p>“You too, mom.”</p><p>Sakura kicked off the ground and worked into a steady pedal on the sidewalk before merging onto the road. It was much different riding as an adult. When she was a kid, she’d take risks and push the limits of speed and strength. With Sarada as precious cargo, Sakura took each corner gently, stopped at every light, and signalled dutifully.</p><p>“Faster!” Sarada called from the front.</p><p>“Hold on with both hands!”</p><p>Sarada’s laugh gave her a burst of energy. She shifted into a larger gear and pedalled hard until they were flying down the road together at top speed, bombing past the hospital and the recycling centre, only slowing as they approached the school gates.</p><p>“Sakura-chan!” Naruto waved from a line of other parents near the entrance of the gymnasium. She scanned the crowd to see Sai, Shikamaru, Choji, and others guiding their children through the gates. At the check-in desk were two faces she hadn’t seen in years – her old Phys Ed. teachers, Guy and Kakashi.</p><p>“Sakura.” Kakashi’s eyes crinkled with mirth when he took her in. “Naruto mentioned you were back in town, but what a surprise.”</p><p>“For me, too.” Sakura folded her arms against her chest when she saw the familiar book, <em>Icha Icha Paradise</em>, tucked into the front of his jacket. “With all the porn and drinking, I totally would have thought you’d be dead by now.”</p><p>She chuckled and Kakashi gave a dark smile. “Hey Guy, I think Sakura’s really missed you.”</p><p>“Of course she has!” Guy dropped his clipboard and before Sakura could manoeuvre away, strong-armed her into a bone breaking hug. “The Mighty Blossom was one of my favourite students! Always bursting with youthful charm!”</p><p>“Mighty Blossom?” Sarada unclipped her helmet and hopped out of the basket. “Who’s that?”</p><p>“That’s your mom,” Kakashi reached down and ruffled her hair. “Sakura used to be a killer at fitness. Led the girls’ judo team.”</p><p>“Mom? Really?” Sarada looked up at her in awe.</p><p>“You have a lot to live up to, small one!” Guy lifted Sarada and tossed her in the air without warning. Though Sakura panicked, Sarada was filled with laughter.</p><p>“She looks just like him,” Kakashi said once he’d checked a name off on their list. “Sasuke never seemed like the fatherly type, but you’ve really changed him, huh?”</p><p>“Me?” Sakura shook her head. “No, Sasuke’s always wanted a big family.”</p><p>Kakashi shrugged. “That certainly explains the generous yearly donations.”</p><p>“Donations…” Sakura smiled, but tried not to look too clueless. “Of course.”</p><p>“Naruto and Iruka wouldn’t have been able to keep summer programs like these going without it. You’ll have to tell Sasuke thanks.”  </p><p>Sakura looked past Kakashi to where Naruto was separating Boruto and Inojin. <em>Right.</em></p><p>Guy checked off a name on the sheet and then shooed Sarada through the gates. “Go on through, Sarada-chan.”</p><p>He turned to face Sakura. “We’re planning to take some of the kids to some fireworks this evening, Mighty Blossom. If you can meet us back here at 6, we’ll all walk together.”</p><p>Though thrown by Kakashi’s comment, the mention of fireworks momentarily eased Sakura’s tension. Since she was with Sasuke, she hadn’t indulged in the old family tradition at all.</p><p>“Yeah.” She nodded, but her gaze drifted back through the gates to where Naruto waved both hands over his head at her, oblivious. “That sounds nice.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heavy on the flashback this chapter, but probably only two more chapters of it before hopefully everything clicks into place a little more. </p><p>Also, Sasuke is coming to get his cherries back. Yiiiiikes.</p><p>This story is filled with such a mix of messy people and I love it, but I think my next story will definitely be more fluffy Gaara x Sakura to wash away my angsty sins! lol!</p><p>Thank you for everyone leaving kudos and your lovely reviews. Hope you enjoy this!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Kakegori</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a long time coming! It was a rough time for me in 2020 and this chapter was so hard for me to write for some reason (maybe that's why it's so crazy long), but here's hoping you enjoy it. Thanks to everyone dropping kudos and reviews. It's really wonderful :-) Happy new yeeeaaarrr!</p><p>CW: NSFW-ish at the end of the chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mebuki and Kizashi were textbook romantics.</p><p>Corny, warm-hearted idealists.</p><p>When Sakura was young, she didn’t quite get it, but knew deep down she wanted a love just like theirs. Someone who would play with her hair while watching TV and sneak slow, deep kisses when they thought the kids weren’t looking.</p><p>They didn’t act like other parents. There weren’t shouting matches or squabbles over housework. Instead, they went dancing, did date nights, and devoted their time to spoiling her.</p><p>When she was older, after her father died, Sakura decided she didn’t want to be the kind of girl who waited for someone to save her. She would study and push herself and become the kind of woman who could support herself and her mother completely. But the moment her head hit the pillow at night, sweet princes and knights in shining armour filled her dreams. There, men would see her and love her and know that she was something special. There, she would feel complete.</p><p>It was wishful thinking that she and Sasuke would ever fit together. He was sensibility and order and had all the sharp edges that bruised her. He tried – <em>in the beginning, he tried</em> – but Sakura spent her days in front of the television alone and forgot what it felt like to truly be kissed.</p><p>It didn’t matter what she told herself, or how hard she tried to fight it. In the end, Sakura was a romantic too.</p><hr/><p>Things weren’t the same after the night of the dance.</p><p>Final summer at university came in like a lion and the warmth that used to mean running through sprinklers and lazing around in the garden with her parents suddenly meant final exams and the oppressive reality of adulthood.</p><p>Sakura couldn’t sleep. She developed nervous eating habits and gained more weight in one summer than throughout her entire puberty. At first, she thought it was stress – things changing, her misstep with Gaara, her relationship with Sasuke. It wasn’t until the second month late that pregnancy even crossed her mind. She didn’t want to believe it, but after three different tests with the same result, it felt like her life was over. Like the earth was swallowing her whole.</p><p>As usual, she barely had time to process her own thoughts before Sasuke had an answer. She came home from a shadowing shift at the hospital to find him sitting at the dining table, all three of the pregnancy tests lined up in front of him. If nothing, the man had a flair for the dramatic.</p><p>“When were you going to tell me?” Sasuke leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms against his chest.</p><p>He sounded so calm; it was eerie. Sakura didn’t know whether to come up with a lie or just brace herself for the worst.</p><p>“You went through my trash?” She tried deflection but knew immediately that it wasn’t the right plan of attack.</p><p>"Oh, don’t turn this around on me. You’ve been acting like a lunatic lately. At first, I thought you must be seeing that redheaded loser again, but now…”</p><p>Sakura flinched at the reference to Gaara. Sasuke had all but banned her from the apartment, but part of her wondered if it was a blessing in disguise. She didn’t know how she could face him again after her drunken scene. Not when there were so many mixed up thoughts swirling around in her head.</p><p>“Is it even mine?” Sasuke picked up one of the tests and made a gesture to throw it at Sakura’s head but was satisfied enough to see her flinch.  </p><p>“Of course, it’s yours!” she bit back. “And if you didn’t always make such a big fucking deal about condoms I—  </p><p>“Oh, so this is my fault?” Before she knew what was happening, Sasuke was up from his chair and had backed Sakura up against the front door. It clicked shut behind her and her whole body flinched. He hadn’t even raised a hand, but in her head, she went over the possible routes for exit. If he hit her then, her only escape would be to dart for the bedroom or bathroom and barricade herself in.</p><p>
  <em>‘Exhausting.’</em>
</p><p>"I’m not saying that. I’m not.” She put her hands up and then pressed them to his chest. “I only found out last week. There’s still plenty of time for me to take care of it—”</p><p>"Take care of it?" Sasuke pushed her hands away. "This is our kid you're talking about."</p><p>There was a moment of silence, and then Sakura let out a chuckle in pure disbelief. She was surprised to see the pinkness rising in the apples of Sasuke’s cheeks.</p><p>"You can't be serious. It’s our final year. I have to study – I- I’m going to be working for Tsunade…keeping it isn’t an option."</p><p>"Everything’s always about you, isn’t it?” he scoffed, but then wiped a hand over his face. “You know how I feel about family. This is important to me.”</p><p>Sakura sighed out. Suddenly, the summer heat felt particularly oppressive. She was boiling hot in her scrubs, sweating desperately from heat and panic and <em>fuck</em> -- she couldn’t think.</p><p>“We’ll get married,” he tried.</p><p>Three little words. Sakura wouldn’t ever tell anyone, but it was all she ever wanted. A life with him that felt complete. When she looked up, the knit in his brow had dissolved, and his gaze was warm. This was the Sasuke she loved – the Sasuke who let his sharp edges be dulled.</p><p>“We don’t have to do this now.” Sakura tried to lace her fingers through his, but Sasuke let his hand fall limp. “We can plan. We can try again later in a few years when everything’s settled.”</p><p>“This could be the best thing that’s ever happened to us.” He cupped her face in both hands. “We’ll go to Hokkaido together and I’ll work for the home branch. We won’t ever have to think about Tokyo again. I’ll get my full inheritance and you’ll have anything you want. You and the baby.”</p><p>Sakura’s stomach churned. Hokkaido? Marriage? Baby? She knew he’d always wanted to leave Tokyo, but it was all coming too fast. Tears formed at the corner of her eyes, and Sasuke used his thumbs to wipe them away.</p><p>“We’ll be a family together.” He tucked her hair behind her ears. “I thought you wanted that.”</p><p>Sakura cuddled into his chest. It was hard not to feel sorry for Sasuke. He didn't have anyone <em>but</em> her. How could she deny him a chance at a real family?</p><p>"I know it’s been shit – <em>I’ve</em> been shit, but everything will be better when we’re alone together.” he murmured. “I’ll take care of you.”</p><p>When she nodded, Sasuke hugged her tightly and pressed a kiss to the crown of her head.</p><p>It was such a strong promise, but for the first time in her life, Sakura didn't believe it. Still, he kissed her, and it was like nothing they’d had together in a long time. Gentle. Warm. They staggered into bed together and made love, but when she closed her eyes, all she could see was bright red hair and the harsh lines of a shitty ‘Love’ tattoo.</p><p>Hours later, lying awake in the dark, panic set in. The sound of Sasuke’s gentle snoring usually soothed her, but her thoughts raced. How could she leave her friends behind? Her mother behind? <em>Him </em>behind?</p><p>The more that Sakura thought about Gaara, the more out of control she felt. Sure, the scowling shell that housed him was tough, but there was no hiding the softness underneath. He might call her a “baby” or a “princess,” but he was the one who saved her leftover curry and always happened to have a perfectly timed pot of camomile tea ready when she was too scared to go back to Sasuke’s at night.   </p><p>She could tell he tried to hide it, the way she did when she was young, but there was no denying that Gaara was a romantic too.</p><p>Sakura snuck out of bed, threw on the closest bits of clothing she could find, and made a break for the front door. Barely thinking, barely breathing, she ran half a mile barefoot to the block of student apartments she’d spent more time than at her own. To the door with the key under the mat that he always left for her – every night but that night.</p><p>Sweating and panting, she rang the doorbell once, twice, three times before he answered.</p><p>When the door finally opened, Sakura sighed out in relief. She’d forgotten how good it was to see him. The tattoo, the dark red hair, the slight scowl on his lips that faded whenever he spotted her. She grinned wide and fought the urge to throw her arms around his neck.</p><p>"Sakura?" Gaara clutched the doorframe with one hand His gaze scanned every inch of her, no doubt looking for evidence of something horrible. "What’s wrong? What's going on?"</p><p>“Sasuke's leaving!" she spat out, and then before Gaara could process the words, the rest came tumbling behind. "I mean…he has to go to Hokkaido. For the business. He wants me to come too. Soon."</p><p>Gaara seemed shell-shocked. "Hokkaido?"</p><p>"I…" Sakura clutched her sweatshirt over her stomach. There wasn’t a child yet – <em>not really </em>– there was still time to undo everything.</p><p>"I don't know if I want to go. I mean after what happened with us…"</p><p>Sakura searched Gaara’s eyes for understanding, but just the mention of an<em> ‘us’</em> seemed to prickle him. He looked down, and the only working light in the hall cast chilling shadows on his face.</p><p>“Can I come in?” she asked.</p><p>When Gaara didn’t say anything, she tried to take a step forward, but he stayed wedged in the skinny space of the open door.  </p><p>“It’s not a good idea.”           </p><p>Something pinched in Sakura’s chest. She was so hopped up on adrenaline, she hadn’t prepared herself for the possibility of rejection. Suddenly, pain came back to her. Her lungs burned with the effort from sprinting and her feet, peppered with pebbles and other sidewalk debris, felt like two giant blisters.</p><p>"I know I haven't been around in a while…" She tried to smile, tried to be casual, but her hands trembled. "But Sasuke was… I mean I-"</p><p>"It’s not a big deal.” Gaara cut her short. “We’d been spending too much time with each other, anyway.”</p><p>Sakura felt unbearably hot. Sweat slid down the side of her cheek and had her sweatshirt clinging to the small of her back. She was dizzy. His words didn’t make sense and her head was spinning.</p><p>“What?” she panted.</p><p>“It’s been nice to have some space,” he said. “I’m sure it’s been better for you and him, too.”</p><p>“No. No, it’s been terrible.” She stared down at her bare feet. “I’ve been feeling different about things lately. Since we…”</p><p>“Since we <em>what</em>?”</p><p>Sakura jumped at the harshness in his tone. There was none of the dry humour or mildly flirtatious banter she was familiar with.</p><p><em>Tell me you want me</em>, she wanted to say. <em>Tell me you need me here with you.</em></p><p>"I can’t stop thinking about you,” she blurted, and for a split second, Gaara’s expression softened. The seafoam green of his eyes brightened and the tension in his jaw relaxed. Sakura lifted her hand to touch it, but just as the softness came, it went.</p><p>“You need to leave.” He started to close the door on her, but Sakura stuck both hands in the gap.</p><p>“Please! Just…I don’t know what to do. I’m…” Tears sprung in her eyes, and though she hated herself for it, the urge to bawl persisted. "Tell me you don’t want me to go. Tell me to stay and I will."</p><p>Gaara gripped the doorframe hard and Sakura could see his fingertips slowly turning white with the pressure.</p><p>“Go home and fix things with your boyfriend. You’ll be fine. You’re always fine, aren’t you?”</p><p>"Gaara <em>please</em>—</p><p>Sakura grabbed onto his shirt and he pushed her back, holding her just outside the door.</p><p>“What the fuck do you want from me?” He snapped.</p><p>Just like that, Sakura felt herself breaking. Little pieces of herself chipping away under his gaze.</p><p>“This isn’t you,” she rasped. “What happened? Did someone…did Sasuke—</p><p>"You don’t know anything about me,” Gaara scoffed. “Jesus Christ look at you. Running to him, running to me… begging like a dog. Aren’t you embarrassed?”</p><p>Sakura’s feet burned. Her head hurt. And when he looked at her like that – like he absolutely hated her – she did feel embarrassed. What was she doing there, <em>really</em>? What was he supposed to give her? What did she want?</p><p>“I…”<em> I’m scared,</em> she wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, her nose ran, and her pleas were choked by sobs.</p><p>“Don’t come here again,” Gaara snapped and slammed the door in her face.</p><hr/><p>“I think Naruto’s taking money from Sasuke,” Sakura blurted. She was in the middle of watering a monstera, and across the shop, Ino paused in preparing a box of white roses for delivery. It was quick, but Sakura spotted a flash of distress on her face. Ino didn’t look up from the work.</p><p>“Why would you think that?”</p><p>“Well, when I dropped Sarada off at summer club Kakashi said this thing about Sasuke making yearly donations to the school. I didn’t know anything about it.”</p><p>There was a stretched silence, and Sakura turned to face Ino head on. “Isn’t that bizarre?”</p><p>“Well…yeah. I guess.” Ino snipped off the end of a rose stem before arranging it in the box. “But probably one of the nicest things that asshole ever did, huh?”</p><p>Sakura frowned. Usually, Ino was the last person to give Sasuke any credit for anything. She tightened her grip on the watering can.</p><p>“But why would Sasuke do that and not tell me?”</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“And why would he <em>still </em>be giving him money?”</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“And how could Naruto talk to him about it and never reach out to me? Or hell, why not even ask Gaara if he needed cash?”</p><p>Ino finally turned around. “I <em>don’t know</em>.”</p><p>Sakura slammed the watering can on the table.</p><p>“You seem really fucking chill about this for some reason. He acted completely surprised when I showed up. I never hear a word from him or the rest of you for ten years, but he’s been taking my husband’s money like candy?”</p><p>“I’m just trying not to be judgmental.” Ino closed the lid over the box of flowers and then tied a red ribbon around its middle. “I know you’re used to having a lot after being with Sasuke, but not everyone has that. Naruto has two little kids now. Maybe he was desperate. Maybe his relationship with Gaara isn’t—</p><p>“You’re kidding.” Sakura slammed the pot on the table. “You know I didn’t come from money. You <em>know</em>—</p><p>“Yeah, but you’ve always used his to your advantage, haven’t you? You’ve always acted like—” Ino shook her head. “Look, I don’t know. Just…”</p><p>Sakura’s shoulders slumped and she could feel Ino ready to pivot.</p><p>“The way you left…we all thought things, you know,” Ino said. “No one’s perfect, Sakura. Not me, not you, no one.”</p><p>“Of course not. I know that.” Sakura frowned.</p><p>Was she overreacting? She wondered. Was it really no big deal that Naruto was taking money from Sasuke? Did she even have a right to be upset?</p><p>Naruto was Sasuke’s friend first. They grew up together, and even if he pretended otherwise, Sasuke trusted him. She was the girlfriend, but Sasuke was <em>family</em>.</p><p>Later, when they both arrived at the school to pick the kids up, the first thing Sakura wanted to do was confront Naruto. But when caught sight of him waving at the school gates looking so happy to see them, Ino’s words came back to her.</p><p>
  <em>“I know you’re used to having a lot after being with Sasuke, but not everyone has that.”</em>
</p><p>“Everything okay?” Naruto asked, draping Boruto’s backpack over one shoulder. The strap was a little frayed, and that Naruto’s orange shirt was stretched and washed out.</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah.” She smiled. “Just tired.”</p><p>“Work life is different, huh?” he teased. “Don’t worry Sakura-chan. It’ll get easier.”</p><p>Sakura nodded, then turned when she felt a warm little body bump up against her calf. Sarada extended both arms towards her for a hug.</p><p>“You have fun?” Sakura crouched down to hold her.</p><p>“So much fun! Gai-sensei taught us to do cartwheels and tuck and rolls and we played this game with Kakashi-sensei where we had to try and snatch these bells…”</p><p>Sakura nodded eagerly through the story, but the sound of Sarada’s voice drowned out when she saw a familiar silhouette heading up the path.  </p><p>Naruto cupped both hands over his mouth to shout. “Hey! Well look who it is!”</p><p>“Hey.” Gaara raised his hand in a half wave, but his gaze travelled over Naruto’s shoulder to catch Sakura’s. Despite what had gone on between them the night before, he seemed just as he always did since her return to Tokyo – calm, thoughtful. The sight of his slight smile gave her goosebumps, but before he could approach, a little boy with a spiky ponytail loped into view.</p><p>“Uncle Gaara!” He cheered at first, but as soon as the other children turned, Sakura noted with a smile the way he slowed his steps and pushed his hands into his pockets.</p><p>“It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” Gaara bent to hug him, and though he pretended to resist, the boy beamed when he was lifted high off the ground.</p><p>“You’re so big now.” Gaara gave an exaggerated groan. “What has my sister been feeding you?”</p><p>“You know mom doesn’t cook.” The little boy smirked and Gaara settled him back down on his feet.</p><p>Sakura had never seen Gaara with children before. He seemed looser. Softer. Ino nudged her in the back with her elbow.</p><p>“Makes your ovaries kick into overdrive, right?” she chuckled.</p><p>“Shut <em>up</em>.”</p><p>“That’s Shikadai.” Sarada jumped in. “All the other kids can be such babies, but he’s really smart.”</p><p>“Be nice, Sarada.” Sakura chided, but had to stifle a laugh as she watched Boruto and Inojin scuffling together in the grass. Ino rushed over to pull them apart.</p><p>“Well, if it isn’t Temari’s redheaded little brother of serious-faced youth!” Guy clapped Gaara on the shoulder. They locked gazes again, and she covered her mouth to keep from laughing at the pinched look he gave her.</p><p>“We’re going to go up the road to see the fireworks.” Naruto jumped in. “You’re coming too, right?”</p><p>“I…” Gaara checked his watch and then looked down at Shikadai.</p><p>He wasn’t saying anything, but Sakura knew the look on the little boy’s face well enough. Like Sarada, he didn’t seem like the type of child to whine or beg, but from the looks of it, he sure knew how to use a well-timed pout to his advantage.</p><p>“It would be great if you joined,” Hinata added. She kept her voice low, careful of a sleeping Himawari swaddled against her chest in a cloth carrier. “We don’t see you much these days.”</p><p>Gaara turned to Sakura. “What do you think?”</p><p>Suddenly, everyone was staring, and she straightened up like a lightning rod. What was he doing, putting her on the spot? Sakura shifted her gaze to Shikadai to keep from going full tomato.</p><p>“Well…it’s total bad luck if you don’t go.” She tried her best not to sound nearly as shaky as she felt. “Fireworks are the best thing about summer.”</p><p>Gaara reached down and gave Shikadai’s shoulders a squeeze. “Then we should definitely stay.”</p><p>“Come on, children! Fast paced walk! Keep the fires of youth burning!” Guy called from up ahead. The kids rushed to follow him, but Ino, Hinata, Naruto, Gaara, and Sakura slowed to a leisurely pace.</p><p>“Jesus, he never gives it a rest,” Ino chuckled. “Hope I’ve still got energy like that when I’m old.”</p><p>“Oh, you wish. This from the woman who couldn’t do the mile run in gym class without crying!” Sakura teased, and then dodged a playful slap from Ino. When she spun back around, she smacked straight into Gaara’s chest. He placed both hands on her shoulders to steady her.</p><p>“Careful.” He held her still for a moment - a second, maybe - but for Sakura it felt like ages. Her legs turned to like jelly and she was sure her ears were red, but Gaara’s expression revealed nothing.</p><p>She didn’t know what to do with herself anymore. How could he possibly act so normal? As if he hadn’t seen the most embarrassing, intimate side of her? But the more Sakura thought about it, the more she wasn’t sure it was difficult at all for him. Hadn’t he always been skilled at pretending?</p><p>Gaara shifted back into place by her side, appropriate distance reinstated.</p><p>“Well, we can’t all be Wonder Woman.” Ino stuck out her tongue as she sauntered past them.</p><p>Sakura spent the rest of their walk listening to Naruto tell a longwinded story about his favourite ramen bar and then some good-natured bickering over their top five summer festival foods. By the time they’d reached, her cheeks hurt from laughing. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d smiled and chatted so much. Gaara, on the other hand, was noticeably quiet. He kept his hands in his pockets beside her, observing mostly, cracking a smile here and there, but not adding much.</p><p>Gaara had never been a chatty person, but Sakura found she couldn’t read him the way she used to. Years ago, his shell had been easier to crack. Now, it was perfectly crafted – hard walls of stoicism and restraint. Sharp edges to cover the fluff.</p><p>“Are you having fun?” she asked as the group slowed towards a row of food stalls lining the lantern-lit streets.</p><p>“Are <em>you</em>?”</p><p>Sakura rolled her eyes and delivered a light punch to his shoulder. “Don’t be difficult. Just answer me.”</p><p>“I am,” he said after a moment. “I like to watch you enjoy yourself.”</p><p>Sakura stopped in the middle of the street. It was a simple statement, no smirking or winking involved, but the <em>way</em> he said it – the slight pause and lowered tone –she couldn’t help but feel there was something dirty behind it.</p><p>“So?” Gaara touched her elbow, bringing her back down to earth. “Are you?”</p><p>“Am I what?” she mumbled.</p><p>“Are you enjoying yourself?”</p><p>“I guess I am.” Sakura distracted herself by watching one of the traders shave coloured ice into paper cones. “It’s kind of like being back in grade school.”</p><p>“What was that like?” he asked, and Sakura’s sudden silence spoke volumes.</p><p>It was one of the few moments in her life when she didn’t know the right answer to a question. There were so many things she hadn’t told Gaara about growing up in Tokyo and hadn’t wanted to think about since returning. She drew her attention behind him to where a little child was scooping fish out of a wooden pond with a net. <em>Things are so much simpler when you’re a kid</em>, she thought.</p><p>“Good,” she finally said. “I mean… I met Naruto here, and Tenten and Lee… it was great.”</p><p>A couple with children came up beside them to order, and Gaara shifted over. His side pressed into hers and Sakura was surprised by how solid he felt. Teenage Gaara resembled a beanpole, but adult Gaara clearly knew his way around a gym. Her body certainly wasn’t the same either. A cycle of green smoothie diets kept her thin but gone were the days of a tightly toned stomach and gravity-defying breasts. In their place a trail of stretchmarks and slightly sagging skin.</p><p>An image of Shijima popped in her head and suddenly everything made perfect sense. They were the very definition of a power couple.</p><p>“Where did you go to school?” Sakura asked, desperate to clear her thoughts of what Gaara’s <em>colleague-slash-not-girlfriend</em> might look like in a bikini.</p><p>“A few places.” He looked away from her. “I lived with my uncle for a few years in Okayama before coming back.”</p><p>“Okayama? <em>No way</em>!” She smiled and tried to imagine a tiny Gaara running through rice fields and teasing cows. He was so refined now – it was hard to picture him as a country kid. “You never told me that. Or about your uncle.”</p><p>She was always cautious about asking him too much about his life. Gaara never offered much, and even though she was curious, that line was clearly drawn.</p><p>“I’m not a very sentimental person.” He shrugged and then pointed towards the kakegori. “Would you like one?”</p><p>“Please?” Sakura grinned and pressed her hands together in mock prayer. “I’ll have—</p><p>“Cherry, right?” Gaara finished, and something in her relaxed.</p><p>“You know me.”</p><p>A group of sticky-faced children rushed past at close quarters, and Gaara placed his hand on the small of Sakura’s back to guide her out of the way. She looked at him for an explanation, but he focused on the stall owner drizzling red syrup over her ice. Sakura wasn’t familiar with this casual, confident Gaara. The way he touched her…it was as if it was the most natural thing in the world.</p><p>Ten years was a long time – how many other women had he touched like that? How many others had touched him in the same way? Sakura had never felt inferior to Gaara before. She was the one who had suggested a casual arrangement in the first place, and yet there she was, acting like an awkward teenager.  She’d always been so good at everything, but somehow not this.  </p><p>Sakura looked over her shoulder in search of the others, but there were only strangers. Right on time, her phone buzzed in her pocket.</p><p>
  <strong>Ino: Gone 2 get yakisoba w the kids. u guys have fun. ;-)</strong>
</p><p>“Should we catch up?” Gaara handed her the cone full of bright red ice.</p><p>“It’ll be fine.” Sakura focused on the frozen treat to keep from having to face him head on. “Unless…you’d rather be with the group?”</p><p>Gaara looked off into the distance.</p><p>“You’re good enough company for now, I guess,” he said. It was so deadpan, Sakura almost snapped back, but his smirk brought her back to reality.</p><p>“You’re such a dick.” She pouted and he gave her hip a quick pinch. <em>Mr. Touchy again</em>, Sakura thought, but certainly couldn’t say she hated it. She turned around and strutted backwards, leading them away from the crowds.</p><p>“I know a good spot where we could watch the fireworks.” She gave the top of her ice a long lick and was pleased to see Gaara’s gaze follow her tongue.</p><p>
  <em>‘Men.’</em>
</p><p>They walked for a while in silence, Sakura leading with both of her hands tightly wrapped around the sticky paper cone. She added a little sway to her hips, cautious that Gaara might be watching her ass, but couldn’t quite find the courage to turn and check.</p><p>As they pushed on, the path steepened, the sky darkened, and she was glad to see the peak of the hill she remembered from childhood. After a few more feet there was a clearing, and a perfect view of the city skyline.</p><p>Sakura plopped down in the grass. “My mom and dad would always sneak me up here when we went to see these fireworks. Our secret spot.”</p><p>It was wild and overgrown, but there was something relaxing about sinking down against the cool ground. When Gaara sat down beside her, it was pure instinct to shift close. There was a time when it was normal for them to sit hip to hip and chat, but that night, the feel of his bare arm against hers was particularly electric.</p><p>“It’s a great view,” he said, and Sakura felt his gaze on her as she stretched out on her back. It was dark enough to see the stars, and she trained her eyes on a particularly bright looking one moving overhead.</p><p><em>Good luck!</em> </p><p>Silently, she made a wish that Gaara might touch her again – the casual way he did at the stall – but he remained perfectly still.</p><p>“Where’s Temari, by the way?” Sakura asked once the silence became just a little too awkward.</p><p>“Work." Gaara picked at the dry grass near her hip. His knuckles grazed the side of her calf each time he pulled little chunks from the earth, and if he were any other man, she might have thought it was intentional.</p><p>“I’m a bit surprised she’s the one working late instead of you.”</p><p>“Yes, well…” There was a loud crack and Gaara looked to the sky. A shower of pink and purple rained down somewhere far away. “It’s this art client she does PR for. I manage his portfolio and trust me, he’s a total…”</p><p>He paused to yawn, and the burst of another firework bathed them in light. Sakura took a moment to study him. Under the glow, the teal of his eyes was faded, and the dark circles under his eyes more pronounced. The tense, sour face she spent years loving and then resenting was so worn.</p><p><em>‘If you were smart, you would still resent him</em>,’ a voice in her head whispered.</p><p>“God, you’re so old now,” she blurted.</p><p>“<em>Excuse me</em>?” Gaara cocked his head and Sakura drew her attention back to the dripping cone in her hands. She licked her fingertips and his gaze yo-yo’ed from her mouth to her eyes.</p><p>“Sorry! I just remember when you had such an adorable little baby face—</p><p>“Hey, take it easy. Women aren’t the only ones who get sensitive about their age, you know…” Gaara sulked, but Sakura could see a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Did you say you thought it was adorable?”</p><p>Sakura scrambled up onto her knees and flicked him in the centre of his forehead. It left a sticky pink mark. “Don’t go getting a big ego. I have notoriously bad taste in men, remember?”</p><p>Gaara rubbed at the sore spot between his eyes. “Well, they say even a broken clock is right twice a day.”</p><p>They glanced at each other and burst into chuckles. Even his laugh was different, Sakura noticed. Warmer and more confident.  It was strange, but things only smoothed between them when they were picking on each other. It wasn’t exactly very sexy but helped to tug free the coil of tension in her tummy.</p><p>“Tell me something.” She bit her lip. “What did you think of me back in school? What was I <em>like </em>to you?”</p><p>“Annoying.”</p><p>“Hey!” she balked. The answer came far too quickly for her liking.</p><p>“Honestly.” Gaara shrugged. “You were beautiful and had all these friends and were at the top of your classes…and you were just <em>nice</em>. It seemed impossible that someone could be so…”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“<em>Annoying</em>,” he finished with a smug smile.</p><p>Sakura ignored the slight. She was still hung up on the word ‘beautiful.’ It shouldn’t have surprised her, not after the night before, but Gaara wasn’t the type to put those sorts of thoughts into words. Despite what he’d said before, it all sounded very sentimental.</p><p>“But like…you didn’t think I was s<em>poiled</em> or anything, did you? Or out of touch?” she pushed.</p><p>Gaara furrowed his brow.</p><p>“Are you okay?” he asked. “Did something happen?”</p><p>Sakura thought of Naruto and her conversation with Ino and the way things didn’t feel quite <em>right</em>. But this – <em>him</em> – it always felt right. The last thing she wanted was to ruin that.</p><p>“No. Everything’s fine.” Sakura snuck her hand through the tall grass to cover Gaara’s and was relieved when he laced his fingers through hers.</p><p>“You were right about the fireworks,” he said. “It would have been bad luck if we missed them.”</p><p>There was another shock of light and when Sakura looked over, the tips of Gaara's ears were blush pink. It was slight, but she was glad to see a hint of the bashfulness she remembered from university. He wasn't all hardened, after all.</p><p>“Why is it that you’re still not with anyone? Like <em>really</em>?” she asked. “Aren’t you lonely?”</p><p>Gaara raised his brows and turned to face her completely. It was a small act, but it was startling the way his eyes seemed to brighten.</p><p>“You don’t really believe you can’t be lonely if you’re in a relationship, do you?”</p><p>Sakura couldn’t look him in the eye anymore. Leave it to Gaara to be annoyingly rational. And<em> right</em>. After all, there was hardly a moment with Sasuke in Hokkaido that she hadn’t felt alone.  </p><p>“It’s best when you know your own limitations,” he continued. “Not everyone is built for a white picket lifestyle.”</p><p><em>White picket lifestyle</em>. Sakura fixated on the words as he stroked the back of her hand with his thumb. She knew he didn’t mean it as a dig but couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. After all, it was what she’d wanted for as long as she could remember. The apex of romance she’d never been able to ascend to.</p><p>It felt unfair. Gaara was the one who’d never cared about school. He was the one who never had dreams. He was the one who left her behind. And now he was the one who had everything.</p><p>And he didn’t even fucking care.</p><p>“I guess you’re right,” she murmured. "You're always right."</p><p>Sakura loosened her fingers in his grip, but Gaara tightened up.</p><p>When she looked at him, the crease in his brow was back, but he still traced his thumb over her knuckles with surprising care. The juxtaposition of hard and soft was something she'd always been fascinated by. Gaara opened his mouth, but then shut it and pulled her in so that she was forced to sit up on her knees between his spread legs.   </p><p>"Gaara?" her voice was a whisper.</p><p>“What I’m trying to say is…there’s other pleasure in life. Like… last night?” </p><p>There was another flash of light, but Sakura wasn’t watching the sky anymore. She was too busy frantically studying the face of a man who used to be a boy who rolled his eyes at even the slightest allusion to any kind of intimacy.</p><p>“The white picket…it falls apart eventually. It gets old and weathered and you can kill yourself trying to hold it together but…” Gaara gently walked his fingers up her back. “Why do all that when you can just…”</p><p>There was a long pause, and Sakura “Just?”</p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>.”</p><p>He said it so casually, but Sakura could barely look him in the eyes. She’d heard Gaara swear a million times before, but this was…<em> different</em>.  </p><p>Her gaze dropped to his mouth, curved into a rare, playful smile. His lips would feel good on her, she thought. On her neck, her shoulders, between her thighs… She couldn’t remember the last time Sasuke went down on her, but something told her Gaara might actually enjoy it.</p><p>“When did you become such a pervert?” She tried to keep her voice light, but the flush of her cheeks betrayed everything.</p><p>Gaara bowed his head slightly and chuckled. It was another beautiful smile and another degree of heat rising in her tummy. She pressed her thighs together to try and push back a rapidly building warmth she thought didn’t exist for her anymore.</p><p>“<em>Me</em>?” He tugged her a little closer. “I seem to remember you being quite adventurous on camera for me last night.”</p><p>Sakura gasped and he snuck a glance at her parted lips.</p><p>“You can’t tell anyone about that!” She smacked his shoulder. “Not Naruto or your brother or Kiba or…”</p><p>Gaara lifted his head and craned his neck until their noses touched, stopping only when she could feel the warmth of his breath on her lips.</p><p>“I’m serious.” She pouted. “I’ve never done something like that before.”</p><p>“We should do more things like that then,” he said, tapping their noses together again. “More things you’ve never done before.”</p><p>Sakura’s brain went blank and she remembered how gentle but commanding he’d been with her on the phone. She could still hear his voice, smooth like silk over the line.</p><p>
  <em>“The next time we see each other, you’ll take it in your mouth. On your knees.”</em>
</p><p>The subtle heat between her thighs became a burn.</p><p>“Sakura, you’re dripping.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Sakura followed Gaara’s gaze to her hand, and the remains of the kakegori she’d unconsciously crushed. Red syrup covered her fingers and dripped steadily onto the top of his thigh.</p><p>“<em>Shit!</em>” She dropped the cone in the grass and made a move to wipe her hand on her skirt, but Gaara stopped her halfway.</p><p>He lifted her hand to his mouth and before Sakura could process what was happening, he was running his tongue over her knuckles. Her wrist, her palm, back up until he reached her ring finger. There was a little indentation there from the band that hadn’t quite gone away yet, and she watched it disappear into his mouth as he sucked. If she wasn’t dripping before, she certainly was now.</p><p>“There.” He lifted her hand away from his lips and inspected it. “It’s fine now.”</p><p>Sakura’s mouth dropped open and Gaara took it as an invitation. A few centimetres and he closed the distance between them completely. Unsure of what to do with her hands, she clenched them together over her heart, praying desperately that she tasted more like sweet cherry syrup than the tuna mayo she had for lunch.</p><p>If there was one thing that hadn’t changed about Gaara, it was his kiss. The warmth of his mouth and tongue evoked images of crowded festivals buzzing with life, cool sprinklers on warm skin, and the taste of perfectly ripe watermelon.</p><p>Intense. Hot. <em>Sweet</em>.</p><p>Quintessential summer.</p><p>Sakura wound her arms around Gaara’s neck, and his hands, no longer shy, slid up her back and into her hair. After so long, she’d expected more fire, but he was slow and sure. Almost achingly so. She, on the other hand, was a frantic mess. Her heart raced, her skin flushed, and she arched her body into his until he was forced to squeeze her closer.</p><p>It had been so long. So,<em> fucking</em> long since she’d been treated – let alone felt – like a sexual being. The way he touched her and talked to her - like he wanted to be buried deep inside her - it was so unfamiliar and exciting.</p><p>Sakura could hear herself sighing and moaning and would have been embarrassed if not for the sound of Gaara's own satisfied hum. When they finally parted, hismouth was shiny with her lip gloss and his hands still wandered her body. Up and up, under her blouse, stroking and groping at soft, imperfect flesh.</p><p>"Sakura..." He whispered her name and suddenly, she felt the sensation of falling.</p><p>
  <em>‘Oh, you gigantic fucking dummy.’ </em>
</p><p>She couldn’t lie to herself; she always was a fool when it came to men. A little attention, a little touch; it was like magic.  </p><p>“You’ve been smoking again," she scolded him to try and break the spell. “It’s so gross.”</p><p>“Sorry.” Gaara sounded a little sheepish, but mostly unconcerned as he pressed light kisses along her jaw.</p><p>Sakura shifted languidly in his lap.</p><p>“Why don’t you just give it up already?”</p><p>Gaara didn’t answer right away. His eyelids drooped and his breath shallowed and suddenly she felt very smug. </p><p>“It’s harder than you think,” he mumbled. Sakura leaned in and he brushed a bit of hair away from her neck to give himself space for more kisses. This time breathier, with more tongue.</p><p>“Yeah, <em>tell me about it</em>…”  She moved her hips in a slow circle and sighed out when Gaara pushed up in response.  </p><p>He looked good underneath her. Relaxed, disheveled, <em>red</em>. And when the friction of her body on his hit just right, his hips jerked and his lips parted, and he made the softest, sweetest little huffs for air she'd ever heard. In that moment, he was pure candy to her, and she wanted nothing more than to devour him.</p><p>“You’re really good at…<em>that.</em>” Gaara interrupted her thoughts.</p><p>He let his hands fall to his sides in the grass and leaned back to watch her take advantage.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>Sakura dared a hand over the hard planes of Gaara's abdomen and then down to the front of his slacks. He reached for her wrist, but stopped just short of making contact. She could see on his face he was debating something, but didn't have it in him to protest.  </p><p>It only took her two tugs to free the tails of his shirt and find just enough space to touch bare skin. One snap to open the top button of his fly and earn herself another inch of room. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was doing until she felt it – the tickle of soft hairs and then burning hot skin. Their eyes met and Sakura stroked down - slow and smooth.</p><p>On cue, Gaara dug the pads of his fingertips into her hips with bruising force.  </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>." He gasped and Sakura felt his whole body tremble against her. She'd never heard him so desperate before, and was shocked by how much she liked it.</p><p>"Okay, no – that’s…we can’t do this here.” Gaara folded forward at the waist to stop her from gripping him again. “You’re going to make me…”</p><p>He swallowed audibly and turned his face up to the sky. Sakura could practically hear him counting to ten in his head.</p><p>“What?” she chuckled. “Ruin your pants?”</p><p>Gaara grabbed Sakura around the waist without warning and tipped them together until she was on her back in the grass. She expected another series of hungry kisses, but instead he watched her. Just watched. Staring, as if trying to imprint every detail of her face to memory. beneath him, she did the same.</p><p>Bits of fluff and grass stuck to Gaara's shirt, his hair was wild, and when he leaned in, the red fringe hung down and tickled her nose. There were more fireworks cracking off in the distance – Sakura could tell by the soft glow on the side of his neck – but all she could hear was the blood pounding in her ears. She was certain then, that if he wanted to fuck her right there – in the scratchy grass with God knew what lurking in the shadows – there was absolutely no way she could say no.  </p><p>“You deserve a bed,” he said, and pressed a kiss to the center of her forehead. “At the very least.”</p><p>Sakura reached up and cupped his face in her hands.</p><p>“How about I come to yours later? After I take Sarada home?” she asked. “We can pick this up in <em>your</em> bed with that fancy-pants thread count I know you must have.”</p><p>There was a pause, and instead of laughing, Gaara slid his gaze away from hers.</p><p>“Let's get a room somewhere,” he suggested.</p><p>Sakura tried her best not to look disappointed. So what if he didn’t want her at his place? She wasn’t his girlfriend. She could imagine several reasons why it might be off limits, but none of them were any of her business, anyway.</p><p>She pushed back up into a sitting position and Gaara was forced to give her space.</p><p>“Somewhere expensive, of course,” he added, quickly. “Anything you want.”</p><p>“Anything?" Sakura forced a grin. "I don’t come cheap.”</p><p>Gaara smiled and his nervous breath softened. “I’m good for it.”</p><p>Sakura nodded and looked off behind them. The air had changed so quickly. </p><p>“We should get back,” she said. “It’s late.”</p><p>She stood and made a half-hearted effort to smooth the wrinkles from her blouse. Gaara was more careful, adjusting himself in his slacks and ensuring everything was re-tucked and free from any traces of loose grass. Free from any traces of her.</p><p>When they found the group again, Sarada was holding a sweating bag of goldfish and her lips were bright blue.  </p><p>“There you are!” She pouted. Behind her, Ino stood smiling apologetically. Inojin looked bleary-eyed and had his face pressed into her leg.</p><p>“Sorry." Ino gave Sarada's bottom a playful swat. "This one doesn’t like being too far away from her mama, it seems.”</p><p>“I was just worried about you,” Sarada corrected. “I know you don’t like being by yourself.”</p><p>Sakura’s gaze softened and she enveloped her daughter in a bear hug. “Thanks for checking up. Gaara kept me company.”</p><p>“Did you guys go play games too?” Sarada wriggled free and handed her the bag to hold.</p><p>“Ah…” Sakura looked up and spotted Ino waggling her brows in the distance. “We just took a little walk.” She turned the bag of fish over in her hands. “Had some kakegori.”</p><p>“Me too. Blueberry.” Sarada wound her arms around her neck and Sakura looked over her shoulder to see Gaara crouching to ruffle Shikadai’s hair.</p><p>“It’s been great to have Sarada get to know the other kids,” Hinata said. “We have to do something like this again soon.”</p><p>“Yes, definitely,” Sakura agreed, but was cautious. Hinata was a smart woman. Did she know about Naruto and the money from Sasuke? Was that why she was being so nice?</p><p>“Yeah! Gaara, you in too?” Naruto piped up.</p><p>Gaara looked up from his phone and at that moment, Sakura felt hers vibrate in her back pocket. She snuck a glance.</p><p>
  <strong>Gaara: I’ll book somewhere and let you know. We can meet there.</strong>
</p><p>“I’ll try,” he said, but there was an air of dismissiveness about it that Sakura found strange.  Her phone went off again in her hands.</p><p>
  <strong>Gaara: Wear something surprising.</strong>
</p><p>Her lips quirked up at the edges.</p><p>
  <strong>Sakura: Yeah, if you’re lucky.</strong>
</p><p>When she looked up again, the circle of friends and children around her had tightened up, but Gaara had positioned himself on the outside. He was glaring at a phone that was different from the one he’d held only moments before.</p><p>“We should go,” he said, scooping Shikadai up into his arms.</p><p>“Us too!” Sakura blurted, perhaps a bit too loud.</p><p>Gaara shot her a sly look over his shoulder and she blushed.</p><p>Sakura was glad for Sarada’s drowsiness – it made for an easy excuse to leave early, and left her pliant enough to carry back easily in the bike basket, even as she pedaled at top speed. The faster she got home to put Sarada to bed, the faster she could shower, shave, and sneak back out. She felt like a teenager again.</p><p>
  <em>If I could just have this one thing…</em>
</p><p>She was glad to see the familiar sight of the front porch coming up quickly, and barley registered the screen pulled wide open, or the muffled sound of a man’s voice spilling out from inside.</p><p>“…help her…she’s vulnerable and...”</p><p>“…obviously came to get away from you…. can’t just show up…!”</p><p>Bits and pieces of her mother’s raging rebuttal drifted out into the front yard. As she came closer, Sakura spotted the open door and the glow of yellow light on the porch. There was the shadow of her mother holding an iron pan, and then a larger, leaner form backing up. Male.</p><p>“Mom!” Sakura cried out, startling Sarada. She started to climb out of the basket, but Sakura held her still. “Stay here. Don’t you dare move.”</p><p>“But—</p><p>“Is that her?”</p><p>Before Sakura could cross the threshold, Sasuke stepped into view. Clean cut, sharply edged, Sasuke.</p><p>“Sa…” he started, but her name died on his lips. For a moment they stood in silence, taking each other in. Sakura's heart raced, but not with the terror she’d expected after so long.</p><p>“I told him to leave.” Mebuki rushed frantically to stand between them. “I told him I’d—!"</p><p>“Papa?” Sarada rounded the corner, blinking sleepily. After a second, something seemed to click, and she came running towards him. Sasuke wasted no time in scooping her up, and something in Sakura ached to see him hugging her tightly. As useless as he could be when it came to their own relationship, she never once doubted his love for Sarada.  </p><p>“You’re here! Was this the plan, papa? Are we all moving to Tokyo? We're staying, right?” Sarada bombarded him with questions.</p><p>Instead of responding, Sasuke lowered her to the ground, and then stepped in close to Sakura.  He smelled woodsy and fresh and surprisingly not like some other woman’s perfume.</p><p>Her chest tightened.</p><p>“Sasuke.”</p><p>“Sakura.” He reached forward and tucked a bit of hair behind her ear. “You look good<em>.</em>”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The bitch is back! ;-)</p><p>I don't know why I love writing depressing stories, but drama and complexity fuels me. lol. I think it's clear that everyone's a bit messed up in this one, and I'm keen to explore more of the different ways people deal with expectations, guilt, and trauma. Always fun to take these characters and reimagine their struggles in the 'real world.' </p><p>But after this is done I think I'd like to write something short, sweet and fluffy for this couple!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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